Salaam
I don’t like telling anyone what to do…when I want to make a point to someone, I usually invite them a study circle where the issue raised would be the point that I wanted to get across to them….in programmes/lectures/circles etc the style of the Speaker usually isn’t “YOU, should do this…” but “WE, should do this…” or “SOME people do this and its wrong…”
That way individuals do not feel singled out…
That’s what I usually do to younger people…or people around my age.
I find it so much harder to speak to my elders…I have people in my family who do or say thing that are totally against Islam….and out of respect for them, I keep my mouth shut.
I also have friends who’s commitment, interest, zeal and sincerity towards working for Islam can not be doubted….I have the utmost love and respect for such people, however, from time to time…I do not agree with their views and actions….and once, again out of extreme respect for them I keep my opinions to myself.
This isn’t necessarily a good thing…..Hadrat Hassan (ra) and Hadrat Hussian (ra) wanted to correct the wudu of an elderly man…they did this by asking the old man to watch THEM do wudu and correct any mistakes that they may make….as a result the man learnt how to do wudu without feeling embarrassed.
Not everyone has the same level of tact and wisdom….in many cases too many people find it way too easy to condemn, patronize or belittle the elderly in their zeal to “guide” them.
How easy/difficult do you find this?
Wasalaam
Walaykum Salaam,
I am really bad at this, when the oldies in the family are doing sumthing wrong i just tell them straight and it ends up in a massive argument.
I'm not one to keep my mouth shut when they are doing something which is not from Islam.
I need to change the way i approach the eldery, i lack so much wisdom when it comes to it.
I get into an argument with my gran coz most things she says are due to the knowlege she holds about culture which acording to her is "islam", if i aint in a good mood I tell her that she's wrong and that it says in the Quran/Hadith etc and she says to me "obviously your more educated what would i know",then I feel bad coz she gets angry.
At times (when i am in a better mood) I listen to her and put my view forward of what I know of Islam but don't emphasise she's wrong as its pointless talkin to an old person.
As for youngsters its much easier coz they takin in things more and you explain to them why they should/shouldn't do it in a gentle way they absorb it much better.
i dont bother with my nans partly because i dont understand the language proprly and secondly cz they carry too much culture wid them as they hvnt been educated its not ther fault that they dnt no stuff.
its hard form them to accept what we tell them, cz they have been brought up like this all thr life and have carried the same thoughts n ideas, so when we tell them stuff itz hard for them to see sense, cz its like wer pulling a chunk out off the life as thats how they livd.
True, it's coz their thinking is stuck with them and very hard to change, which is why its best to leave the oldies as they have lived their life. It's best to make the youngesters knowledgeable as they are the future.
i agree better to leave them alone, however sometimes its a good idea to have them change their ways cos it could be good for the whole family.
ie the stubborness or incorrect views of elders can and do effect our lives such as marriage etc
then it is best to get someone to talk to them in a gentle persuasive tone and usually someone they respect and they see as an authority in Islam and who doesnt belittle them
The only touchy, sensitive issue for me is when elders try to impose their beliefs and views on me….when they do that I flip.
But if there’re not bothering me….I pretty much leave them alone, its less of a headache that way.
i don't like it when my elders tell me not to speak english, so annoying
Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.
Well wud u like it if sum1 was talking in another language and u cudnt understand it?
(thats only if ur g.parntz can understnd english, then it dsnt matta)
i don't talk to THEM in english, just to cousins and friends. but they have a problem with that too for some reason :roll:
Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.
Well why don't you ask them in a polite manner whats bothering them?
Simple.
nor did mine
but they've learnt to deal with it :twisted:
My approach to my grandma is always of kindness first as you would with a child. Poor things been thru alot ... alot of them have. They dont need us youngsters belittling them and being disrespectful like that. At that age they're more irratibale than normal people which is why patience is a must.
Alot of their views are based on culture rather than Islam, but thru culture and they're understanding of Islam they have survived this long even if it is slightly incorrect.
Youth can not know how age thinks and feels but the old are guilty if they forget what its like to be young. But still as our elders we must respect them and approach them with kindness.
Back in BLACK
Just ignore them.
If they say something you disagree with, put on your biggest smile, nod your head and then do whatever you were gonna do in the first place.
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
The Quran says: "O you who believe, save yourself and your family from a fire, the fuel of which is men and stones". (Surah at-Tahrim)
Ignoring someone can sometimes be alot worse than out right defiance. You'll only succeed in hurting them more.
Back in BLACK
I disagree.
Blatent defience is disrespectful...and, arguing with your elders is totally pointless.
I used to do the latter and it got me nowhere...now, I just listen to what they have to say and do my own thing quietly without creating a fuss.
That way everyone's happy.
You should definitely respect ur elders, but I dont see y one should be afraid or hesistant to correct sumone no matter what there age. If an elder person is wrong, I think u should tell them in a calm and respectfuly manner. Theres no need to argue or ignore them, cuz that wont solve nothing. I think discussion is the best way to go. Just cuz someone is ur elder doesnt mean theyre always right and all knowing.
If you got something to say, say it once.
I only tend to say things once. If people listen then good. If they do not, then their loss. Now that is both for elders and youngsters. In anything.
If I need to repeat myself, I will be ignored anyway. I figured as much out. So occasionally when I break this rule I feel stupid.
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
The fact is with old people they aint willing to listen, again me and my gran had a discussion the other day, she said my peer told me this (i had a feeling he didnt and she must have just been told by a common person and forgot) the fact was she kept sayin you guys do what you want and i'll do what I want, it was a Fiqh issue and my cuz has been teaching us this and I was told this via an authentic source. Even after telling her that she said "well u shud do what u want and i'll do what i want"
Thing is to change old people's thinkin is pretty much imposible becoz they have been told this all their life, to tell them that what they have known all their life is wrong is too much for them to handle which is why they rather remain ignorant of the truth.
I agree with Admin tell them once and if they still aint willing to listen, leave them be, you have done your job of telling its up to them whether they accept it or not.
assalamu alaikum,
I agree with Jihad, it's our duty to inform elders or anyone else of errors concerning worship, fiqh etc especially if we have knowledge on a particular subject. It is a sin if we don't.
Years ago i used to lose my rag because elders would just ignore me and continue with the same mistakes thinking "i know better i'm the adult". Now however i'm a lot more patient and tactful. I usually give an example of a person, usually fictional or unnamed to illustrate my point subtely. i.e if an elder wasn't wearing the hijab properly i'd say: i have this friend who never knew that you're meant to cover your neck as part of the hijab. When i told her she was shocked, coz her parents had taught her it was ok to tie the hijab under the neck, leaving it exposed. After i told her how it's fard to also cover the neck she corrected her hijab.
May not seem subtle to you guys but it works for me most of the time. When it doesn't work well sometimes i continue with the examples but i usually leave some time in between so i don't get caught out lol. The last thing i want is to come across as preaching, arrogant, condescending.
Point is you should do your bit, but have patience, use tact, and don't expect anything. You're not teaching them for any sort of reward, or change in the person's behaviour. So try not to feel frustrated if they don't instantly change on your advice. You are simply doing it because you have knowledge of a certain matter and wish to impart it, and also to please Allah.
giving dawah to the elders is best given by example and not speech.
[b][i]Round and round the Ka'bah,
Like a good Sahabah,
One step, Two step,
All the way to jannah[/i][/b]