Salaam
I have my nanny staying over for a few weeks…she’s an interesting lady.
I rate my nans strength and character…she became a widow at a young age and brought up and married off six children despite living in relative poverty.
She is nothing like my mum and can at times be outrageous in her views and opinions.
My nan often says extremely embarrassing stuff to me in front of friends and family that makes me cringe.
Some people get funny in their old age. They become child like…they’re blunt, abrupt, impatient, embarrassing and at times incredibly annoying.
I have to bath my nan, help her walk, get her dressed, comb her hair and give her a oil massage daily….and all the while listening to the funny, outrageous (sometimes hurtful) things she comes out with….and ironically I’m her “favourite”.
Boy is Sabr important…difficult people really do determine what we are like as people.
Apparently elderly people may end up with the following characteristics:
1 The majority may lose their physical vitality
2 Some of them may lose their mental capacity.
3. A large number of the elderly may increase their emotion feelings beyond limits.
In this country, the concept of the “extending family” system is not as common as it is back home.
In Islam there are no old people's homes. The strain of caring for one's parents in this most difficult time of their lives is considered an honour and blessing, and an opportunity for great spiritual growth.
I was told that an old people’s home was being built in London last year…I’m not sure if its been built yet. It was to be run by Asian language staff equipped with facilities for prayer and other religious ceremonies.
Anyways, the point of this thread is to discuss the status of elderly people in Islam…any stories of your grandparents……the issue of “old people’s home’s for Muslims” and why the concept of the “extending family” system doesn’t work as well as it does back home.
Wasalaam
The elders deserve respect due to their advanced age.
Parents can raise 6 kids between the two of them, but when old age arrives 6 kids find it difficult to look after 2 parents. Sad, very very sad.
The reason why it is harder to have extended family system in UK I think is mainly because of space. Back home houses are larger, they have larger rooms, courtyard etc; but also back home there is less concept of having individual private space. They might have 3 large rooms coming off the courtyard and people just sleep in any of the rooms - no1s room is "theirs".
Here people expect to have some degree of privacy and also houses are smaller so this in my view is the main reason.
Ya ALLAH Madad.
Haq Chaar Yaar
everyone deserves their privacy, especially after they get married. But the increasing trend these days is to abandon the parents and live life to the max.So many muslim kids these days are forgetting their obligation to love, obey, and take care of their parents in their old age. It's as if parents are forgotten once the children become adults.
I understand we all want our own independent lives, but do we want to be abandoned by our kids when we're older? Do we want careworkers, and strangers looking after us, or even bathing us when we have our own children alive?
I know elderly ppl can be very testing, it takes a lot of patience to look after them, but is it right to abandon them? Our obligations to our parents don't end once we're married. Till our dying day we're supposed to take care of them.
I already take care of my elderly mother in law, and my own mother tends to get severly ill so i take care of her aswell. If none of my brothers take care of my own parents once they;re married, then i will take them into my own home no matter how small it is. It's the least i can do for them.
I don't agree with this idea of all kids marrying bringing their wives into the same house with their parents, it's a recipe for disaster. There will be no privacy between the couples. Couples are likely to argue, and just how will total purdah be maintained living in a mixed house with all the sons wives, and daughters husbands plus kids?
Back home it may be possible coz u have larger houses but even so do you think it's healthy to live out of each other's pockets like that. Such close proximity? Seeing each other everyday would lead to meddling in each others private affairs and other problems. It's better that one child is chosen to take care of the parents and the rest move out..that's my view anyway.
We did that in our family, one son looked after the parents and the other two were complete and utter losers and idiots. In the end it was not manageable. The Grand father had the largest room in the house upstairs, the grandmother had the downstairs back room leaving 2 rooms for the 6 people.
Parents and two younger sons lived in one back room, and two older sons lived in the baby room. And that baby room was tight - room for just one cupboard and a single bed. And the two would take turns in sleeping on the bed and on the floor.
I think the responsibility has to be shared between all the kids. Perhaps the they live with one son for 10 years and then have a change over. Parents are the responsibilty of ALL the children not jsut the one that cudnt "get away".
