Asalaam Walikum ppl
I’ve noticed (as many of you probably have) that its kinda dead lately on this forum so just to spice things up and add a bit of humour feel free to add your jokes. I’m pretty sure there nothing in Islam forbidding jokes (if there is i apologise and admin feel free to delete this thread. Last thing keep it clean please.
Walikum salaam
husband and wife go to see a councellor.
The counsellor says to the husband "what is you wife’s favourite flower?"
the husband replies "elephant atta!"
An Asian man gets caught stealing a packet of sugar while buying a bottle of ribena from kwik save. In court he claims “not guilty because on the back of the drink it says sugar free!”
Here is the story of an Imam who got up after Friday prayers and announced to the people:
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.
An Imam was selling his horse in the market. An interested buyer came to him and requested if he could get a test drive. The Imam told the man that this horse is unique. In order to make it walk, you have to say Subhanallah. To make it run, you have to say Alhamdulillah and to make it stop, you have to say Allahu Akbar. The man sat on the horse and said Subhanallah. The horse started to walk. Then he said Alhamdulillah and it started to run. He kept saying Alhamdulillah and the horse started running faster and faster. All of a sudden the man noticed that the horse is running towards the edge of the hill that he was riding on. Being overly fearful, he forgot how to stop the horse. He kept saying all these words out of confusion. When the horse was just near the edge, he remembered Allahu Akbar and said it out loud. The horse stopped just one step away from the edge. The man took a deep breath, looked up towards the sky and said Alhamdulillah
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Once, the people of the city invited Mulla Nasruddin to deliver a speech. When he got on the minbar (pulpit), he found the audience was not very enthusiastic, so he asked "Do you know what I am going to say?" The audience replied "NO", so he announced "I have no desire to speak to people who don't even know what I will be talking about" and he left. The people felt embarrassed and called him back again the next day. This time when he asked the same question, the people replied "YES" So Mullah Nasruddin said, "Well, since you already know what I am going to say, I won't waste any more of your time" and he left. Now the people were really perplexed. They decided to try one more time and once again invited the Mullah to speak the following week. Once again he asked the same question - "Do you know what I am going to say?" Now the people were prepared and so half of them answered "YES" while the other half replied "NO". So Mullah Nasruddin said "The half who know what I am going to say, tell it to the other half" and he left!
[/quote]
"ThiS WoRlD Iz A PrIsOn 4 A BeLiVeR AnD PaRaDiSe 4 A NoN-BeLiVeR.........."
Two squirrels walk into a bar and start having a few drinks. A few hours later one squirrel in particular got really drunk and turns and says to the other squirrel:
“HEY YOU! I slept wit ya mother!” The whole bar goes quite to see what the second squirrel says. He doesn’t say anything… in fact he stays silent. A few drinks later, the first squirrel turns to the second one and says:
“HEY YOU… you know what? I slept wit ya mother!” Again the whole bar goes quite to see what he will say. And again he stays silent.
A couple of hours later this happens again. One squirrel turns to the other and says:
“Hey you… guess what? I slept wit ya mother!” finally the second squirrel turns to the first one and says:
“Go home Dad, your drunk”…
Back in BLACK
since the average squirrel only lives to about 8-12 years, i think it was very unresponsible for the barman to serve them drinks underage....
Don't just do something! Stand there.
But its okay for them to be able to talk?
Im sure in squirrel years it all adds up
Back in BLACK
A year is the amount of time it takes the earth to go around for the sun.
I am pretty sure that is the same for squirrels.
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
They have a large vocabulary, consisting most notably an assortment of clucking and chucking sounds,not unlike some "game" birds, and they warn the listening world of approaching threats.
Now you know why they talk
No not the gum drop buttons! – Gingy
I think you'll find what i was refering to was that some animals age alot more than humans do. For example, the human equivalent of a one-year-old cat or dog is actually between about 10 and 15 years.
Back in BLACK
A year is still a year.
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
[b]women[/b]
**sister walks out of exam hall**
Oh my gyad, that chemistry test was so easy! I'm sooooo happy for
finishing my last exam. This is the happiest day of my life! LOL!
**a brother exits from opposite exam hall**
Oh, WHO is that? Is he Muslim? He has an ugly beard ewww. He looks
scary. And WHY is he walking this way? Oh my God he's headed straight
towards me! Okay, be calm… it's all normal. Just be polite and make
eye contact and…
BROTHER: Assalamu Alaikum
SISTER: Walaikum Musalam
OH MY GOD. He just said salams to me! No way it must have been to
someone else. Wait, but there is no one else around. OH MY GOD IT WAS
FOR ME. But why? Why would a random brother just say salams to me? It
just doesn't make sense. I've been wearing this hijab for ages… so why
the salams NOW?
