Well young one, parents say there daughters are dead to them, cuz they dunno what else to say.

If these girls opposed the engagement "back Home" n ther parents forced em into it neway. Then they shudnt really be shocked by the daughters doin a "legger".

Now this case is peculiar. They ran to live with there uncle. So y cant daddy jus go get em? Is his sat nav not workin or summink?

Runnin away happens a lot. Some cases, kids r so stupid they dno how good they got it at home, they run off n regret it. In other cases, parents r too harsh on there kids.

In most runaway cases, its cuz the female (its normally, altho not always, a female runnin off) has a boyfriend, n parents wunt let em marry.

This stupid stuff about a girl loving her boyfirend vice versa, n wantin to marry him, when she's barely hit 18 is silly to me. Ive seen many cases of "young love/Puppy love".

BLAME THE TV

lol... they're not the cleverest of people are they if they decide to run away. Rather than dealing with the problem they make it worse by running away. Tell me were these people born stupid or did they take lessons?

Firstly where are they going to go? Secondly how can anyone prefer living as a hobo with your lover, compared to living at home with full luxiouries??

So the parents didnt accept them... big deal. If you want them soo much why didnt u convince them?? Stand up for yourselves (weaklings). Running away is the cowards way out.

So to recap: Running away= Wrong therefore further things that may happen e.g. disownement is directly their fault. Cause and affect.

Salaam

It’s very easy to condemn and look down at those people who run away from home…however, that is mainly cos many of us are fortunate enough to come from families that would never do anything that’d make us want to run away.

Personally, I do feel that running away from home is the worst possible thing a girl can do to her parents…however, my view is relative to the situation. For instance, if the girl is being mentally/physically or emotionally abused then to save herself sometimes running away from home is the only answer….

Sometimes extreme situations call for extreme actions….however, regardless of the situation, a girl should never run away with her boyfriend, there are plenty of other places she can go if it comes to that…

Wasalaam

If I were expected by my family to relate to people for whom I have no respect as potential spouses (spice? ) I would be bound to lose respect for my family's expectations and would declare my life my own and quite possibly "fall in love" with someone totally naff and run away so as to demarcate myself as much as possible, but a wiser strategy might just be to demonstrate some serenity and confidence and do my thing when I know I'm in a position to take a stand. But I personally think a father who would arrange a marriage for a resistant daughter is pretty heartless, selfish, primitive and takes the girl for a sucker and would sooner either screw up her life or see her dead than resemble what a father should be, which is caring, supportive, guiding, constructive, loving, not "I'm the man!"

I know a girl who ran away from home because her parents were planning an arranged marriage here in London and when her parents asked her if 'he was ok' she replied by saying 'yes' but later she ran away.

Wouldn't it been easier for her if she just said 'no' as she did have a choice and wasn't being forced into a marriage.

I just think girls sometimes are too shy or scared even to say 'no' and may think they have to say 'yes' in order to please their parents.

Isn't there a hotline where you can call in if you're being forced into a marriage?

[url]http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/1388014.stm[/url]

Muslim Bro,

If a girl is scared to tell her parents she doesn't like this man, the parents have obviously not given their daughter the impression that they are loving and supportive and available to talk things over, and have not properly consulted their daughter on arranged marriages and listened to her, and are quite possibly lying in retrospect so they look OK. I am sure you can envisage such a family.

There are [url=http://www.missdorothy.com/home.asp?pid=329&t=0]resources[/url].

I was saying if a girl has the choice whether or not she marries a man she should say what she honestly feels and not say 'yes' just to make her parents happy as she is going to spend all her life with him.

Forced marrige doesn't come into this as she had the choice and the parents didn't say she had to marry this man.

When I said: 'I just think girls sometimes are too shy or scared even to say 'no' and may think they have to say 'yes' in order to please their parents.'

This was just in general and not reffering to the situation I mentioned above.

Yes, but that rests on an assumption that the family do not impose negative consequences for saying no, and lacks compassion for a girl who is scared of such a response. It all lacks compassion. And you know how aggressive some families are in defense of what they mistakenly call their "honour". (Honour, btw, in my book, is a way of relating to yourself and other people, and while it is something that others can bestow upon you, it is not possible for it to be diminished by anyone but yourself. Distinct from AN honour, such as cutting the ribbon and thereby opening this shopping centre, which can obviously be given or taken away. Somebody whose daughter takes a different stand retains their honour by responding in an honourable way, and not with condemnations or, worse, barbarism.)

I had a friend who said "Yes" and then went through the entire marriage arrangements...booked a hall, brought her suit etc and then on the last minute she said "No".

