One day a college professor was greeting his new college class.
He stood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the class was a moron,
and if they were, they should stand.

After a minute a young man stood up.
The professor then asked the kid if he actually thought he was a moron.
The kid replied,
'No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself'.

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the
baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child.
The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said,
"Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed,
"I think Mommy ate it!"

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says.
"You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man.

"How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..."

One day there were three ants, and they set out for their own separate journeys in a house.
One ant went to the oven, the second went to the freezer, and the third went to the toilet.

Later they met again, and discussed their journeys:
The first ant said "My journey was hot!"
The second ant said "My journey was cold!"
The third ant said "My journey was cool... until I almost drowned.

But then a stroke of luck hit,
from out of nowhere came this big brown log..."

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said: "That`s the ugliest baby I`ve ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me" she fumed.
The man sympathized and said:
"Why, he`s a public servant and shouldn`t say things to insult passengers."
"You`re right" she said. "I think I`ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That`s a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

I'm in shape... round's a shape isn't it?

Write all complaints legibly in this space -> []

SHIN - A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Never feed your cat anything that clashes with the carpet!

In Surgery You Don't Wanna Hear:

"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
"Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off."
"What do you mean "You want a divorce"!"
"Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"

Did You Ever Wonder:

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Ya'qub wrote:

Aren't terrible jokes haram?

arnt you an idiot?

Dear Mum and Dad,

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been late in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY!

Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those sick headaches once a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes Mother and Father, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your oft expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he came.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphillis and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am getting a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.

Yours,
Your Loving Daughter

Seraphim wrote:

Ive heard these before

oh well im so sorry seraphim, we cant have you reading the same jokes again it must be torture for you, il do my very best to get some that no one has heard of, i know il make up my own!

mum: oh look its snowing!
teen daughter: that is soo last season! -

(this really happened between me and my mum and the joke was unintentional)

what do you call an electrical bike?

a motorbike!

(i made up this one my self - just for seraphim seeing as he was dying if boredem from the less amusing jokes)

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?
A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

Ya'qub wrote:

Since we're being racist, let me add mine:

Blonde: "Excuse me, I'm here to see the optician!"
Librarian: "This is a library."
Blonde: "O sorry! (whispers:) I'm here to see the optician."

Hahahahahahaha

thats quite good

Seraphim wrote:

A man and a woman on a train, sitting alone in a carriage. The train journey would take all night, so they had to spend the night in the carriage alone togeather. Half way through the night, the man turns around to the woman and says: "Can you please pass me an extra blanket."
To which the woman replied "lets pretend for one night, that we're husband and wife," the man starts to get excited, she then adds "GET YOUR OWN DAMN BLANKET!"... 5 minutes later he farted.

...i dont get it

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial.
First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your rear with out any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2...3...4...5...6...7...8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore, he also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.

The first guy asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second guy replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

bluebottles - what is the point of their existence? dont they realise that if they insist on buzzing around your bedroom when youre trying to get some sleep, that any minute now theyll have their buzzing stopped forever?

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"