Jokes!

Let me guess what your doing?
Reading a book? nana!
Listening to music? uhu!
Watching tv? nah!
caught u reading this! 😃

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can’t just turn her away, and orders the desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview. To just ‘play along’ and humor her.

Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, “What’s 2+2?” “Ummm… 4!” the blonde says.

Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one “What’s the square root of 100?” “Ummm… 10!” the blonde says.

“Good!” the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history. “OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?” “Ummm… I don’t know,” she admits.

“Well, you can go home and think about it,” he says, “and come back later and tell me what you’ve figured out.” He figures that’s the last he’ll see of her.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

“Not only did I get the job,” the blonde says, “but I’ve already been assigned to a murder case!”

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

LOL @ ^^...

I may try that.

:twisted: 😃 😂 :twisted:

One for the kids:

Q. Why do women wear make-up and perfume?

A. They're ugly and they smell.

> > As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on,
> > she became aware that
> > her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up
> > to the height of the
> > first step of the bus.
> >
> > Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the
> > bus driver, she reached
> > behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking
> > that this would give her
> > enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the
> > step, only to
> > discover that she couldn't.
> >
> > So, a little more embarrassed, she once again
> > reached behind her to unzip
> > her skirt a little more, and for the second time
> > attempted the step. Once
> > again, much to her
> > chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
> >
> > With a little smile to the driver, she again reached
> > behind to unzip a
> > little more and again was unable to take the step.
> >
> > About this time, a large Texan who was standing
> > behind her picked her up
> > easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
> > step of the bus. She went
> > ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
> > yelled, "How dare you
> > touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
> >
> > The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally
> > I would agree with
> > you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I
> > kinda figured we were
> > friends."

A guy gets very drunk and throws up on his shirt.

"Oh no!" he tells a friend. "My wife will kill me. She can't stand me getting drunk."

His friend advises he stick a £10 in the shirt pocket and claim some other guy threw up on him, apologised and paid to get it cleaned.

"Great idea!"

When he arrives home his wife sees the vomit and starts laying into him but quick as a flash he pulls the note from his pocket and explains, "It's OK, a drunk man threw up on me and he gave me this tenner to get it cleaned!"

"But that's a twenty!" says his wife.

"Oh yeah," says the man, "he also soiled my pants."

What grows in the ground, has leaves and petals and doesn't need sun or water?

this is the jokes topic, not riddles

[quote="Joie de Vivre"]What grows in the ground, has leaves and petals and doesn't need sun or water?[/quote]

wind? or the funeral-cloth?

i dunno

Come on, Ya'qub!

[quote="Joie de Vivre"]What grows in the ground, has leaves and petals and doesn't need sun or water?[/quote]

A flower on a different planet (that would need another star not necessarily the sun....and the aliens that live there might have a different word that means 'water'... my suggestion is 'flakkelmak')

Not that.

is this a pun?

Nope. The answer's very easy.

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year
or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well.
Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him-"very quick".
The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.
LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
LAWYER "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."
LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?
POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.
LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?
POLE: SHE going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on
shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says, "Polish Remover"

That's so funny Gulz! Here's two:

NB: GRAPHIC WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They're not the politest of jokes. But nothing obscenely rude either!

Why did Tigger look down the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

Do you know, diarrhoea is hereditary. It runs in the genes/jeans!

That's so funny Gulz! Here's two:

NB: GRAPHIC WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They're not the politest of jokes. But nothing obscenely rude either!

Why did Tigger look down the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

Do you know, diarrhoea is hereditary. It runs in the genes/jeans!

ppl make sure you have a box of tissues handy before reading this. Also quite long (well i thought so).

boy- i missed u at school 2day, y weren't u there?

girl- yeah, i had to go to the doctor.

boy- oh realy? y?

girl- oh nothin, annual shots, thats all.

boy- oh

girl- so wht did we do in math 2day?

boy- u didnt miss ne thing that great.......just lots of notes

girl- ok good

boy- yeah

girl- hey i have a question......

boy- ok, ask away

girl-........how much do u love me?

boy- u kno i love u more than anything

girl- yeah.....

boy- y did u ask?

girl-................>silence<..........

boy- is something wrong?

girl- no nothing at all

boy- good.

girl- ..............how much do u care about me?

boy- i would give u the world in a heartbeat if i could.

girl- u would?

boy- yeah.........of course i would >sounding worried< is there something wrong??

girl- no, everythings fine......

boy- are u sure?

girl- yeah.

boy- ok.......i hope so.

girl- ..............would u die for me?

boy- i would take a bullet for u anyday, hun

girl- realy?

boy- anyday. now seriously, is there something wrong???

girl- no im fine, ur fine, we're fine, everyones fine.

boy- ............ok

girl-......................well i have to go ill c u 2morrow at school.

boy- alright, bye. I LOVE YOU.

girl- yeah, i love u 2, bye.

THE NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL:

boy- hey, have u seen my g/f 2day?

friend- no

boy- oh.

friend- she wasnt here yesterday either.

boy- i know, she was acting all wierd on the phone last nite.

friend- well dude u kno how gurls are sumtimes

boy- yeah........but not her.

friend- idk wht else 2 say, man.

boy- k well i gotta get 2 english, ill c ya after school.

friend- yeah i gotta get to science, ttyl.