Hmmm, this brother looks like he's almost done in under grad. Isn't
that the brother who got into med school? Wow he's so smart mashAllah.
Why would someone like that say SALAM to me? Was he just trying to be
nice? Hmmm.
OR maybe he was being MORE than nice. Yeah I think that has to be it.
OMG no way. Does he like me??? I've never seen him before but I
sometimes study in the science library so he probably saw me. Why
wouldn't he say salams to me then? Maybe he was waiting to become more
secure in his field before saying salams to me? I think that must be
it. He is no doubt scouting people… of course.
This is soooo weird lol. But mashAllah he's a good looking brother.
I'm sure he's pious. That beard looks good on him mashAllah. I wonder
if he's talked to his parents about me yet? I hope his parents will
like me. I'm a nice girl though. All the aunties love my personality
lol.
But if he lives far away then I might have to move close to his
parents' house because his job will probably be around there. Oh man
the change in life will be sooooo hard to get used to. I wonder if
he's going to live in his own place or if we're going to move in with
his parents? I wouldn't mind living with his parents ONLY if they're
open-minded. Uffff I hate close-minded people. I want to have nice
in-laws.
I hope he wants a simple Nikkah. I can't stand all that extravagant
crap that goes on nowadays. He seems very simple and down-to-earth
though mashAllah. Definitely my kind of man. I wonder how he is with
kids. I don't mind having kids but he better not be the type that
wants like 50 kids. OMG that would so suck. 3 is a good number. I like
the names Bilal , Mariam and Ayesha. InshAllah it'll be in that order.
I wonder if he's very science-y. I don't like when people are too
science-y. I think our kids should do anything they want as long as
they are successful. Bilal would make a good social worker I think.
He seems like the type that would always compliment my cooking, no
matter how bad it is lol J I hate guys who think women belong in the
kitchen. I think he'll help out once in awhile too. He seems so gentle
and delicate hahah.
Wow I hope when Bilal grows up he'll let me and that brother live with
him. I don't want to go to any retirement home! No inshAllah that
brother will instil good values into Bilal. But OMG should I wait
until he says salams again? I'm sure he'll make the first move.
Brother's Point of View.
**brother walks out of exam hall**
Wow. I think I failed that exam. I haven't shaven for days because of
these stupid exams. I look like a werewolf. Stupid science. I think
I'll switch into political science next year… I can't take this. Hey
is that a hijabi over there? Hmmm I think I should be polite and say
salams.
BROTHER: Assalamu Alaikum
SISTER: Walaikum Musalam
Man, I'm hungry. I wonder what's for dinner tonight? Hopefully
spaghetti
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
*Syed and Fatima work furiously on a Biology assignment in the group study area of the School Library*
Syed: So have you finished the assignment?
Fatima: Not yet uffff.
Syed: Hey no worries, we’ll get it done inshAllah.
Fatima: I hope so… I’m doing terrible in this class.
Syed: Hang in here Fatty, hang in there.
Fatima: Please don’t call me Fatty in public.
Syed: Sorry.
Fatima: Ah it’s okay. You’ve been helping me this entire year and I appreciate it.
*A random sister named Zainab walks up to them*
Zainab: Assalamu Alaikum
Syed: Wasalams
Fatima: Wasalaikumu Asalam
Zainab: Ummm … I’ll talk to you later Fatima.
*Zainab leaves and walks to her locker. Balqees approaches her. *
Balqees: Salam
Zainab: Oh my gyad! Guess what!
Balqees: What??
Zainab: I just saw Syed and Fatima in the library.
Balqees: So?
Zainab: Together! Alone!
Balqees: OMG
Zainab: I know! *squeels*
Balqees: Those two are ALWAYS together.
Zainab: I KNOW!
Balqees: Well thanks for the news. I have to go to class.
*Balqees leaves and heads to her class. She is stopped in the halls by another sister.*
Haifa: Hey Balqees!
Balqees: Haifa!! *squeels*
Haifa: Wow you look awfully happy today.
Balqees: I got the biggest news story ever!
Haifa: *screams* REALLY? WHAT IS IT?
Balqees: Well do you know Syed?
Haifa: Oh that cute guy who always gives the athaan?
Balqees: YEAH! Well I heard that he likes Fatima!
Haifa: NO WAY!
Balqees: YEAH! It's sooooo cute.
Haifa: Awwwww
Balqees: Well I have to go to class. Wasalam!
