By Shaykh Muhammad Salim Ghisa
Marriage is a sacred bond between a man and woman, which makes each other permissible for them to enjoy and live happily. Allah has described, in the most moving and eloquent terms, this eternal, natural relationship between man and woman, which is filled with security, love, understanding and compassion:
And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: Verily in that are signs for those who reflect. (Quran 30:21)
Marriage is a sacred bond between a man and woman, which makes each other permissible for them to enjoy and live happily. Allah has described, in the most moving and eloquent terms, this eternal, natural relationship between man and woman, which is filled with security, love, understanding and compassion:
“And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: Verily in that are signs for those who reflect. (Quran 30:21)
Marriage is also an important part of the Sunnah. The Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said: “The Nikah is my Sunnah (way), whosoever leaves my Sunnah is not from amongst me” (Kitabus Sunan – Mishkat)
The Prophet of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) has also said as narrated by Ibn Masud (May Allah be pleased with him)
“Young men, those of you who can support a wife should marry, for it keeps you from looking at non permissible females and protects you from immorality. However, those who cannot should devote themselves to fasting, for it is a means of suppressing sexual desire.” (Bukhari and Muslim)
However, we also find that in today’s day and age that there are many marriages that are improper or unfair and can make a person’s life miserable. These marriages are either forced or arranged against a person’s will. Islam does not support in any way a marriage where either the man or woman is unhappy with the set up.
We find that some people use their power of authority and cultural understanding (baradarism) to arrange such forced marriages and then hide behind the religion of Islam to justify their actions.
Arranged marriages
Arranged marriages are allowed and promoted in Islam as long as they are accepted by both the bride and the groom. One of the conditions for the Nikah (marriage ceremony) to be valid is both the man and woman are asked independently of each other as to whether they agree with the marriage or not. If either of them say ‘no’ then the Nikah cannot continue , however, silence is regarded as consent. (Radd ul Mohtar).
The parents have a responsibility to ensure that both couples are compatible and do not arrange a marriage merely for their own social or personal reasons (i.e. 'she's my brothers daughter, lets get our son married to her'!). If the latter is the case then they will have to answer to Allah. The Prophet of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) gave the strictest orders with relation to the rights of others. He said
“'Truly Allah has totally forbidden disobedience (and the subsequent hurt) to mothers, burying alive daughters, with-holding the rights of others, and demanding that which is not your right.” (Hadith Muslim 4257. Recorded by Mughirah b. Shuba).
When a suitable partner is chosen then four things are considered, out of which one should take importance and this is the religious practice of their prospective partners. Whilst the following Hadith is in relation to choosing a woman, it refers to both sexes: the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said
“A woman (or man) may be married for four things: for her wealth, for her noble descent, for her beauty or for her religion. Choose the one who is religious, lest your hands be rubbed with dust!” (Bukhari and Muslim)
Although the Prophet advised the young Muslim to look for a religious partner, it does not mean that they should ignore their preferences regarding the physical beauty. The Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) encouraged seeing a prospective partner before finalizing the marriage, so that a Muslim does not find his/herself trapped in a marriage with a woman/man he/she finds unattractive.
Al Mughirah Ibn Shaibah said “I got engaged to a woman at the time of the Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace). He asked me “Have you seen her?” I said “No”. He said “go and have a look at her, because it is more fitting that love and compatibility is established between you.” (Nasai)
Therefore, in the above situations we find that Islam promotes love and compatibility between husband and wife and recognizes that these are vital ingredients in a successful marriage.
Forced Marriages
Whilst we understand the importance of love and compatibility we must also ensure the approval of both parties. However, one must also recognize that forced marriage is a problem occurring today and Islam condemns it to the highest degree. The issue of forced marriages is not one that is limited to some Muslims, but Hindus, Sikhs and other religions also acknowledge it as a problem.
As explained above, Islam regards marriage as a right of the individual and therefore others cannot make the decision for them. If a woman/man is forced in marriage then the marriage would not be valid and would therefore need to be cancelled. However, daughters and sons should also recognize the rights of their parents and come to an agreed solution before the marriage takes place.
If this does not happen then those who forced the marriage and those who allowed it are both guilty and have committed a major sin. The following incident clarifies the position of forced marriages in Islam;
Khansa Bint Khidam said “My father married me to his nephew, and I did not like this match, so I complained to the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace). He said to me “accept what your father has arranged.” I said “I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.”
He said “then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.” I said “I have accepted what my father has arranged, but I wanted women to know that fathers have no right in their daughter’s matters (i.e. they have no right to force a marriage on them). (Fathul Bari Sharah Al Bukhari 9/194, Ibn Majah Kitabun Nikah 1/602)
At first, the Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) told Al Khansa to obey her father, and this is as it should be, because the concerns of fathers for the well being of their daughters is well known. But when he realized that her father wanted to force her in to marriage she did not want, he gave her the freedom to choose, and saved her from the oppression of a father who wanted to force her into an unwanted marriage.