Parents sometimes ask their daughters when they're way too young and then expect them to hold on to their word when they become older.

I think you're misunderstanding me.

The family are not religous fundementalists where they will kill the daughter if she says no just to protect their 'honour'. She was pretty & educated (the girl in question is related to me) and if she had a boyfriend the parents would have been more than happy to let her get married to him.

I think you have a stereotypical view that every girl who runs away from an arranged marriage has been forced into it.

well if they were religious, they would know that murder is not allowed anyway!

(when telling others not to play to stereotypes, make sure you are not doing the same!)

Some people are religous and think it's ok to kill someone in order to protect their 'honour'. Not saying that is right.

"Admin" wrote:

(when telling others not to play to stereotypes, make sure you are not doing the same!)

Muslim Bro,

Quote:

I think you're misunderstanding me.

Maybe there is truth in that. I just know that I have not met many people who ran from an arranged marriage and I recall that those who did lived in an oppressive environment, so I may be conforming to a stereotype but I daresay your example is more the exception than the rule. I lost all contact with a good friend not long after he "rescued" his runaway sister from the hostel she was in and she moved to Pakistan and she was very intelligent from an excellent school and pretty as well and it seemed like a great shame she should be put through all that, so I promise I am not just reading sensational news.

Then they are not religious.

Its as simple as that.

Being religious means upholding and following values taught by the religion.

That is what is wrong. Someone with that view IMO cannot be regarded as 'religious', as the person is just bastardising the beliefs to meet his/her criteria.

It's hard to believe that in Muslim countries 'honour' killings take place all the time even when it is not allowed in Islam. Countries such as Jordan & Syria (to name a few) allow 'honour' killings and it is not illegal.

I saw a documentary at college where a wife was seen talking to an unknown man (in Turkey) while her husband was at work and she was killed because it was assumed that she had committed adultery.

you sure its actually legal?

I would be extremely surprised if it was... It would be publicised quite a lot.

and the ruling for adultery being death... well That does not just apply to women, and there needs to be conclusive and irrefutable evidence.

Jordan: Part of article 340 of the Penal Code states that "he who discovers his wife or one of his female relatives committing adultery and kills, wounds, or injures one of them, is exempted from any penalty."

Syria: Article 548 states that "He who catches his wife or one of his ascendants, descendants or sister committing adultery or illegitimate sexual acts with another and he killed or injured one or both of them benefits from an exemption of penalty."

According to Islamic law, stoning is prescribed as the proper punishment for married men and women who commit adultery when proof is established. Proof being:

Pregnancy, four eye witnesses or a confession.

Horrible, nasty, against all respect for human life, disgusting.

I guess it is possible some will actually enjoy the following link but I watched it a while back and definitely did not. Please don't click on it if you are squeamish but if you want to see a stoning and form your opinions on whether we should all be doing it, here is the [url=http://www.apostatesofislam.com/media/video/stoning_video_100kbps.wmv]li....

Death will never be beautiful. It will always be horrible.

Amen.

Um, at the end there is a song many of you would not like. It was not there in the video I watched a while ago, but I had to search for this one. Please don't lump the song in with the point about stonings.

It's interesting that it's the men here who are saying girls are cowards for running away. The fact is in most south asian families there are more repercussions for staying home and saying "no". All the examples I can think of either the family wil make her life so difficult she will be forced to change the no to a yes, live in an abusive environment, or leave home.

Other examples girls are usually beaten. It has nothing to do with religion more with culture, it's very prevalent amongst the Indopak community, but taboo to admit. They're emotionally blackmailed, or they're forcibly taken back home. Once there, their passport is removed from them. So they feel like they have no choice but to agree, if they ever want to see British soil again. Yes the old "we're taking you on holiday" still seems to work.

Boys however seem to have more freedom. They can very easily say no, and they would be spared a beating, simply because parents know they're physically strong enough to fight back, and independent enough to leave home and survive.

Furthermore sad to say this, but in families where girls are being pressured to get married against their wishes the brothers are of no use. If anything their brothers join in on mentally and physically cornering their sisters so they feel like they have to say yes or leave home.

Now how can you say such girls are cowards? The cowards are the parents and family members who work like a pack of wolves to effectively destroy the life of a human being they claim to "love", all in the name of preserving their "reputation" in the community.

In my community girls are beaten to a pulp for even hinting at leaving home, not necessarily for a guy. They would literally be made home bound, education would be denied, and an early marriage would be forced upon them. If such a girl wanted to marry according to her own wishes, she would have no choice but to leave home, unless her parents were very open minded.