THAT NIGHT:

-ring-
-ring-
-ring-
-ring-
girl- hello?

boy- hey

girl- oh, hi.

boy- y weren't u at school 2day?

girl- uh.......i had another doctor appointment.

boy- are u sick?

girl- ..................um i have 2 go, my mom's callin on my other line.

boy- ill wait.

girl- it may take a while, ill call u later.

boy-........alright, i love u hun.

very long pause<

girl- (with tear in her eye) look, i think we should break up.

boy- what???

girl- its the best thing for us right now.

boy- y????

girl- i love u.
click<

THE GIRL DOESNT COME TO SCHOOL FOR 3 MORE WEEKS, AND DOESNT ANSWER HER PHONE.

boy- hey dude

friend- hey

boy- whats up

friend- nothin, hey have u talked 2 ur ex lately?

boy- no

friend- so u didnt hear?

boy- hear what?

friend- um idk if i should be the one to tell u......

boy- dude, wtf tell me

friend- uh....call this number....433-555-3468

boy- ok............

BOY CALLS NUMBER AFTER SCHOOL

-ring-
-ring-
-ring-
voice- hello, suppam county hospital, this is nurse beckam.

boy- uh.......i must have the wrong number, im looking for my friend.

voice- what is her name, sir?
(boy gives info)

voice- yes, this is the right number, she is one of our patients here.

boy- rele? y? what happened??? how is she???

voice- her room number is ..646, in building A, suite 3.

boy- WHT HAPPENED??!!!!

voice- plz come by sir and you can see her, goodbye.

boy- WAIT! NO!
*dial tone*

BOY GOES TO HOSPITAL, AND TO ROOM ..646, BUILDING A, SUITE 3. GIRL IS LYING IN THE HOSPITAL BED.

boy- omg are u ok??

girl- ..................

boy- sweetie!! talk to me!!

girl- i..........

boy- u what?? U WHAT???

girl- i have cancer and im on life support

boy- .....................>breaks into tears<......................

girl- they're taking me off 2night

boy- y??

girl- i wanted 2 tell u but i couldnt

boy- y didnt u tell me????

girl- i didnt want 2 hurt u.

boy- u could never hurt me

girl- i just wanted 2 c if u felt bout me as the same i felt bout u.

boy- ?

girl- i love u more than anything, i would give u the world in a heartbeat. i would die for you and take a bullet for you.

boy- ...........

girl- dont be sad, i love u n ill always be here w/u

boy- then y'd u break up w/me?

nurse- young man, visiting hours are over.

BOY LEAVES, GIRL IS TAKEN OFF LIFE SUPPORT, AND DIES.

but wht the boy didn't kno is that the girl only asked him those questions so she could hear him say it one last time, and she only broke up w/him because she knew she only had 3 more weeks to live, and thought it would cause him less pain and give him time to get over her before she died.

NEXT DAY

the boy is found dead with a gun in his hand..with a note in the other...
THE NOTE SAID:i told her i would take a bullet for her....just like she said she would die for me...

how exactly is that a joke?

Whats weird is that...I almost found it funny.

It was so unrealistic (like some hollywood/bollywood story) that I couldnt help but smile.

I must be in a funny mood today.

I skimmed it. The ending was so predictable.

A local priest realises that a rich lawyer hasnt given anything to charity so he decides to give him a visit.
Priest: Good evening sir, i have realised you havent given anything to out charity and i believe giving money is a prime oppertunity to do so.

Lawyer: okay you came to get money but you havent researched my life, first of all my sister's husband was killed in service leaving her with 3 kids and no income.

Priest: (starting to feel remorseful) im sorry..

Lawyer: Wait and my brother is disabled relying on welfare from the government

priest: (regretting he ever came) i..

Lawyer: All those people rely on money from me and if i dont give them a penny what makes you think ill give some?

@ Ya'qub well i couldnt think where else to put it.

No Topic?

[quote="Naz"]@ Ya'qub well i couldnt think where else to put it.[/quote]

not put it in at all?

[quote="Ya'qub"][quote="Naz"]@ Ya'qub well i couldnt think where else to put it.[/quote]

not put it in at all?[/quote]
Well said lol

2 peanuts walk into a bar, one was assaulted!

2 oranges walk into a bar, one says to the other "your round".

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that 1 had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping .......

husband sits for 4 hours looking at his marriage certificate. Wife asks "what are you doing?" he replies "im looking for the expiry date!!!!.

Ek baccha paida hoty he nurse se bola mobile hay kia?
nurse bolhy ha lekin karo gay kia?
bacha: kuch nhi bus woh GOD ko mis cal karni ha k mein pohanch gia hon.

the above translated
a baby is born. He says to the nurse have you got a mobile phone. The nurse says yes but what do you need it for? The baby replies nowt much just want to give GOD a miss call to let Him know i have arrived.

Hope thats right (my urdu is very crap) if not feel free to correct me.

I found this youtube video clip funny. Its a very good impersonation of George Bush!!!

Here is the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGkcb3fsYFM

Alternatively, u can search 'bush impersonator' on youtube. Its the one with the guy in the suit which was posted by the username guitarzan1.

Check it out if u can, Im amazed at how good he impersonates him, he does Clinton too!