There once was a village in Muslimistan, where a young boy called Wali Nuteen lived. He was a kind, fun-loving adventurous boy, who was Sunni, practicing, tall, with a fair complexion, steady job and a healthy respect for Shia people, without appearing dogmatic. In fact, just the kind of description any Muslim lady scouring adverts on Muslim matrimonial sites would be happy with.

One day, Wali was walking along the main street of his village when he spied a beautiful lady. In an instant, he fell in love. The girl was called Begum; she was from a rival tribe. She was 23 years his senior, and already married. But he still, Walis love for Begum knew no bounds.

Usually, someone like Wali would be smacked silly at the very least by Begum’s husband, or by Begum’s family or more likely, by both. However, Wali was known as being an eccentric boy and decent if not very bright sort, so they didn’t kill him. Wali didn’t do much about his love either, just quietly waited for the right time.

Many years later, news reached Walis village that Begum’s husband had tragically chocked on his miswaak. Begum was distraught and her children fatherless. Wali, being the insensitive, selfish chap that people in love usually are, thought he had found his chance. Begum’s father, who was now 76, met with Wali.
“Your only chance with my daughter is if you can kiss your elbow”

For the next few days Wali wandered between his village and Begums village, vainly trying to kiss his elbows. At last, he couldn’t take it anymore. With the assistance of a local blacksmith, Wali dislocated both shoulders, and kissed both his elbows. Triumphant, he staggered to Begums house.

However the awkward angle of his drooping arms, along with the screams of pain, looked like an insult to Begum’s father. He promptly shot Wali through the heart. Begum did not know any of this as she was on a recuperative trip to the seaside. Begum’s father was a very very clever man.

The locals used this story to warn children about love, and the story became ‘Wali Nuteen Day’, which after visits by Crusaders, and many years of retelling, became ‘Valentine’s Day’. The moral, dear readers, is this:

Do not dislocate both your shoulders to kiss your elbows on Valentine’s Day, or any other day for that matter

Read more @ Mr Moo

A few profanities here and there, but I doubt this segment of video to subtitle will ever get old:

[video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQnT0zp8Ya4]

Police will begin arresting Brian Thompsons
like this one later today

THE government has banned the extremist group Islam4Uk, forcing it to change its name to Brian Thompson.

Following a high-level inquiry by the Daily Mail, home secretary Alan Johnson said he had proscribed the organisation under a series of names it goes by including Al Muhajiroun, Beard Force and Anjem and the Hurricanes.

Mr Johnson said: "We can only keep Britain safe from terror by continually restricting the number of names these organisations have access to.

"By forcing them to be constantly ordering new stationery and car stickers we can ensure they have no time to say those horrid things that make the editor of the Daily Mail phone me from the tinfoil-lined, underground capsule beneath his garden shed at three o'clock in the morning."

He added: "Eventually they will be reduced to using an ever-changing sequence of numbers and not even the angriest young muslim man is going to want to join an organisation that doesn't have any words in its name."

Terror experts have backed the home secretary insisting the IRA was a legal organisation for much of the 1970s allowing it to not only carry out violent attacks but set up a chain of discount carpet warehouses and a frozen food delivery business.

A spokesman for Brian Thompson said: "We expect Brian Thompson to be banned within hours, so we have prepared a series of names to last us until at least mid-March including Phil Jackson, Barbara Evans and Big Jim Barker's Dixieland Jazz Quartet.

"Anyway, who's up for having loads of crazy opinions about stuff?"

From The Daily Mash

I am sure we had one (or more) before...

There is only one rule: make them funny.

Ok, first one:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

What does Google Suggest suggest about the state of humanity?

Why would a little girl in Yorkshire think Jesus was born in an egg?

It's a question we must all ask ourselves. And apparently it's a popular question on Google. The search engine offers a feature called Google Suggest, which, as you begin to type in a search query, offers popular searches that begin with what you've typed.

It highlights some worrying concerns that humanity struggles to deal with. For example, We typed 'why would a...', to which Google suggested the above query. Fear gripped our hearts -- fear for the future of the species.

To highlight the many disturbing questions Google frequently pulls up answers to, we've picked our favourite Google suggestions. Because we're awesome, we've provided no-nonsense answers for the benefit of the hard-of-thinking who look for them.

We typed: 'Can you put...'
Google suggests: '...peroxide in your ear?'

Answer: Theoretically, yes. But if you feel you want to, consider other orifices too, such as the nostril, the tear duct and the humble anus.

We typed: 'Am I going...'
Google suggests: '...into labour?'

Answer: There's an easy and reliable way to test. Is there a brand-new human poking out of your lower body? If yes, then congratulations, you're going into labour. More accurately, you're already in it.

We typed: 'Am I having...'
Google suggests: '...a heart attack?'

Answer: There's no point asking Google this. Web sites aren't doctors. You know what are doctors? Doctors. If your chest is hurting and your left arm hurts too, call a blinkin' ambulance for heaven's sake.

We typed: 'Why can't...'
Google suggests: '...black people swim?'

Answer: There is no answer to this question. It's demented to even ask it.

We typed: 'Why can't...'
Google suggests: '...I own a Canadian?'

Answer: Because, despite popular myth, Canadians are not objects. We have one in the office, and can confirm this for anyone left wondering.

Read more @ Cnet

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