Before you start getting all worked up and start sending death threats to the Editor, just relax. And breathe. Muslims seem to be uncomfortable discussing issues which ‘make Muslims look bad’ – others may even go as far as to deny that they actually happen. However, Allah (swt) has commanded Muslims to stand up for justice. It makes no difference if it affects one individual or thousands. We need to have the confidence and courage to admit our shortcomings and stand up for the oppressed. Even if the oppressors are Muslims.
Sexual abuse in the Muslim community can take place in many different forms. It can take place within the community where trusted, respectable figures take advantage of those in their care or it can take place within the family. In nearly all cases, sexual abuse is viewed as taboo which makes people brush this issue under the carpet.
What is sexual abuse?
Sexual abuse is any kind of non-consentual sexual contact forced upon another person. In other words any sexual act where a person is forced to do something they don’t want to. This can be anything from inappropriate touching to actual sexual intercourse. Children and women are more likely to be victims of this kind of abuse, but that is not to say that it doesn’t happen to adult males too. The abuse can be a one-off isolated incident or something which occurs regularly.
In most cases, the person who sexually abuses another is in a position of trust and authority. Studies have shown that often the perpetrator is someone known to the victim i.e. a family member or someone known to the victims such as a family friend, a neighbour or a teacher.
Sexual abuse is most likely to take place within the family, where a parent, sibling, cousin or relative may take advantage of their position of trust and exploit a young, vulnerable person under their care.
People who abuse children may come from any religious background, nationality or gender. It is not always adults that abuse children. It is possible for children or teenagers to behave in an abusive way.
Abdul from Nottingham talks about his nightmare ordeal:
“ I was 10 years old and my cousin who was about 18 took me for a spin in his car. I looked up to him and saw him as a big brother. After a bit he parked the car up and asked me to sit in the back. I didn't think much of it. Next thing I knew was that he was touching me and trying to pull my trousers off. I was scared and kept telling him to stop but he tried kissing me and just wanted to take my pants off. I did enough to push him away and get out of the car. Fifteen years later it still haunts me and it has had a massive affect on my life. In a way I'm lucky he didn't rape me as I found out later he also tried it on with several of my other cousins as well. This experience has made it difficult for me to trust anyone at all and I still have a lot of anger inside me.”
Adam from Bradford also speaks about how he was abused by his uncle when he was only 7 years old:
“I always played games with my uncle since he arrived from Pakistan. One day he was at my house and he told me to go upstairs so we could play there. He took me to my room and started wrestling with me and it was great fun. But then he started taking my clothes off. He took my trousers off and told me to turn around. Then he raped me. Then he went away. I just cried and couldn't really understand what had happened. It’s been ten years now and only now have I started talking to certain people about it. I have tried to forget what happened but I just can't. A lot of the time I just feel depressed but now some of my family members know and they have given me a lot of support and confidence.”
Haseena from Ipswich talks directly to others who may have been abused:
“It didn’t really affect me until my flashbacks started when I was about 14, then it changed me. I could never trust people, especially not men. ESPECIALLY Asian Muslim men. It drew me away from Islam completely. I don’t think you can ever 'get over it'. I think you learn to deal with it. You learn that it wasn’t your fault and not everyone is like that. You learn to deal with the painful memories as just memories and realise that you have a life ahead of you. My advice would be to talk about it to someone who you can trust. Don’t make the mistake that I did and block it away trying not to think about it, because all you do is think about it and it slowly eats away at you. Once you can admit it happened and talk about it you can learn to deal with it and start to live the rest of your life.”
Sexual abuse by ‘religious’ teachers
There are numerous self-professed ‘religious’ teachers around these days. Many of them claim to make your problems go away for an unreasonable amount of money. In some cases, the ‘religious’ teacher may request to see their patient in a private setting away from the prying eyes of their family. They may even insist that they need to be totally secluded in order to do the job properly. This practise is wrong and completely un-Islamic. Parents and carers need to be careful about trusting strangers with their children and loved ones. If a ‘religious’ teacher was true to his faith, he would never seek to be alone with someone that he wasn’t related to.
Laila speaks of her experience:
“When I was fighting against my forced marriage my parents took me to see a holy man. He took me into a room and didn’t let my parents in. He made me lie on my back, uncover my stomach and scorched me with a burning hot sabre. He slapped me violently and systematically whilst shouting in Arabic. I was in severe pain. I had to play along because he wouldn’t stop hurting me. He told my parents to bring me back and informed them that someone had put a spell on me, and that’s why I was rejecting my marriage. He told them to slaughter a black cockerel and throw it over a bridge. My parents obliged. For the next five sessions, I was locked in a room with him on a bed whilst he forced me to drink bitter potions and rubbed himself against me like a pig and ogled me like the dirty old man he was. He did everything to me, except take my virginity. I never talked about this with anyone. This so-called religious man went to the mosque, led prayer and was officially a good Muslim. If I accused him, I would have placed myself in danger.”
