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arranged marriages arent as bad as they are often made out to be - my brother's marriage would probably count as 'arranged' yet he and my sister-in-law are perfectly happy together.
depends HOW it is 'arranged' i guess.
lol. she felt like it was a meat market coz suitor after suitor was coming to her house to meet her, she found it superficial. summat along those lines - just search for the thread.
[size=9]I NEVER WORE IT BECAUSE OF THE TALIBAN, MOTHER. I LIKE THE [b]MODESTY[/b] AND [b]PROTECTION[/b] IT AFFORDS ME FROM THE EYES OF MEN.[/size] [url=http://www.adherents.com/lit/comics/Dust.html]Dust, X-Men[/url]
I could see how she might feel slightly produce-like after that...
Do you want an arranged marriage?
Think you'll have one?
as opposed to a love marriage (which involves dating)? yeh ofcourse.
these definitions we've given are really rigid, hence all the misconceptions... in my family, its not so much the marriage itself that's 'arranged' but just the preliminary process leading upto marriage. i.e. our parents 'suggest' someone for marriage and if we're interested they'll take it forward, speak to the person's parents and arrange a meeting. if, after however many meetings, the guy and the girl like eachother, then they go ahead with the marriage. if they dont get along, then thats the end of that, and the 'preliminary process' starts afresh...
[size=9]I NEVER WORE IT BECAUSE OF THE TALIBAN, MOTHER. I LIKE THE [b]MODESTY[/b] AND [b]PROTECTION[/b] IT AFFORDS ME FROM THE EYES OF MEN.[/size] [url=http://www.adherents.com/lit/comics/Dust.html]Dust, X-Men[/url]
lol... but that's just dating by a different name. You're spending time with each other to find out if you click.
Dating doesn't have to mean movie-dinner-drinking-kissing-sex.
That's pretty much just in the movies.
But I mean as opposed to somebody chosen of your own impetus. Say a guy you met at school, since it's inevitable you will meet people of the opposite gender. You talk to your parents, and work out some way to meet each other just like in the arranged scenario.
true, but its still not 'dating'. there are Islamic guidelines to follow.
ah ok, i see wot u mean. and yes this is Islamically acceptable too, as long as the guy and girl go through their parents, and dont start 'dating' without anyone knowing, its still Islamically acceptable. quite a few of my mates got married to guys from uni.
[size=9]I NEVER WORE IT BECAUSE OF THE TALIBAN, MOTHER. I LIKE THE [b]MODESTY[/b] AND [b]PROTECTION[/b] IT AFFORDS ME FROM THE EYES OF MEN.[/size] [url=http://www.adherents.com/lit/comics/Dust.html]Dust, X-Men[/url]
lol how is it not? The term only came about because people set aside a time to spend with each other and learn if they are suitable.
Right... so would you prefer that to something arranged or are you indifferent?
Also isn't your situation a little different from Ramz? It's not like she went to her parents and casually asked for them to look into it for her. They decided the time and place she should start looking to be married.
And in the case of many girls they are informed of their arranged marriage and are given the opportunity to talk to the person, but through what seems to be an elaborate system of emotional blackmail and personal confusion, a girls "no" isn't really much of a consideration.
It kinda sounds like you have the best of this scenario.
Ramz situation is extreme
she dont like the guys her parents are making her marry and they putting pressure on her
this is against islam
So if the pressure being put upon her by her parents is curtailing her Islamic right to consent, does that mean she may disobey her parents (who are not acting islamically at worst, or putting her in a non-islamic situation at best)
Does honoring your father and mother extend to activities that they are encroaching on her rights as a muslimah?
yes.
there is no marraige without consent
that mean that each time she is with her husband the sin will be on parents head
there is no sin on her if she disobeys her parents in this matter
they cant force her
[size=9]I NEVER WORE IT BECAUSE OF THE TALIBAN, MOTHER. I LIKE THE [b]MODESTY[/b] AND [b]PROTECTION[/b] IT AFFORDS ME FROM THE EYES OF MEN.[/size] [url=http://www.adherents.com/lit/comics/Dust.html]Dust, X-Men[/url]
So really the most islamic scenario for all parties involved here would be to truthfully reject the man that her parents suggested - suggest this other boy she met for their consent to meet and get to know each other in a halal way (like they would with one they themselves chose) and get married (or alternately they would reject him and she would have to accept that).
The veto power is 2 way?
Yes
But her man is a loser-I think he was cheating on her and she dumped him
or sumin like that :?
Dave they already rejected him. (for the wrong reasons, but still)
and they'd been dating for two years - how much more time can they ask for to 'get to know eachother'?
[size=9]I NEVER WORE IT BECAUSE OF THE TALIBAN, MOTHER. I LIKE THE [b]MODESTY[/b] AND [b]PROTECTION[/b] IT AFFORDS ME FROM THE EYES OF MEN.[/size] [url=http://www.adherents.com/lit/comics/Dust.html]Dust, X-Men[/url]
yeh, its good her parents rejected him (even tho they did it for the wrong reason)... coz he was still in touch with his ex-girlfriends and crap like that.
[size=9]I NEVER WORE IT BECAUSE OF THE TALIBAN, MOTHER. I LIKE THE [b]MODESTY[/b] AND [b]PROTECTION[/b] IT AFFORDS ME FROM THE EYES OF MEN.[/size] [url=http://www.adherents.com/lit/comics/Dust.html]Dust, X-Men[/url]
I'd spend about two years before I said yes
I need to know what I'm getting myself into
I spent about 7 years...