Ya ALLAH Madad.
Haq Chaar Yaar
May Allah swt reward you in abundance for such compassion you’ve show towards you’re Nan in her old age. Ameen
Islam teaches one to have high respect for one's mother; the Prophet Muhammad once said that "paradise is at her feet."
I think it’s because we Muslim’s in the uk have become “integrated” into this society we have started to follow the traits of the Kufr, we don’t fear death and follow our materialistic desires- meaning that this generation of muslim may be far to busy working to support their lifestyle to care about what sacrifices our parents had to make and the struggles in our upbringing.
That is one reason why brother’s opt to marry back home in their respected countries because the general notion is woman their, are more likely to have respect for her in laws and look after them in their old age. Ameen
To say that of a British born muslim, where the concept of caring for elderly may be oblivious to her because she hasn’t been burden with looking after her own parents. A cultural gap!
Perhaps maybe, some Muslims are growing apart from their family (both in the UK and back home) because they have their own lives to life.
My parents use to send money back home to their relatives to help support them, how many young Pakistani and so on, support their relatives back home?
true it's all kids responsiblity but everyone needs stability especially in old age, i don't think it would be nice moving from one childs home to another every few years. Ppl get used to a certain environment then they're torn away from it, can't be very healthy?
But Brother med in your case other siblings remained in the house aswell right?? I meant all other siblings have to marry and move out, otherwise there would be utter chaos, especially for the sons' wife. I mean why should she take care of her in laws plus her husbands siblings, she's not obliged to. Most women will look after the in laws, even if they give them hassle, but asking that they take care of lots of other siblings is too much for anyone.
p.s shazan my father used to send money back home in abundance to his brother coz he was extremely poor. Anyways we suffered here coz my father used a lot of his kids own money for his brother. Consequently his dear dear poor brother swindled my fathers estate back home . So he's living it up on my fathers money, in my fathers mansion which was supposed to be a holiday home for us when we visit, and he never talks to my father. It's as if he's forgotten all family ties, even when my father was in hospital he never once called here. And this story repeats itself in most Bengali homes i know. I;m still in favour of charity for ones relatives, but there;s a limit you shouldn't let your own kids and wife suffer you need to remember their rights aswell. charity begins at home.
I cant believe how petty some people can be that when their parents reach old age they think of them as a burden. In muslim familys i dont think the old people home has been heard of much....but i've seen that some people have got to the extent of putting their parents in care homes..
I've seen a programme on old peoples home and it disgusted me on seeing old people crying for help and the supposedly carers just not bothering with them and giving them medication on time, due to that 2 of the elderly patients passed away...
islam abhors this treatment of parents and the aged and it is considered a disgrace and dishonour for the old and aged to be treated with such disrespect ...and i say it is a matter of shame for those Muslims who do hand over the responsibilities of elderly relatives or parents to the homes even if the home is willing to look after them.
Dishonesty is and swindling is like a plague in the Indian Subcontinent, I cant justify your dad brother action’s as being correct, but I understand that poverty stricken people who do anything to survive. Including biting the hand which feed’s them. I have similar stories to that of your's.
I’ve accepted my responsibilities to my parents and will care for them in their old age, Inshallah when that time comes. My eldest brother, owns a fairly large property where my middle brother (he’s a doctor) lives with him, and Shah Shar Ali (eldest bother a lecture) and his wife care’s for her mom, I’ve lost count on how many of my nephews and nieces all live there, all in perfect harmony
.
If my younger sister and I where unable to cope then my brother’s wife and her family wouldn’t hesitate in asking them to come and live with them.
I’m never going to depart from my father and mother and neither is my sister. Allah forbid
Yashmaki:
In the case Im on about everyone moved out leaving oldest son and family in the house.
I agree that stability is best. No1 said its the old people who should move, they should stay in the HQ and then forsay 10 years one son stays and looks after, then they move out and another son comes and lives for 10 years.
Shifts of 10 years I would say is a pretty stable period.
Ya ALLAH Madad.
Haq Chaar Yaar
maybe that's a good idea for some families.
It’s not easy. And I’m far from perfect.