*Balqees leaves. Haifa stands in the middle of the hall, thinking to herself. She is approached by another random sister.*
Haifa: Oh hey Yas!
Yasmeen: Salam Haif! What’s up?
Haifa: Just standing around.
Yasmeen: Oh I like doing that too. What are you thinking about?
Haifa: What to wear for… oh oop!
Yasmeen: Oop what?
Haifa: I’m not sure if I was supposed to say … I think it’s a secret.
Yasmeen: Oh come on!
Haifa: Arright I’ll tell you! But promise not to tell anyone!
Yasmeen: I pinky square it.
Haifa: Okay well I was thinking what I should wear to…
Yasmeen: YEAH?
Haifa: SYED AND FATIMA’S ENGAGEMENT PARTY
Yasmeen: Oh my gaaaaaad. NO WAY.
Haifa: YES.
Yasmeen: When? When?
Haifa: I don’t know but I’ll keep you updated.
Yasmeen: WOW this is amazing. I have to go home. Talk to ya later Haifs. Salams
*Yasmeen walks towards the bus stop but is stopped by another sister*
Yasmeen: Oops, excuse me.
Salma: Hah, almost ran passed me did you girlie?
Yasmeen: LOL omg Salma didn’t see you there.
Salma: Why are you smiling?
Yasmeen: Oh for no reason.
Salma: Oh come on there’s a reason!
Yasmeen: Okay but promise not to tell ANYONE. Like really.
Salma: I promise. Teehee.
Yasmeen: Okay… well. SYED AND FATIMA are MARRIED.
Salma: WHAT?
Yasmeen: YEAH! They did one of those online nikkahs!
Salma: Are those even legal?
Yasmeen: Maybe…maybe not. But either way they’re hitched.
Salma: So that’s why they’re always together.
Yasmeen: Yeah we should be receiving Walima invitations soon. What to wear?
Salma: *giggle* I already know what hijab I’m wearing hahaha.
Yasmeen: *giggle*
Salma: Okay well I better go study. Ciao.
* Salma leaves and heads to the library. She spots Syed and Fatima. *
Salma: Hey guys
Syed: What’s up?
Salma: Just wanted to send my congratulations. LOL *giggle*
* Salma leaves* Fatima: Congratulations for WHAT?
Syed: I’m not entirely sure. Maybe they’re happy that Mom’s feeling better?
No not the gum drop buttons! – Gingy
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
dat last 1 waz good
bt jus membr naz, oldham beta dan manchester lol
Sardar ji is filling up a job application
He promptly fills in the lines on NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc.
Then came the column SALARY EXPECTED
After much thought he writes Yes
Banta Singh was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defence. "They should not put up such misleading notices,"said Banta Singh." It said , "FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
Letter from mother to son Santa Singh. Pyare Puttar, Vahe Guru. I am writing this letter slow, because I know you can't read fast. We do not live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I wont be able to send you the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they would not have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I am not sure it works too well. Last week I put 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since then. The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained 3 days, and the second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. We got another bill from the funeral home. It said if we don't make the last payment on grandma's funeral, he will come up again. Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetery . Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your uncle Jatinder fell in a whisky vat. Some men tried pulling him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. There is not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. LoveMom. P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed
Santa and Banta had just bought two horses.Now the problem was that they could not differenciate between the two horses.So,one day Santa cuts the left ear of his horse, so that it is easy to know that it is his horse.While doing so,an enemy of Santa looks at him.This enemy also cuts the left ear of banta.By doing so santa and banta come in confusion to differenciate. So, next thing santa keeps on cutting his horse's right ear , then his tail , then makes him blind and so on .And the enemy also kept on doing so with banta's horse.At last Santa's horse had no legs left and banta's horse was with one leg only .The enemy also went and cut banta's horse one leg. So, in the morning it was the same sitaution , How to diffrenciate thier horses.So, after thinking and putting lots of effort to thier mind - Santa said - O.K You keep the black one and i will keep the white
"ThiS WoRlD Iz A PrIsOn 4 A BeLiVeR AnD PaRaDiSe 4 A NoN-BeLiVeR.........."
i like the squirrels in Willy Wonker and the Chocolate Factory
just thought you all might like to know.
Don't just do something! Stand there.
oh were back to which is the best town. Well in that case if Oldham is sooooo brillant then how come it dont have a cinema?
