By Shaykh Muhammad Salim Ghisa
Marriage is a sacred bond between a man and woman, which makes each other permissible for them to enjoy and live happily. Allah has described, in the most moving and eloquent terms, this eternal, natural relationship between man and woman, which is filled with security, love, understanding and compassion:
And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: Verily in that are signs for those who reflect. (Quran 30:21)
Marriage is a sacred bond between a man and woman, which makes each other permissible for them to enjoy and live happily. Allah has described, in the most moving and eloquent terms, this eternal, natural relationship between man and woman, which is filled with security, love, understanding and compassion:
“And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: Verily in that are signs for those who reflect. (Quran 30:21)
Marriage is also an important part of the Sunnah. The Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said: “The Nikah is my Sunnah (way), whosoever leaves my Sunnah is not from amongst me” (Kitabus Sunan – Mishkat)
The Prophet of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) has also said as narrated by Ibn Masud (May Allah be pleased with him)
“Young men, those of you who can support a wife should marry, for it keeps you from looking at non permissible females and protects you from immorality. However, those who cannot should devote themselves to fasting, for it is a means of suppressing sexual desire.” (Bukhari and Muslim)
However, we also find that in today’s day and age that there are many marriages that are improper or unfair and can make a person’s life miserable. These marriages are either forced or arranged against a person’s will. Islam does not support in any way a marriage where either the man or woman is unhappy with the set up.
We find that some people use their power of authority and cultural understanding (baradarism) to arrange such forced marriages and then hide behind the religion of Islam to justify their actions.
Arranged marriages
Arranged marriages are allowed and promoted in Islam as long as they are accepted by both the bride and the groom. One of the conditions for the Nikah (marriage ceremony) to be valid is both the man and woman are asked independently of each other as to whether they agree with the marriage or not. If either of them say ‘no’ then the Nikah cannot continue , however, silence is regarded as consent. (Radd ul Mohtar).
The parents have a responsibility to ensure that both couples are compatible and do not arrange a marriage merely for their own social or personal reasons (i.e. 'she's my brothers daughter, lets get our son married to her'!). If the latter is the case then they will have to answer to Allah. The Prophet of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) gave the strictest orders with relation to the rights of others. He said
“'Truly Allah has totally forbidden disobedience (and the subsequent hurt) to mothers, burying alive daughters, with-holding the rights of others, and demanding that which is not your right.” (Hadith Muslim 4257. Recorded by Mughirah b. Shuba).
When a suitable partner is chosen then four things are considered, out of which one should take importance and this is the religious practice of their prospective partners. Whilst the following Hadith is in relation to choosing a woman, it refers to both sexes: the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said
“A woman (or man) may be married for four things: for her wealth, for her noble descent, for her beauty or for her religion. Choose the one who is religious, lest your hands be rubbed with dust!” (Bukhari and Muslim)
Although the Prophet advised the young Muslim to look for a religious partner, it does not mean that they should ignore their preferences regarding the physical beauty. The Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) encouraged seeing a prospective partner before finalizing the marriage, so that a Muslim does not find his/herself trapped in a marriage with a woman/man he/she finds unattractive.
Al Mughirah Ibn Shaibah said “I got engaged to a woman at the time of the Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace). He asked me “Have you seen her?” I said “No”. He said “go and have a look at her, because it is more fitting that love and compatibility is established between you.” (Nasai)
Therefore, in the above situations we find that Islam promotes love and compatibility between husband and wife and recognizes that these are vital ingredients in a successful marriage.
Forced Marriages
Whilst we understand the importance of love and compatibility we must also ensure the approval of both parties. However, one must also recognize that forced marriage is a problem occurring today and Islam condemns it to the highest degree. The issue of forced marriages is not one that is limited to some Muslims, but Hindus, Sikhs and other religions also acknowledge it as a problem.
As explained above, Islam regards marriage as a right of the individual and therefore others cannot make the decision for them. If a woman/man is forced in marriage then the marriage would not be valid and would therefore need to be cancelled. However, daughters and sons should also recognize the rights of their parents and come to an agreed solution before the marriage takes place.
If this does not happen then those who forced the marriage and those who allowed it are both guilty and have committed a major sin. The following incident clarifies the position of forced marriages in Islam;
Khansa Bint Khidam said “My father married me to his nephew, and I did not like this match, so I complained to the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace). He said to me “accept what your father has arranged.” I said “I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.”