Love Marriages
Marriages that are done due to a couple falling in love with one another are acceptable but are usually an unlawful way of approach. Meaning, that two people of the opposite sex start a relationship and then decide they want to marry. However, one must also realize that this is happening and therefore if a couple are in a relationship they must either get married immediately and save themselves from sin or separate.
If the father/ mother is aware then they should ensure that there is a successful outcome and if there is compatibility between the couple, they should try and ensure that the marriage takes place as soon as possible. Mere excuses, such as they are from a lower cast etc are not acceptable. However, valid reasons such as religion must be taken in to account.
Abu Hurairah narrates that the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said “when one with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage then accede to his request. If you do not do so then there will be temptation in the earth and extensive corruption”. (Tirmidhi)
Secret Marriages
Secret marriages whilst recognised are severely disliked in Islam and even Haram when it goes against the will of the parents. The reason for this is that it means that those who are responsible for them are not advised of it and the couple will go against their parents by doing so. The Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) has clearly stressed that the will of the father is the will of Allah (Bukhari) also how important it is to obtain the dua of one’s parents.
Whilst we recognise that sometime parents need to be advised, this should be done by asking relatives to intervene, or the local Imam or anyone who may have an influence over one’s parents and they can agree. Insha Allah a marriage can only ever obtain spiritual comfort if the dua of one’s mother and father is with them.
Whilst the secret marriage may be valid it does not mean it is right and blessed.
May Allah give us the ability to understand the sacred concept of marriage and the Islamic approach towards it.
What is the best way to find a partner in the UK? To find out and to read more articles on marriage visit: www.therevival.co.uk/marriage.php
Comments
Asalam alaekum waramotulilahi wabarakatul, I am a Muslim male from a Muslim family, I fall in love with a Muslim lady from another country (foreigner) for about six year now. The lady's father is of late but she has a younger brother who is mature,understand Al-quran and hadith and knows the right from wrong. The problem now is her mummy, she does not want her to marry me cos I am not from their country. She had try to force the lady into marriage with people from her country and she hard also try to force us to leave each other but with the help of Allah (swt) we are still together. After she realise that everything she is doing is not working, she started to curse us. Now the lady is scared because of the curse. I try to ask some Muslim scholars and I was told that, if the father had died,the next person that have the right to give the lady hand in married is the man's son (according to Islamic sariah (law). I alway ask the son for this and he always support us to marry each other. The lady always help her mummy and follow the rules the prophet Muhammad
ask us to obey for our mother. Now because the woman and her friends had create an ideal of their own, that, none of their daughter should marry a foreigner for this reason she is not accepting me. My question now is will the curse affect us as the brother (the lady's brother) support us?. Also,the lady is scare and want to quit because of the curse.
Wa alaykum salaam.
No one can say if the curse will affect anyone because that is something that Allah knows/decides. If Allah wills it to happen then it will, if He doesn't, then it won't. But how does a person know that a curse has affected them? What if it you take other coincidental events as the curse?
Whatever happens though, it will be for the best, as Allah only does what's best for us.
"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi
STARE
Mike was the love of my life and walked out on me after I cheated on him twice with his best friend. I don’t know why I did it and going back to it, it wasn’t even all that great (lol). His best friend was an asshole and really screwed us. I was the horrible person and the weak person however and gave in to him. It was not fair to Mike and I cannot even imagine how it feels. Except…I imagine SORT OF IT BEING…similar…to the situation of him walking out on me. I know what I did was wrong but it was not planned. I wanted another chance. I knew we were meant to be. With ayelala shrine spell and ultimate psychics…I did finally get my second chance. They are great, worked with me through it all and the results I could clearly tell were nearly instantly working for me. It wasn’t long or horrible like the other casters I have tried. These people are for real! Give them a shot. You may post this on your new site, ou have my blessing” ayelalashrine@gmail.com is the answer
I'm beginning to realise that it isn't unusual for the marriage threads to have a large number of posts and comments.
ha ha
ha ha
That isn't true. Love marriages aren't totally unacceptable, they are allowed within certain limitations, you must realize what your actions are before you sin. It is all precautionary, but not discouraged. In the case of love marriages, it is easier to sin without realizing it. It is risky. It is simply not the best approach. Islam supports loving the person you marry, because it allows more room for comprimising, while marrying the person you love leaves greater opertunities to accidentally do something wrong. It is mearly better to be safe and do it right, because marriage you will have to live with, and if you were to sin or make a mistake, you live with the regret.