Sure attitudes are changing, some parents are very understanding and allow their sons and daughters to have a say in whom they marry. Restrictions such as ethnic background, race, religion and caste still remain, but individuals have the chance to give their consent. However as far as the general picture goes we have a loooong way to go before attitudes change drastically.

Exactly.

ooo sorry lilsis i didn't mean to upset you, the topic just stirs up my emotions, I know a few girls who've beeen through it.

Anyways your parents sound cool you have nowt to worry about, course you'd never leave home, you'd be insane girl! Cheer up

Yash, you make it sound like you live in the far east every girl left right and center is being forced into marriage. No offence to you, but where you live sounds kinda messed up. Ive never been a supporter of marrying young as they dont know what the hell they're getting themselves into and parents usually stick to the 'we're you're parents we know whats best for you, i say you do bass!' routine.

Every girl has the right to say 'no'... saying 'yes' then saying 'no' is just stupid. If she dont know, or if she's not ready just say so damn it. To hell with the emotional blackmail. Girls should understand its their futures at stake. Im not necessarily saying they're cowards... okay according to my above post i am... its just i have no time or patience for the weak. Stand up and make yourself be heard people. Let them know you wont be forced into this cr@p and you aint gonna take this BS from them.

And i object to the generalisation:

"yashmaki" wrote:

Other examples girls are usually beaten

No they're not. Just coz a small minority of them get a raw deal dont mean its a common occurance. Where I live and the people whom i know guys/girls both have a choice and both can accept or reject any potential spouse without the family going apeshit. All the parents will say is: "Are you sure?" and thats all. So please dont make it out that the entire asian community are screwjobs who care for little other than their honor. Wheres the honor in marrying your own daughter off when she aint gonna be happy?

Im not saying it doesnt happen... ofcourse theres a few messed up people and families out there that will do this whom i have no respect for... but i dont think running away is the answer unless her life was literally in danger from her psychotic family. Then she should totally escape but have no illusions of how difficult its going to be.

Ive never had any love for the community... infact i couldnt care less. My honor will be based on what i do and ultimately what i think is right. Coz when i stand before the lord almighty and say virtue wasnt convienant at the time or "what would people say?" this will NOT suffice. If i am to be condemned then i will be for MY actions not for what other stupid people told me to do.

And finally to lilsis... im sorry if you dont agree with some of my views... but my views do not require you to agree with them. They are what they are and i stand by them.

[color=magenta]i would never run away from home cuz i no for a fact dad n mum wouldnt forc me to get married to someone i didnt want to, cuz just recently dads looking for someone for my older sis n im the in betwen person so i running around sending messages between them n many times there have been potentials but its like me n my sis didnt agree wiv the person who dad thot was suitable n we said it strait up no i dont fink this geezer is suitable n dad dont say nothng hes lke fine n he carries on looking,

but generally guys do find it easier cuz last week my next door neighbour got married n she was happy n stuff n her parents r so strict on her but they let th son ru riot n they wont say nothng, yesterday his girlfriend comes n knocks on th door for him his mum opens it calls her son n off they went now i knw for a fact if one of the daughters had her boyfrind coming to th front door both would get sliced[/color]

why on earth would you run away from home?

it would have to be sumat serious, i.e getting the crap beaten outta me daily and nowt i can do.....but to leave to be with someone you 'love'

bollywood hero's and heroin's :roll:

It doesn't require daily beatings, and someone who is old enough to marry and in a fix with the family might well resort to moving out. People do all kinds of things. LilSis puts it well, she obviously has a pious, open-minded and warm family but acknowledges many families are nothing of the sort.

I have been horrified by some of the things that have happened in some Muslim families and while I'm sure all cultures have their flaws it seems that in many Muslim communities basic neglect and incivility is endemic. I have gleaned this in petty jobs that required knocking on doors and also when working in the NHS. Reports from the papers about beatings, runaways and honour killings do not really surprise me. It is something that I believe requires a big awareness campaign in the Muslim community so that families with poor standards start to conform to the expectations of a civil society. I would prefer to think of LilSis' family as the norm rather than the exception, but at present I would be kidding myself.

"The Great 100" wrote:

I would think it doesn't require daily beatings, and that someone who is old enough to marry and in a fix with the family might well resort to moving out. People do all kinds of things. LilSis puts it well, she obviously has a pious, open-minded and warm family but acknowledges many families are nothing of the sort.

who does? sorry, didnt read the whole thread!

moving out, and running away are two diff things tho