He said “then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.” I said “I have accepted what my father has arranged, but I wanted women to know that fathers have no right in their daughter’s matters (i.e. they have no right to force a marriage on them). (Fathul Bari Sharah Al Bukhari 9/194, Ibn Majah Kitabun Nikah 1/602)
At first, the Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) told Al Khansa to obey her father, and this is as it should be, because the concerns of fathers for the well being of their daughters is well known. But when he realized that her father wanted to force her in to marriage she did not want, he gave her the freedom to choose, and saved her from the oppression of a father who wanted to force her into an unwanted marriage.
Love Marriages
Marriages that are done due to a couple falling in love with one another are acceptable but are usually an unlawful way of approach. Meaning, that two people of the opposite sex start a relationship and then decide they want to marry. However, one must also realize that this is happening and therefore if a couple are in a relationship they must either get married immediately and save themselves from sin or separate.
If the father/ mother is aware then they should ensure that there is a successful outcome and if there is compatibility between the couple, they should try and ensure that the marriage takes place as soon as possible. Mere excuses, such as they are from a lower cast etc are not acceptable. However, valid reasons such as religion must be taken in to account.
Abu Hurairah narrates that the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said “when one with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage then accede to his request. If you do not do so then there will be temptation in the earth and extensive corruption”. (Tirmidhi)
Secret Marriages
Secret marriages whilst recognised are severely disliked in Islam and even Haram when it goes against the will of the parents. The reason for this is that it means that those who are responsible for them are not advised of it and the couple will go against their parents by doing so. The Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) has clearly stressed that the will of the father is the will of Allah (Bukhari) also how important it is to obtain the dua of one’s parents.
Whilst we recognise that sometime parents need to be advised, this should be done by asking relatives to intervene, or the local Imam or anyone who may have an influence over one’s parents and they can agree. Insha Allah a marriage can only ever obtain spiritual comfort if the dua of one’s mother and father is with them.
Whilst the secret marriage may be valid it does not mean it is right and blessed.
May Allah give us the ability to understand the sacred concept of marriage and the Islamic approach towards it.
What is the best way to find a partner in the UK? To find out and to read more articles on marriage visit: www.therevival.co.uk/marriage.php
Comments
Arranged means someone arranges it for you - e.g your parents suggest a person and you see them and agree or disagree
The prophet
and Khadija (ra) didn't "fall in love", but Khadija (ra) like the prophet 
personality so asked someone to ask if he would marry her and he said yes. It was arranged.
"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi
and there were other marriages at the time too with which sunnah is based. Like the marriage of the prophet (saw)'s own daughter. and his
other marriages.
But arranged doesnt mean they shouldnt meet or know of each other.
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
Ehm not equal?? hehe have you read the quran do you know what islam says.. you should read a littel more before answearing. Men and women are all equal in qiamat and when men are asked if the women have treated them good the women are also asked if the men have treated them good. why would Allah ask as if it dont matter and be are not equal?
Asalamualaikum,
Alhamdulilah I have been blessed so many times in my life and I pray that Allah grants me and all my Muslim sisters and brothers, our families.. Janah.
I have been married for almost 3years now, my marriage was arranged and I had given my consent. The problem was when met my husband in person the first time, everything was ok then our relationship, mainly the.communication aspect got very bad. We were not intimate to say the least. Then it got worse, I came back from hks country back to america and started filing for his visa. During this time our relationship was still not perfect but it was good. I started a new job to help cover the exlenses of his visa as well as getting an apartment to live in. At my new job I had met a muslim brother, we fell in love in a strong way. I had found out that he is also married and we knew that we can not be together or subhanAllah tear two houses down to make one.. But soon enough we realized that we completed each other, our personalities, everything.. We had a deeper connection, talked about the deen... a lot. Now my husband is in America and the other man got a divorce from his wife. My husband is a really MashaAllah good man, religious.. But Im in love with the other man and feel very miserable without him. Please give me some direction im
Amazing isnt it how clear cut the rules are for this topic in some areas, yet, you will always get a lot of debating in this area. People want to find loopholes!
Thanks, that was sure a lot of help :/ Every situation is different, there are a lot of details which I have not said, but its ok. My reliance is in Allah, and I already know patience and plenty of dua, and istiqara is better than asking people anything. Im sorry to have even asked.
My reply to the thread was no directed at your post.
I have not read your post. Or any post in this thread as yet.
It was just a general comment at the title.
Now that iv read a sentence of your post, my response comes across as cruel. Please ignore.
So in response to your actual post:
stop feeling sorry for yourself.
you have a brain and you have intelligence and you keep going on about the deen and religion.
What kind of advice were you looking for? something to help you feel content and happy.
we appreciate that it must be a pretty emotionally messed up situation.
'im sorry that i even asked'
I recommend, getting a reality check, praying to God and using your brain to find a logical, honest, rational way out.