That isn't true. Love marriages aren't totally unacceptable, they are allowed within certain limitations, you must realize what your actions are before you sin. It is all precautionary, but not discouraged. In the case of love marriages, it is easier to sin without realizing it. It is risky. It is simply not the best approach. Islam supports loving the person you marry, because it allows more room for comprimising, while marrying the person you love leaves greater opertunities to accidentally do something wrong. It is mearly better to be safe and do it right, because marriage you will have to live with, and if you were to sin or make a mistake, you live with the regret.
Men do not have more authority. The children are taught to obey their mother three times before obeying their father. The mother is more in charge in household matters, but in any relationship, it is most healthy to have a equal balance of power, and to have good communication.
Asalaamu alaikum, I am a muslim sister who has intention to marry a muslim guy but it is difficult as his family wants him to marry someone from their own ethnicity (pakistani), however I am not a pakistani. We are very compatible, but his parents just don't like me for my ethnic background.
I really want their acceptance but his parents will not change their minds.
In islam, it is said that you should not disobey your parents, however, they are forcing him NOT to marry me just because of our ethnic differences, even though me and my lover have NO problem with that.
My question is that: is it islamically wrong to continue with our marriage even if his family disagree's with it due to ethnic differences and no other reason?
Sweet-talk his parents if you have to lol. Its difficult to continue with a life-changing decision knowing parents may not be happy with it, so I suppose the best way of overcoming that is trying to find a common ground with them to come up with a reasonable solution. Spend the day with them. Wash all the dishes. Buy them presents. Massage their feet. Cook breakfast for a week. Clean their bedroom. Blackmail them. Ok maybe not the last one, but my point is at least you have made an effort to make a difference and can't say you haven't tried or not given them an excuse to like you.
It drives me so mad when people judge you for something you can't help. Islamically saying they don't want you because of your ethinic background is wrong and it should be known. Nothing but a typical mentality which should have been destroyed years ago. Especially if that's the ONLY reason for not accepting you. I'm sure if you explain and ask them for why they think such twisted stuff and how its not a problem in Islam etc, then it should open their minds up. Otherwise I don't see how its your fault and a silly reason like that shouldn't put anyone off getting married to the ones they love. Its your happiness that matters most at the end of the day; not whether you were turkish, syrian, palestinian, or bangladeshi.
Of course make loads of duaa as well.
My sister is 24 years old and obviously a muslim and my parents want her to get an arranged marriage which she is perfectly fine with. recently my parents have found the "perfect" man. we have previously had proposals and she has said no but this time she felt pressured and scared and decided to say yes. unfortunately my parents thought she liked the guy and wants to go forward with the marriage. my sister does not feel attracted to the guy and there has been some problems since he is fair and they commented on her darkeness which left her very upset. the guy and the parents are coming to my house this sunday and since the day he said yes we have been having family conflicts. this is because me and my other sisters (not the one getting married) told my parents or mainly my mum who is the one forcing, that she can not force my sister to say yes to the guy. she went on a whole next level rant saying how if women say no to the guy it is a major sin. can someone please clarify to me that women has a say in whether she would like to go forward with the marriage or not. thank you. to be honest i think i might go slightly mad because my gcses are in 3 weeks and my mum is pilling stress on me to pressure my sister to say yes and i can't seem to handle it any longer! Oh and my mum is a person who you can not sit down and talk it through with because she still goes by culture and will lecture you for a good 2 hours.
If the choices were: marry my first cousin or run away, which one should I choose? I really feel like killing myself but that's a total sin... I really don't know what to do and I can't handle such emotional pain by my mother... I would like a reply from a pakistani with experience... Also I'm 17 and have been heari about this arrangement since I was 14
If the choices were: marry my first cousin or run away, which one should I choose? I really feel like killing myself but that's a total sin... I really don't know what to do and I can't handle such emotional pain by my mother... I would like a reply from a pakistani with experience... Also I'm 17 and have been heari about this arrangement since I was 14
Aoa Amber Syed,
You are very young and your parents have no right to force you in a marriage with your cousin. You can definitely consider their proposal and tell your parents honestly that you are considering it. But even then if you do not want to go for it then just simply tell them. I can tell you are in a very bad state. May Allah help you and save you from this messy situation where even your parents are not siding with you. Just keep praying a lot and keep trying to reason with your family. OK. You have much more to see in this life and you have a right to that so stand up for yourself, because by doing so you are NOT wrong! Allah has given you this precious life for a special purpose. You will know what your purpose is but killing yourself is just NOT an option ever. These issues are not worth risking your life. Remember do the right thing and when you know you are right- Stand like a Rock! Don't give up!
Pray a lot of Ayat e Kareema: La ilaha illa anta subhanaka inni kuntu minazzaalimeen.
Trust me the worst of troubles can be sorted by reciting this. All the best!!!
well, since she agreed, they would think that that was the case, that she wanted to get married to him...
If it isn't she should discuss it with them.