Child Abuse
People who abuse children may emotionally blackmail them, threaten them or give them presents or treats to silence them.
In some cases the abuser will often play on the child's fear, embarrassment or guilt about what is happening; sometimes the abuser will make the child believe that he or she enjoyed it and wanted it to happen. This psychological blackmail and the fact that a child is not mentally prepared for physical stimulation can be confusing and emotionally traumatising for the child.
Sexual abuse can cause the child to behave in an unusual manner. The following are various signs to look out for:
• A child being overly affectionate or knowledgeable in a sexual way inappropriate to the child's age.
• The development of medical problems such as chronic itching, pain in the genitals, venereal diseases.
• Self-mutilation, suicide attempts or running away from home.
• Personality changes such as having low self-esteem, being depressed, becoming insecure or clingy.
• Regressing to younger behaviour patterns such as thumb sucking or bringing out discarded cuddly toys.
• Sudden loss of appetite or compulsive eating, or the development of an eating disorder such as anorexia or bulimia.
• Being isolated or withdrawn.
• Inability to concentrate.
• Lack of trust or fear of someone they know well, for example not wanting to be alone with a babysitter/child minder or refusing to go to a particular place.
• Having flashbacks, bed-wetting, suffering from insomnia or having nightmares.
• Become worried about clothing being removed
• Suddenly drawing sexually explicit pictures
• Dramatic drop in achievement at school or mosque.
So why do people sexually abuse others?
Other than being sick in the head there are a number of factors that make people abusive. Abusers often pick up the habit after watching their own fathers/uncles etc. abuse the women/children in their family when they were growing up. In other instances, people who are unable to deal with the frustrations that are taking place in their life, i.e. economic hardships, work issues, insecurities etc, take it out on the vulnerable. Some people who sexually abuse children have psychological issues and don’t actually see anything wrong with their actions. Some abusers have been victims of sexual abuse themselves or have come from unhappy and or violent homes.
Effects of sexual abuse
The effect sexual abuse has on a person is phenomenal. Sexual abuse can leave deep emotional, physical and psychological scars. Children who have been abused can develop deep distrust in adults, have issues with commitment, develop a fear or an unnatural understanding of future sexual relationships and may even turn to drugs, crime or promiscuous behaviour to deal with the past.
Why don’t victims of sexual abuse speak out?
In most Muslim communities sexual abuse is seen as a taboo issue. Unfortunately this prevents Muslim victims from seeking the help needed to overcome it. A lot of people don’t speak out against the abuse because they are afraid to do so, thinking it might lead to it happening again. Suffering from low-esteem, some victims even blame themselves for the abuse or feel deeply embarrassed. Others don’t speak out because they are worried about the consequences it will have on their family. As Muslims it is essential that we speak up for victims of sexual abuse and encourage them to seek the variety of confidential help and support available to them.
Are you a victim of sexual abuse?
1. Know that you are not alone and you are not to blame
There are many others who have suffered in a similar way to you. It is important to remember that no one has the right to sexually assault, attack, harass or abuse another person. Did you cause it? Of course not! Are you a bad person because of it? Absolutely not! The abuser is to blame. The abuser is a sick person and the only one who is in the wrong. They alone are the ones who caused it.
2. Tell someone trustworthy about it
Telling someone else about your experience is a way of getting help. Understandably, it takes a lot of courage but if you have been keeping it hidden inside of you because of shame and fear, it's time to break this wall. Confide in someone you can trust. You might find it easier to talk to someone you don’t know like a counsellor rather than open up to a friend or family member. If so there are plenty of organisations you can contact; these are people who care and will listen to you and help you overcome it.
3. Consider telling the police about it
You may save someone else from being similarly attacked or abused if the police know who your
perpetrator was.
4. Get counselling
There are professionals trained to help those who have been abused. You are simply getting proper assistance from someone who knows how to help you deal with this emotionally and psychologically. Don’t bottle up your emotions as it will just make it more difficult to overcome. Counselling and psychotherapy have been proven to be effective treatments for those who have been abused. This can be in the form of individual, group or family therapy.
5. Have dreams and set goals
When we stop dreaming we die inside. Dreaming is a wonderful outlet. Set goals that are realistic. Make sure they are specific and make sure you set time frames. These time frames and goals can be evaluated and updated and changed as the need arises.