Like I don't know...tell your husband that you're not happy, that you're not in love?
Easy said. Hard to do.
Sounds like whatever it is has been going on for a while. Maybe its time to get out of the clouds?
So your advising me to use my brain and logic... I have and know exactly what I want to do, so the question is.. Why did I post that question? Perhaps I wanted a scholar give me some kind of suggestion so I can weigh my decision. Im not the type to decide and jump right away. I have two families involved in whatever decision I make, my husbands and mines who both have put a lot of effort into our marriage, and I pray that Allah repays them. So of course im going to be extra careful as to what decision I come up with. And I appreciate your answer but why would u say use my brain and logic rather than focusing on the deen which is the most important aspect of everything we do.
To simplify what im asking here.. What does Islam say about love? Do I follow my heart or suck it up and stay with my lawfully wedded husband ignoring what my heart feels. And as far as getting a reality check or getting out of the clouds... Why would u be so disrespectful? You could be more polite. You dont know me enough to judge me, I wrote one paragraph about my life that doesnt give you the right to critisize me. If you cant give me a helpful advice then nothing at all. Your telling me to use my brain? Why is this site up if we cant TALK and LISTEN to one another rather than push each other away with a lame "use your brain" kind of remark?
Salaam.
Some questions fpr u to think about: Are you sure it is love and not lust? What makes you think you are in love with the other guy? Have you been seeing him whilst you have been with your husband? How much do you know about the other guy?Do you really know him enough to know he will be a good husband? Did he divorce his wife because of you?
If you have been seeing him/do know him well enough and think you will continue to see him then the right thing *in my opinion* is let your husband know how you feel. It is really unfair on him to be making an effort to make a marriage work when your heart lies elsewhere. Islamically speaking you should not be looking at any other man apart from your husband so yes it is wrong but are you willing to make your marriage work? Or do you feel you just couldn't?
if you want a scholar's opinion ask the editor to ask a scholar for you. Email him editor@therevival.co.uk
"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi
sis hez a really rude impolite person do not be offended by him he did the same to me and to everyone else on this forum idomt know whats his problm hez angry for no reason wrd person i came here for but he just made feel bad Allah hafiz
Arranged by who, just out of interest?
Did she not fall in love with the Prophet's character? Even though it wasn't Romeo and Juliet style.
“Before death takes away what you are given, give away whatever there is to give.”
Mawlana Jalal ud Din Rumi
I think you've pretty much covered everything.
The only thing I would ask is what's actually gone wrong with your marriage? Also how "cultural" are your family/your husband.
“Before death takes away what you are given, give away whatever there is to give.”
Mawlana Jalal ud Din Rumi
Aslamu alaikum,
I'm 24 years old.I'm loving my college mate.he also a muslim. Working in one mnc company. Gud guy.prays 5 time.we love each other for 4years.now in my home my family going to fix one guy for me.so,I reveal my love matter to my mom.she said ok for our marriage. Now the problem is ,in his home they didn't accept our love now. They said this is not a right time for his marriage. he have to settled well.so they didn't ask me for him in my home.my mom said if his family refuses you what can we do?I'm going to fix some one for you. What can I do? its not fair I think to marry someone. its like cheating. plz suggest something
If it came across that I was judging you, then forgive me, because I couldn't care enough about you personally to judge as I don't know who you are. If it helps, I have been through a fair share related to the very same topic - which does not make me a perfect person to hear advice from either. Do I know that it's hard to deal with the situation? Yes. I just read what you had to say and felt that it was crying out for sympathy. How your lawfull wedded husband must feel about this, or will feel about this when he knows needs to be taken into account too. You, yourself said, he is a good person.
I said use your brain and logic, because naturally I thought the deen would be involved in using your brain and logic. Didn't realise the deen was a separate entity altogether. So here, I don't think I've made a mistake.
I prefer the simplified question that you have stated.
I am not being disrepectful. Stop being angry at my response. Just take it to face value and consider that it might have been even written there to help you.
I thought I had given you helpful advice.
Read the above, exactly what is written there that isn't advice?
When I said get a reality check, I simply meant, sit and accept this situation and try for a minute looking at it from an outside point of view. And will this guy whoever he is, marry you after you divorce for sure?
Getting your head out of the clouds. I just meant make sure you know what you're doing as none of us will know whether this guy that isn't your husband is worth it. And make sure that you are not being blinded by love.
You should have just asked me to explain myself instead of getting and wasting energy on angry emotions that are not necessary. After all, like you said, the whole point of the website is so that we can discuss, talk and listen.