She has to stand up for her self. Maybe she is interested but also has fears? in which case help get rid of the fears.
She needs to talk to her parents - the longer she waits the harder it will get.
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
Well thats a bit hypocritical (did i spell that right? *nea*)
The royal family are mostly married in breds anyway, and a lot of western societies "upper classes" used to do that same too. Its only in the last 100 yrs or so that they've stopped doing this.
Its a bit retarded for them to start judging other people for things they themselves used to do.
And I heard as it were, the noise of thunder. One of the four beasts saying come and see and I beheld, a pale horse. And his name that sat on him was Death... and Hell followed with him.
Do they want u to marry at this age? Have u told them u dont want to? Have u told them forcing is not allowed in Islam?are u against the guy or just marrying young? If it's the guy too, is it just cuz he's ur first cousin? Do you think he's a good guy otherwise?
"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi
They want me to get engaged at this age and get married at 22. I told my mom I didn't want to but she went into a huge lecture about how corrupt I am and only chistians don't marry cousins and how she thinks I won't get anyone better than him... He's a good guy but I've watched many videos on how kids of first cousins are usually mentally disabled and what not... He's rich, handsome, he's a great guy but I really don't know about marrying my cousin. Please advice me
Hmm 22 is reasonable. So you're main issue is the fact that it's a cousin marriage? Ok, so yes there can be health issues if the genes are so similar however since you've been watching and reading on it I'm guessing you don't have first hand experience.
My parents are first cousins. Alhamdulillah I am fine. I know lots of others who are the same as me - cousins and friends who have first cousin parents and they are fine.
You know,maybe it is better not to marry first cousins. Maybe. Yes there can be problems but there can be health problems no matter who you marry, you'll just find that out later, if that is what Allah (swt) wants for you. I think of people *keep* marrying first cousins then that's definitely more risky and should be avoided - like if I married my first cousin and then my kid married their first cousin from the same side of the family. But the odd marriage is fine! And like I said here will always be risks.
I think in this case it's much better that you marry this handsome, nice, rich guy that your parents approve of than to run away based on just the fear of the unknown! You do just seem afraid of what *might* happen but really you dont know what the future holds, whoever you marry. So I would say hink about this with the facts, his qualities and be a lil less scared (of course marriage is scary anyway!)
You yourself say that he is a good guy so I would advise you to forget all the scare stories people tell about cousin marriages, do istikhara and marry the guy!
And that's just a fellow teen's advice. May Allah help you do the right thing
"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi
and i back up TPOS's points. dont sideline him just because he's ur first cousin, he cant help that. judge a marriage partner based on things they CAN help. and if you see things you dont like/clash with how you feel then he's not hte guy for you.
Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?
Aslaam walaikum, hope you are doing well.
My name is Eram, 19 years old from Leeds. i randomly came acroos this website and saw your posts. i know its been a while since you posted your concerns, so i was just wanting to know how everything is going for you as i feel i am in a kind of similar situation as to which you were in, and was hoping you may be able to give me some advice.
Hope to hear from you soon. Take care.
You have to qoute the person to make it clear who you're talking to. Saying that, most people who quote on this topic aren't ones to stick around (unfortunately) so the person may not see your post.
"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi
From what I hear and have experienced. Is that daughters have the best relationship with their father rather than their mother. So the father knows their daughter better than any other potential husband can ever know. The father has more life experience than any potential husband has ever had.
Therefore when a potential husband seeks a wife. He should gain her fathers approval. The father will decide after listening to and understanding the personality (not wealth, what family they are from etc). Then the potential husband gets to see the potential bride (with the fathers and mothers supervision. Both parents should not be in the same room but close by). Then both potential husband and wife decide...
Actually check out Sheikh Shady he explains it better;
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=DCt80TT0RDo
There are two parts, each around 45mins long.
PS. The first paragraph is only my opinion.
Aslamu alaikum,
i want to ask u something, can i write in urdu? because i live in spain n my english is good for understand what u post, but i cant write too good for explain you my problem.
Thanks
Asalamu alaikum.
Sorry I'm from Bangladesh. I don't know how to make this any easier for you to say. Try in English I might be able to understand.
No prob.
Go ahead, write in urdu, we'll try to help if we can, no promises though I'm afraid.
"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi
U live in Spain? Intiendes español? Because I can speak in Spanish English and Urdu.. If u want to only tell me ur story, u can write in either one of these languages. Feel comfortable, I might be able to relate
Hey guys, I haven't written to u guys Ina while. But here's an update. I've thought a lot about this and looked through everyone's conversations. I've decided that I'm going to marry him... If u guys want more details u can reply
u can write in Urdu, Spanish, or English... I speak all three... Tell us your story and I will update u guys on my story ok? Cuz a lot has happened since the last time I wrote
Pages