6. Believe that anything is possible
Some people call this faith. Have faith that you will overcome the past. Have faith that you will have positive future relationships. You might think that you won’t ever recover from your dreadful experience or that it has damaged you forever but that isn’t likely to be the case. You might not be able to change what has happened but you can certainly, over time, make sense of what’s happened to you and minimise the effect it has on your life.
7. Put your trust in Allah (swt)
Ask Allah (swt) for help regularly. He (swt) is the source of strength and guidance, and can and WILL help you get through this. Turn to Him (swt) regularly in prayer and supplication when you feel overwhelmed with this situation or any other difficulty.
According to Islam, all life is sacred. No one has been given the power or right to harm others. As Muslims we have a duty to protect each other and those in our care. We MUST speak out against any known atrocities and should never try to cover them up.
HELP AND SUPPORT
If you have been affected by sexual abuse then the following are reliable and trusted organisations you can contact for confidential help and support in dealing with it.
NSPCC Helpline
Tel: 0808 800 5000
Email: Helpline@nspcc.org.uk
NSPCC Asian Helpline
Bengali 0800 096 7714
Gujarati 0800 096 7715
Hindi 0800 096 7716
Punjabi 0800 096 7717
Urdu 0800 096 7718
Asian/English 0800 096 7719
Sakinah (Muslim counseling service)
0870 005 3084
Muslim Youth Helpline
0808 808 2008
ChildLine
0800 1111
The Samaritans
08457 909090
MOSAC
Free phone 0808 980 1958
Telephone advice, information and support for mothers and female carers of children who have been sexually abused.
Family Matters
01474 537 392
Helpline and counselling for children, adolescents and adults who have been victims of abuse. Services for non-abusing family members.
Tel: 0808 800 5000
Email: Helpline@nspcc.org.uk
Comments
Great help you've put there, with turning to Allah and the help lines. But I would make it clear with quotes from the Quran or with a few Hadiths that sexual abuse is not to be tolerated. there's the girl that said it drove her away from Islam, so just make it blatantly clear the Islam has a zero-tolerance to it.
Chin up, mate! Life's too short.
I appreciate the Revival raising a subject that some may raise their eye brows at, as it is a reality with our community and shouldnt be ignored. Id like to point out that *factually* the majority of sexual abuse is not via "‘religious’ teachers", as seems to be implied in the article (a whole paragraph related to abuse from religious leaders). Evidence and investigations into sexual abuse show that the majority of sexual abuse is through close family members and friends (no similar equivalent paragraph was made in the article). This important distinction/information has been omitted/overlooked, and may leave readers with the incorrect impression that their children are in either more or less danger.
May Allah shine sweet faith upon you this day and times beyond. May your heart be enriched with peace, and may your home be blessed always. Ameen.
The above point illustrates the fact that in MOST cases the person who sexually abuses another is someone in a position of trust and most likely to be within the family.
The above point is only exposing the fact that in SOME cases, 'religious' teachers abuse their position.
Allah forgive me coz I did the same thing a few years ago; i used to have sex with me brothers wife. i since then repented; now i dont do it no more. she used to take it silently coz she was scared if she opened her gob nobody believe her. you see me bro did night shifts and i had her all night to meself. she was crying everytime she had it. i told her if she told her husband which is me bro id tell him she asked for it and he is for sure gonna devorse ya. the threat worked and i carried on doing it almost everynight to her. she didnt like it but had to keep shut. she begged me to not do it to her coz this woz no good in islam; i didnt know it till some tablighi bros came around and played cricket with us in the park. then they got into all religious things and all that. it was a bit scary coz they said Allah is going to get very angry and they read some hadis about hell and all. so i thought about it and later a few weeks later i stop having sex with me sis in law; so now i still go to see her but i dont do it now more. this stuff goes on in loads of asian homes but people dont wanna speak out coz you know what, they is scared respect will be gone in comunity and people will look down on all family. so the gals dont say a word to no one. all the lads know this and carry on doing it to their own family and now i thinks its not right; but i got to be honest, who am i to judge them coz i did it too.
Brother Ahmed - this stuff does not go in in loads of home as you put it. Has this really happened to you or are you making this up to antagonise people or maybe play out your fantasies. If you had any respect for yourself or your brother or your sis in law you would not have gone into such detail.
Ask a scholar what the punishment is for zina in shariah and maybe this will make you not so blaise about what you did and how you destroyed your sister in law. You will have to answer for that too.