Thank you, I may have reacted a bit, im glad for all the responses from you all its helped me think..... Ive realized to ignore my heart and think carefully. As far as being emotional its not a feeling I like having, but this has been going on for so long, its been a rough marriage. If my marriage was comfortable to be in in the first place, we would not be having this conversation.. I have been patient and lately its gotten difficult to not show how unhappy I am. About the other guy... As much as I love him or want to be married to him, I cant leave the husband im with untill I make sure ive tried my hardest because if I dont then I might regret it later. I honestly dont know how the one im in love with will turn out to be once behind closed doors, he might be worse than the one im running from.. What attracted me to him is how well he treats his parents mainly his mother, my husband is not like that. I can go one about comparing them but id rather not. My parents main objective is that my husband and I are close family, so theyd avoid me marrying someone "outside" Also, his personality.As far as looking at another man.. Thats the part of me im not proud of, ill admit if I could I would not have done that. Even then Ive avoided him, I even
left my job months ago and travel a longer distance now to work, I avoid running into him at all cost.
But she met/started liking the other guy before her husband came to live with her, I think she said, if so, he distance between them had already been created
"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi
We had proplems prior to me meeting the other man.. It all started because my husband showed no interest in me our first introduction... I came back hurt, because I actually loved him first. I didnt tell my family because I thought it was too early and he was going to change, but he didnt. Here I was working so hard on his visa, making us a home and he would barely communicate with me, abandoned me... At this time I had not met the other guy at all..
Oh ok. That changes things. You've given the impression that despite being a good guy he doesn't want to be with you?
In that case you need to talk things through with him and see how you both feel, even if you don't marry the other guy, make sure atleast that you n your husband are both on the same page and both are willing to make the marriage work.
"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi
Yeah..I wasnt trying to give out too much information at first. So now the table has turned, im not interested in my husband like I did before with or without the other guy and ever sense he found out I loved someone else he has been a lot different towards me like he now realizes how much I mean... And I forgave him for what he did, just dont feel the same anymore.. I even ask Allah to increase love between us....Sometimes a past broken heart can make u resentful for that person.
Lol... Not to point fingers but he did start the bruising first...
Im far from materialism... Whats important to me is honesty, trust and understanding... A marriage isnt always perfect from my understanding, but some key components like I mentioned are a must have... With mutual LOVE of course.... When a husband keeps important things about himself hidden, when he leaves you alone for no apparent reason...not cool or kind. Who wants the "I already have you so I can be how I want" thing...
I m married since 8 yrs with a girl whom i dont like, My Marriage was against my wishes, now we dont talk each other from starting ,we dont have child, we dont have any connection but she still at my home
i dont know why but from my inside i cant see her as my wife, she is completely out of my mind set, i want to get divorce
but when i think about my family and relatives i m confused to take decision. Although every member of family relatives are well aware that they have done wrong with me and they really want solution of this problem, but my father he is dont want to listen me
What should i do ?
why do you wanna get divorce?
you;re staying focus on the fact that this marriage was againt your will. but whats done is done and now you even have a kid. getting a divorce is just going to be so hurtful and messy.
develop your relationship with Allah. He will help you find a solution. you and your family (if not already) start walking TOGETHER toward Allah. this is where the common understanding is. this is the only way you're going to be able to meet halfway.
If she hasnt done anything wrong or broken any islamic rule or anything, why divorce? have you given her a chance? have you tried to change? and then you might ask "how shall i change" as i said above. change for the better Islamic you. thats the meeting ground.
i would say try and get your hands on ths book, inshaaAllah it will help you greatly http://www.al-hidaayah.co.uk/the-fragile-vessels-by-dr-muhammed-aljibaly...
Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?
You dont have a child? Btw, why did they force you? Its interesting because usually you never hear a guy that says he was forced.. May Allah help you both if your not happy, and maybe try to work it out with her, im sort of in the same situation but im litterally trying my best. Sometimes you feel guilty because your family gets so affected by your decisions, but iA theyll realize that what makes you happy will ultimately please them if its within the guidlines of Islam. Like if your sincerely trying and you stay kind to your spouse theyll see that.
I think ur wrong failling in love doesnt mean you have to go out and talk u can just have one look and fall in love that is called first sight love, well so far as i konw in islam the man is allowed to see the womens face and hands so that doesnt stop you from falling in love, before you guys right ur comments please try to understand islam in a better way it is not that hard the way us muslims make it.
I don't understand the concept of "love at first sight", perhaps because I don't think finding someone good looking and liking what the little you initially know of a person = love. Is that what people call love?
"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi
Describe what you understand about the word 'instinct'...
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Do u have to be long?
So are u saying love at first sight is an instinct?
"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi
Lol its a process. Answer the question.
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