Whilst I do everything my nan wants me to do…I do get annoyed at her. This is a shortcoming on my side.
This year, four marriages I know broke up. And these were people who only got married last summer….and it was all because of “in law” problems.
Our generation has very low levels of Sabr and tolerance for our elders. And because most of us weren’t brought up in an extending family system….its too much for some people to deal with.
And I hate generalising...but I agree with the notion that overall girls from back home are more likely to have respect for her in laws and look after them in their old age.
Of course, you get exceptions as well...
yay i'm an exception brownie points for me then?? lol
Yep. Many brownie points for you.
I have nothing but respect for people who can live with their in laws especially in this society.
I have my nan staying at my house for a few weeks and I KNOW its not easy living with an elderly person (she shrieks my name every 5mins :? ).
Of course, some elderly people are easier to cope with then others.
I pray that I become more tolerant and patient.
lol ...
atleast she talks, mine we hardly exchange a few words....well shes my dadi afterall
The thing about old people is that they're frustrating and very trying.
In cases of marriage as MS said... theres been plenty of cases where its the "in-laws" sticking their nose in thats caused most of the problem. But the problems paritially due to the effects of old age as MS said: they vertually act like kids e.g. stubborness seems to be a common trait among the old... then theres the "what hav i done?" speech :roll:
But these are times when patience must be practiced. I cant speak for any1 else but i could never be happy if i knew my parents where in some home where god knows how they're treated and how they may be feeling. As much frustrating as we may find them... its even worse when they're out of sight and you dont know whats going on with them on a day to day basis.
On the other hand the senile and the ones that require medical attention of some kind may require this.... altho i hope it does not lead to this.
Back in BLACK
My dadi used to call out for us aswell. Wen we were little used to try and sneak past her room but she ALWAYZ heard us and would start rattling off the names of me and my brothers. MashaALLAH good hearing.
Im alright with my dadi and my dada actually. When I was younger dadi used to tell loads of stories about her childhood, some were really scary and others really funny.
I think old people give a different slant on things; they see things from a different light. For example when my grandparents got married they literally had nothing. Now when they see us they always telling parents/auntys/uncles to get their kids married. Cos they view it from their own perspective that they got married when they had only a small sack of flour and daal - family was proper poor b4- and now we got loads of stuff.
Ya ALLAH Madad.
Haq Chaar Yaar
aww....i wish i had a grandma like that but what can one do ? shes a cold granny...the one back home is more sound...
i think coldness runs in my dads family....but what i can say is my dada was really wicked...used to get on with him well badly, used to tell us storys about when he was in the army...but hes passed away now..another thing i used to do him favours to get cash of him lol...
my grandad only stayed with us for a year after his youngest daughter-in-law threw him out...which caused family problems..after that he just went to pakistan. As for my granny she doesnt want to stay with us SO fine by us shes cold anyway...well she knows i suppose !
the british should look to us as an example of how to treat our elders, our older age with honour, unless the british who stick their parents and grand parents in homes then wait for them to die to steal their inheritance.
i worked at an old people homes breifly, man it was sad they were left abandoned by their familys many died due to sadness, also hospitals are full of abandoned old white people left to die, my neighbour is 80 years old she has been alone for 25 years, she recently suffered a stroke and all her relatives e.g. nephews , came out of the wood work to fight for her qauter of a million house of course , they left her alone again when she fully recovered.
Its imperative that we take responsibility and look after our elder relatives with dignity and respect.
My grandad had a stroke and it left him unable to walk, talk and movement was strictly restricted. My grandad stayed with my youngest uncle but evrybody done more than their fair share to help out
My mum and my two aunties would go every morning and night to help feed and change my grandad, my dad and my uncles would do everything else....but too us it was never that we were doing a favour on someone or it was a burden, its just the way we are as a family...its our duty to look after those who had once looked after us
my mum and aunties looked after my grandad for over ten years until he passed away two years ago but they would never have dreamed of moving him into an old folks home!