Yo Ahmed geezer - You are 1 sick guy!! Naoozobillah
Salam,
firstly, in the Muslim community, I would say almost 95% of the abuse comes from a family member, mainly from brother-in laws (dhula bhai) and maternal uncles, obviously we’ve got some dirty imams as well but they’re in the minority if you compare it to the Catholic priests.
Secondly, we need more Muslim organisations who deal with the matter in hand, and if we’re going to use an advice line then preferably it will have to be freephone number, why is it that most of the non-Muslim places have freephone and we don’t?
Remember, although school counsellors are good, if a child tells them that they are being sexually abused then by law the school has to contact the Social Services and as a result the child will almost always be taken away to foster care. So it would be better if there were Muslim counsellors who regularly visit schools for advice sessions and who specifically talk about sexual abuse, we have so many initiatives to combat bullying so sexual abuse should be a high priority as well.
Parents also need more information/education on the matter, often when children are being sexually abused the parents take the side of the perpetrator, this is because the child is too embarrassed/ashamed to confront the issue and this gives the perp to speak out and blame everything on the child.
What is wrong with mentioning sexual abuse during a kutbah?????????????????? When I was working with young victims I contacted a few of my local mosques to mention the issues and the rise of sexual abuse in our community within families but I had very negative replies. What you have to remember is that these paedophiles/satans sometimes go to Jummah and even if they don’t their some of their friends will, so if the topic is bought up then they’re forced to think about the situation and realise that sexual abuse is wrong and it is haram. In some Asian communities, it’s considered ok for the brother-in law to make sexual remarks to the wife’s sister and even go as far as being allowed to touch her as a joke, this has to be addressed in the mosques, everybody’s so busy with trying to establish the Kilafah, or becoming a minister, but they’re really letting our children down!
http://www.jbkarts.co.uk
http://www.facebook.com/pages/JBK-Arts/16328633207
As brother Ahmed has said, he has repented so keep the smart comments to yourself.
But does he need to go into so much detail? There is an adab to everything, and why do you think the comments are "smart"? There doesn't seem to be any hidden barbs to what Anon said. Sins are between a person and Allah and I particularly do not want to know his sins.
We are not like unbelievers who think that we should tell the world and everyone in it our problems with their culture of counselling.
Sister Jasmin
Muslims are people of Isnad and we quote our sources. Please provide sources for your statistics and other opinions expressed as they seem highly unfair.
Not always.
Sins committed against a person require that person's forgiveness BEFORE Allah (swt) will forgive.
Some sins you can simply repent from, for others there is a punishment.
In all cases, it is wrong to tell others.
The person may be sorry, want forgiveness for his sins. At the same time, he should not spread the details to others.
Either way, the holier than thou attitude by others is also wrong.
PS I would not classify that sin as having sex with another, but rape. Something which has a prison sentence attached to it in the UK. I cannot see how he did not realise it was wrong until "after being lectured". Ofcourse he knew. But it was "drilled home" after being lectured. Don't make excuses.
Saying that after he said he has repented.
There are two rights a human can break the rights of ALLAH swt creation and the rights of ALLAH swt for example if you drink alchohol you are breaking the rights of ALLAH swt but if you beat someone up you are breaking the rights of ALLAH swt creations, when you break the rights of the creation then that creation has to forgive you but if you break the rights of ALLAH swt than ALLAH swt can forgive you.
Those who danced were thought to be quite insane, by those who couldn't hear the music...
With all due respect, I did not say that the article does not mention most sexual abuse occuring within the family. I said that the article imho mistakenly emphaises sexual abuse by religious teachers, as opposed to sexual abuse committed by family members. Please remember that there is an entire separate headed paragraph related to sexual abuse being committed by religious teachers. There was no paragraph with equal or similar emphasis related to sexual abuse by family members. This, was not imho factually friendly. It is no exaggeration to say that readers could have come away with the incorrect impression/fear of "religious teachers", over and above that of family members, right? As I said before, I am grateful for the Revival's step in broaching this delicate subject, and I do thank and credit MuslimSister for the article :--)
I agree. When I first read Ahmed's story, I felt really hurt for his sister-in-law. Ahmed, Id ask that you seek her forgiveness because she may still be enduring great pain and anguish as a result.
May Allah aza waj'al grant us sabr, rahma and the gift of tawba. Ameen.
Mere words, however gratifying and expansive, may not be able fill the scars left in her soul, but I make du'a that she reaches the gardens of everlasting bliss which is devoid of pain and full of happy memories, tranquility and peace, Ameen.
May Allah shine sweet faith upon you this day and times beyond. May your heart be enriched with peace, and may your home be blessed always. Ameen.