I mean in a perfect scenario, say the guy is just some normal muslim guy that she likes - nothing objectionable about him, but her parents have her set up with somebody else.
Is it more islamic to reject their candidate and offer your own for consideration by your parents, or just accept their candidate and pretend to be on board?
yeh but dave - this is wot i mean about how 'dating' defers from islamic 'meetings' - these meetings literally happen wen ur ready to get married. how old were u when u started dating Annette - 14?
her parents shouldnt have her 'set up' with someone in the first place - the decision is hers to make. she shouldnt 'pretend to be on board' - she should tell them about the person she's interested in, and if after some discussion they are still not considering him, then the girl should go ahead and meet their 'candidate' (with an open mind).
[size=9]I NEVER WORE IT BECAUSE OF THE TALIBAN, MOTHER. I LIKE THE [b]MODESTY[/b] AND [b]PROTECTION[/b] IT AFFORDS ME FROM THE EYES OF MEN.[/size] [url=http://www.adherents.com/lit/comics/Dust.html]Dust, X-Men[/url]
lol true.
It's kinda hard to say... officially not until high school but there was sort of a nebulous area where we were uncomfortably comfortable going all the way back to when we were kids.
I've had a bit of a spotted history with her though... I really loved her as a kid and then went through some difficult stuff in middleschool and into high school and was basically a cheating manipulative and abusive jerk, but she put up with me and eventually turned me around. So i've always sort have felt connected to her - and resented it greatly - even when I was "with" other girls.
Gotcha - well it seems to me that's the best route (and the islamic?) if you take that model and apply it to Ramz situation though I think we can all agree her parents would reject this boy since he doesn't appear to have many saving graces... I'm a little concerned for you Ramz, you're stuck between a rock and a hard place and I gotta say from his description the guy sounds like a bit of a pig.
in two years the guy could've changed. :?
the whole point of getting one's parents involved in the process is because u expect them to do their 'research' before suggesting the guy - they know what his family background and upbringing is/was like... so ud expect for the guy to be on a level with u, not some random tyrant. the meetings are just to ensure physical attraction and so u can find out his opinions on matters important to yourself.
[size=9]I NEVER WORE IT BECAUSE OF THE TALIBAN, MOTHER. I LIKE THE [b]MODESTY[/b] AND [b]PROTECTION[/b] IT AFFORDS ME FROM THE EYES OF MEN.[/size] [url=http://www.adherents.com/lit/comics/Dust.html]Dust, X-Men[/url]
I agree with that...however, parents can not see a guy through your eyes..if you know what I mean. :?
I too now think that this getting to know one another period should be between 1-2 years...with full family involvement.
lol. actually i dont reallly get wot u mean - surely if u tell ur mom wot kind of a guy u wanna marry, she would find someone who fits ur description, as opposed to the complete opposite, right...?
if ur parents have ensured that the guy got a good tarbiyyah because they know his family from before, or have found out (through 'connections' ;)) wot kind of family he's from, then what will 1 or 2 years do...? i mean what will you ask him after 2 years that u couldnt ask in the first few months? :?:
[size=9]I NEVER WORE IT BECAUSE OF THE TALIBAN, MOTHER. I LIKE THE [b]MODESTY[/b] AND [b]PROTECTION[/b] IT AFFORDS ME FROM THE EYES OF MEN.[/size] [url=http://www.adherents.com/lit/comics/Dust.html]Dust, X-Men[/url]
If she doesnt want to marry him then she has the islamic right to say no and disobey her parents.
Ya ALLAH Madad.
Haq Chaar Yaar
My parents know me pretty well...but they don't know me better then I know myself.
Maybe two years is too much...but two months is not enough time to know what someone is like.
I'm speaking from past experience of people I know who's marriage went down the drain...I feel that they didnt fully know what they were getting themselves into.
Three meetings.
In three meetings you can tell what someone is like
and if they're for real.
three
Back in BLACK
ofcourse. which is y altho u expect them to suggest a guy who's on a level with u, U have the final decision, to see whether u really are compatible with the guy.
IMO a lot of it is to do with having trust in Allah. we may spend years getting to know a person, but that still does not mean we know every single thing about them and can be 100% sure of a successful marriage. this is why we need istikhara - it should lead us to make the right decision.
every couple goes into marriage with some doubts. how they act AFTER marriage is what determines whether or not it'll work.
[size=9]I NEVER WORE IT BECAUSE OF THE TALIBAN, MOTHER. I LIKE THE [b]MODESTY[/b] AND [b]PROTECTION[/b] IT AFFORDS ME FROM THE EYES OF MEN.[/size] [url=http://www.adherents.com/lit/comics/Dust.html]Dust, X-Men[/url]
What questions would you ask in those three meetings to find out if they were for real?
i decided within 2 days that i wanted to marry the man whos's my husband now. But i had enough info about him prior to meeting him with my parents.
He decided about me on the first day. Some ppl may think that's crazy but I think everyone has an inkling if someone is right fo them as soon as they meet them. First impressions count a lot. We met three times in total.
But we never married til a year or two later coz other siblings were in the process of getting married. But we had no communication for those 2 years. So i had plenty of time to change my mind, and he his. But the man chose correctly he married me lol..poor brother
My parents would never allow me to get married to someone within only few days of knowing them.
I agree that ones instincts play a strong part...
But Aasiyah your right that even two years or two days don't determine if someone right for you...one can never ever be 101% sure.
I supose thats where one's faith in Allah (swt) should take over.
Its always good to know Allah (swt) is lookin out for you and He does what He thinks is best.
Lol-Why are you asking...
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