When my dad was in hospital he had so many visitors MASHALLAH, on eid day there were so many people waiting to see my dad, some were standing near the lifts, others in the waiting area, some were downstairs at the enterance, these were family and freinds who took time out of their day to visit a sick person but the SAD fact was that there were many elderly white people there who too were severyly ill who had no visitors! none what so ever yet they would fondly talk about their children and grandchildren!
BUt times do change and who knows in many years to come we may find ourselves in old folks homes, or we may lie in hospital looking at another patient who is bombarded with visitors yet wondering what our children and grandchildren will be doing who quite frankly may not be bothered at all!
Isnt it true that some old people are easier to look after then others?
I've worked with old people in hospitals...some were absolute darlings and a pleasure to look after.
And with some...I often had an urge to switch their "buzzer" off. :oops:
lol.....reminds me when i went to visit my dad in hospital recently...i was just walking around and went past this ward in which one old lady kept pressing her buzzer...
whenever someone went to her attention she kept screaming,'get me out of here,u all want to kill me help help help'...
at first i felt really sorry for her...but then she got really annoying, even the carers stopped giving her attention.
I had my gran stayin with us too, I love it when she comes over, she talks a lot and keeps the house lively.
She's soo funny she gets up at 2am and reads and reads, when it comes to fajar time she hits me on the arm and says "get up, make satan run away, get up for you fajar". She's a joy to have around.
One thing old people do is they forget a lot of things and they keep sayin the same thing over and over again. Most stories i have heard like 100 times and if you wana annoy sum1 ie sis, i just say granny what was that story bout the jinn that visited you and then she's on a roll....
I cant pleat her hair properly so mum does it which means i get away with it but if she needs somethin in the night and wakes me up for it I dont mind getin up and getin it.
My gran is a total sweetheart love her to bits!
lol..
my grandmas like that in pakistan...sometimes her conversations just wont make sense...she'll repeat a sentence dozons of times and wont realise...once i burst out laffing because i couldnt help it and my mum embarressed me by shouting at me..
she said i dont know how to respect my elders charming !
its so good to see so warm grandmas, i still cant believe my dadis so cold.
Lol-Man do old people talk so much.
I have a killer headacher after I sit with my nan...
Translating for my nan is stressful too….cos I can’t speak Urdu properly so I can’t clearly tell her what the person is trying to say…I often end up telling mum to do it.
On top of that I can’t stand being her spokesperson and speaking English on her behalf to others….she swears too much :?
Lol old people are funny, my gran swears but when you say "haw granny thats bad" she denies it, sayin no its not a swear....
One thing is good bout her is she talks a lot bout Islam, her favourite topic is Miraj Sharif but sometimes she forgets stuff and adds bits on :? when we try correcting her she doesnt have it and says she knws better!
My nan hates me
she ALWAYS calls my name when she wants me to do sumin-
and she SHRIEKS my name
and she's always yelling at me cos mum does so much houswork
yesterday she goes to me "ur poor mum gets up at 5am every morning"
do I tell mum to get up so early? :roll:
and she makes me wait on my sister
"oh she's just come back frm work-u do the washing up" "oh she's has to go Uni 2moro-u make her tea"
AS IF :evil:
old people have their ways.....a lil patience thats all
The Lover is ever drunk with love;
He is free, he is mad,
He dances with ecstasy and delight.
Caught by our own thoughts,
We worry about every little thing,
But once we get drunk on that love,
Whatever will be, will be.
ɐɥɐɥ
Tut Tut, a lil housework comes your way, and you throw an online strop,
[yoda] Patience youngling. [/yoda]
[Med] Online strops are Biddah [/Med]
_____________- -SupeRazor- -_______________
Some ppl make their goals the stars.
They may live n die n never reach the stars,
but in the darkness of the night, those stars will guide them to their destination.
Becuz they made them in their eyesight
lol
The Lover is ever drunk with love;
He is free, he is mad,
He dances with ecstasy and delight.
Caught by our own thoughts,
We worry about every little thing,
But once we get drunk on that love,
Whatever will be, will be.
ɐɥɐɥ
I see why now, divorce rates amongst muslim is ever increasing :!:
??
because women are refusing todo the housework?
is that a reason to shout divorce?