I think I remember you, and at least you have repented to Allah, but I would repent to her as well.
Chin up, mate! Life's too short.
i was abused by a 'relgioues teacher'
when i first read the article tears went down my face and i read it over again and again.
i was shocked to see there people just like me.. a muslim whos been abused.
The issue of abuse has not been risen and people are not really aware that this happens.
i dont know why people are picking out bits in the article.. and puttin it in there own words..
am just really glad and happy that it has been risen now.. and it will help people who are going through it even though its bit late for me now but for others who are going through it reading the article will help them alot beacuse it really helped me
thank you
Abused? Sexually or physically? If you don't mind me asking?
This "religious teacher" needs to be beaten up! Well done for getting through that.
Chin up, mate! Life's too short.
Jazmin,
I think you're definitely right, we need to talk about this issue in our community, whether people like it or not, because the fact is that this problem exists in the Muslim community and we can't ignore it. Khutbah's at jummah would definitely be a good idea, but whether imams will buy this is another thing.
Just to let you know, Muslim Youth Helpline deals with issues like this, and they are free to call from landlines and most mobile networks.
Hey i'd just like to say thank you, this article reallly helped me i guess its just hard to carry on as normal after everything but knowing that although i may not be able to get the support from my family, i can still turn to my other brothers and sisters for advice and help... Thank you.x
p.s. i'd just like to say that the editers of this magazine are doing a wonderfull job Mashallah..!
You take care and look after yourself. You're a strong person, rmember that.
Chin up, mate! Life's too short.
Im asking this just out of curiousity, referring to Ahmed's detail account of his doings, why did u do it? not even thinking about Islam, when you did that, didn't you your self think it was a heartless thing to do? I mean you have a conscience obviously cos u later repented, but u broke ur brothers trust, and made her afraid.
Sorry for making you feel any more bad, then you already do and i know u said you repented, may Allah accept it, but i was genuinly interested to know the questions that I asked you.
Well, he's probably not reading this anymore.
Chin up, mate! Life's too short.
salaam alikum. I'm so glad that there are people out there trying to make an effort in raising awareness against this filthy act, which is very much part of our society. reading some of the experiences made my eyes well up with tears. I make sincere duaa to Allah to help these people and to make life easy, happy and peaceful. And i also pray that they get life-partners who treat them with kindness and love and affection. It's a global problem - sexual abuse has been around for a long time but now things just seem to be getting out of hand. I can't help noticing how many articles of this kind we read in the papers every single day....and sometimes it's just so frustrating. May allah protect us all from these animals, bcus that's what they are, and keep us under his protection. Aameen.
Stay Safe
TheDeenSister
Salaam,
Nobody is judge but Allah(SWA). One thing you must remember is that the rights of the people are held in high regard come the day of judgement. You must seek forgiveness of the person you have committed this grievance against. InshaAllah she will forgive you. If not then sincere repentance to Allah(SWA) will be sufficient InshaAllah. Abuse such as this is abhorrent and should be so for Muslims and Non-Muslims alike. As per the article, everybody should stand up for what is right and what is truth.
Allah(SWA) knows best. JazaakAllah.
WaSalaam.
Amina
I wouldn't say permanently, there comes a point where you'd want to stop being miserable and confront what really happened and move on.
If someone is permanently damaged then it certainly won't be fun or something they'll aspire to be like.
“Before death takes away what you are given, give away whatever there is to give.”
Mawlana Jalal ud Din Rumi
"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi
Hmm...I know someone who was sexually abused from the age of 8. This person is now 20/21 and is firm in their belief in Allah/Islam. It gives them hope and helps them carry on living...
don't know how 'close' the abusers were to God though...
"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi
I think what Patience is trying to say is that a naive person might not know the this abuser isn't truly religious, they might think that the abuser has the authority of God, at least for a little while.
“Before death takes away what you are given, give away whatever there is to give.”
Mawlana Jalal ud Din Rumi
Sakoon counselling have experience working with Abuse. Have a look at there website they are based in the UK but have clients as far as Australia thanks to Skype and offer Islamic Counselling.
Islamic Counselling
www.sakoon.co.uk
There was a girl who claimed a mosque teacher/imam raped her. I think some thought it was actually the care taker, but the mosque committee members decided they had to let the imam go. Not surprisingly, members of the community were outraged by this decision! I still don't really know the full story though, but it's sickening if it's true.
Does counselling (in general, not just for these kinda cases) really work? Even though that is a possible career route for me, I'm not sure if it's actually any good. I mean sometimes talking about stuff doesn't help, it just makes you relive the bad moments and make u feel worse.
"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi
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