Manchester got loads of cinema how come Oldham dont? I tell you why coz Oldham is crap :twisted: muhahahaha
them squirrels are a threat to mankind, they are way too intelligent than the average human. Give it a couple of years and the squirrels will form a squirrel army and take over the world
No not the gum drop buttons! – Gingy
we did hav 1, roxy cinema bt dey knokd dit down coz it waz 2 beutifullllllllll
hw kum u dntt hav a .... .... .... erm ... ... a duno reli
the only decent place in manchester is that common wealth games stadium were that spikey fing iz
"ThiS WoRlD Iz A PrIsOn 4 A BeLiVeR AnD PaRaDiSe 4 A NoN-BeLiVeR.........."
london rules baby. we have the MAIN cinema where all the premieres etc take place!!
everywhere North of watford is POOOOO
Don't just do something! Stand there.
key word being did but not anymore. As i correctly remember roxy cinema got shut down coz you oldhamers couldnt behave yourself and you kept trashing it in.
Yeah that common wealth stadium is really cool, not sure what that spiky thing is all about, rather unusual and its like in the middle of nowhere! And
There’s that ice-staking ring they had in the middle of Piccadilly put I think they got rid of it now and put the water fountains back up. They’re also that big wheel near the printworks.
Nothing can really compare to London after all it is the capital city but its just very expensive!
No not the gum drop buttons! – Gingy
that spikey fing is wikdddd
i start buzzing wenever i c it lol
n trafford centre, das reli nyc bt the prices aren't nyc lol
and wimslow roadddd, n arndale n da bestttttt big
gayvilageee lol
bt u not evn in da same league as oldham darlin
we 2 high 4 u lot
"ThiS WoRlD Iz A PrIsOn 4 A BeLiVeR AnD PaRaDiSe 4 A NoN-BeLiVeR.........."
I never want to see that spiky thing for as long as i live. I have seen it 4 times yesterday, 4 times today and will see it twice tomorrow, i cant take it anymore arrrrgh.
Why do you make the assumption that i live in the centre of Manchester? If anything i live closer to you then centre of Manchester.
you got the high bit right, high as a kite. How many spilffs you had?
No not the gum drop buttons! – Gingy
lol neva had a spilff in my life actuallyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
we high in diffrent wayzz
wayz that ppl lyk u wnt understandddd
"ThiS WoRlD Iz A PrIsOn 4 A BeLiVeR AnD PaRaDiSe 4 A NoN-BeLiVeR.........."
A Pakistani guy, an Indian guy, a beautiful girl and an old woman were sitting in a train. The train was going through a tunnel and then it gets completely dark.
Suddenly there was a KISSING sound and then a SLAP!
The train came out of the tunnel. The beautiful girl, the old woman and the Pakistani guy were sitting there looking perplexed.
The Indian guy was bent over holding his face, which was red from an apparent slap.
The old woman was thinking
"That Indian must have tried to kiss that girl and has got slapped."
The Indian guy was thinking
"Damn it, that Pakistani guy must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me."
The girl was thinking
"That Indian guy must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the Pakistani guy instead and got slapped."
The Pakistani guy was thinking
"If this train will again pass through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Indian guy again
"ThiS WoRlD Iz A PrIsOn 4 A BeLiVeR AnD PaRaDiSe 4 A NoN-BeLiVeR.........."
The almighty, wise and knowledgeable M4k4v3l1 please do elaborate. As I am not an Oldhamer I cannot possibly understand how "my kind" (shareef ((honest)) hardworking ppl) are beneath ppl like (there are no words can explain your kind :p) you.
No not the gum drop buttons! – Gingy
dat made me smileee
dat made me laff
n i hav nooo idea wat dat word meanz lol
"ThiS WoRlD Iz A PrIsOn 4 A BeLiVeR AnD PaRaDiSe 4 A NoN-BeLiVeR.........."
ignore tht word i just realised it doesnt make sense lol.
I meant explain yourself.
No not the gum drop buttons! – Gingy
It does make sense:[list][/list:u]
What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.[list]
[/list:u]
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
Ya'qub's Official Best Line from the Simpsons Movie:
[b]"For once a rich, white man is in charge!"[/b]
[i]-Mr Burns[/i]
Don't just do something! Stand there.
i hateee simpsons
i dnt knw how any1 can watch it :evil:
"ThiS WoRlD Iz A PrIsOn 4 A BeLiVeR AnD PaRaDiSe 4 A NoN-BeLiVeR.........."
I believe people use their eyes.
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
^^^
I have to agree the simpsons is soooo boring. Ive tried getting into it but it just aint happening.
No not the gum drop buttons! – Gingy
the best tv show widout a doubt is my wife and kids
itz sooooooooooooooooooooooooo funny
can watch it agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen
i luvvvv ittttttt
"ThiS WoRlD Iz A PrIsOn 4 A BeLiVeR AnD PaRaDiSe 4 A NoN-BeLiVeR.........."
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