Answer by Shaykh Salim Ghiza:
In the name of Allah the most Beneficent and Merciful.
Pre-marital relationships (boy/girlfriends) are strictly Haram (forbidden) in Islam. For non permissible males to have a relationship with non permissible females is one of the major sins in today’s era.
Unfortunately we see this western influence spreading like an illness amongst the Muslim youth. As barriers of work and study have been relaxed by parents, as they would like to see their children prosper, it has brought its evils with it.
Whilst working or studying is commended and supported by Islam, the values of guarding one’s modesty and chastity are even more important.
Answer by Shaykh Salim Ghiza:
In the name of Allah the most Beneficent and Merciful.
Pre-marital relationships (boy/girlfriends) are strictly Haram (forbidden) in Islam. For non permissible males to have a relationship with non permissible females is one of the major sins in today’s era.
Unfortunately we see this western influence spreading like an illness amongst the Muslim youth. As barriers of work and study have been relaxed by parents, as they would like to see their children prosper, it has brought its evils with it.
Whilst working or studying is commended and supported by Islam, the values of guarding one’s modesty and chastity are even more important.
All men and women have a responsibility under the Shariah that they do not attract the other sex for whom it is unlawful to do so. The measures taken are clear and that all men and women must wear clothing, which are modest and loose.
It is as much haram for a man to wear tight clothing, which would expose the shape of his bodily contours, which are haram for him to show as it is for a woman.
The hijab is the head covering and the reason why this is emphasised for a woman is because her hair and head are also recognised as Awrah (parts which she must cover). As for the man the best way he can protect his modesty is to lower his gaze (as well as cover his body which would cause a sexual attraction).
Looking at the Opposite Sex
Allah says in the Holy Quran regarding lowering the gaze:
"Tell believers to lower their gaze, and tell the believing women to lower their gaze." (24:30,31)
Imam Al Quduri the great Hanafi Jurist states "It is not permissible for a man to look at a woman who is not his wife or un-marriageable relative except for her face and hands (because of the necessity of her need to deal with men in taking and giving and the like). If a man is not safe from lust, he may not look at her face except for when it is demanded by necessity. (Quduri)
The above tells us the strict ruling of looking at a woman never mind having a relationship with her.
The Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) has said that the eye that looks at a woman (non Mahram) or vice versa with intent of lust or a relationship is the eye that commits fornication (zina). In a lengthy Hadith he says
"The fornication of the two eyes is an evil glance. The fornication of the two ears is the obscene talk. The fornication of the tongue and hand is the touch and grasp. And the fornication of the two feet is the steps taken towards evil. The heart desires and longs and the private parts abide with or does contrary to it". (Mishkat ul Masabih, Abu Dawood)
Teenage Pregnancies
Teenage relationships start off as friendship and eventually can lead to fornication. This is why the Prophet of Allah said "When two people (illegally) are together alone then the third is shaitaan" (Bukhari).
We see in today’s day and age the consequences of such actions. Great Britain has the highest amount of teenage pregnancies in the whole of Europe. In 2002, 37,232 girls under the age of 16 became pregnant, this figure has risen every year since.
In 2003 the figure was 40828 and in 2004 the figure has reached a record level of 42400. Allah wants to protect the young male and female from such actions.
In fact the Prophet of Allah has said
"one of the seven people who will be under the protection of the shade of the throne of Allah on the day of judgment when there will be no shade will be the young man (or woman) who was approached by a respectable beautiful woman but he replied `I fear Allah`." (Bukhari)
What's So Bad About It?
Young Girls and boys must realise that fornication (sex outside marriage) is one of the worst sins for a Muslim. The Prophet of Allah has said "The greatest sin after polytheism (shirk) is the man who commits fornication with a woman who is not his legal wife" (Ibn Kathir, Mishkat).
In fact it is so serious that the greatest of gifts, which is Imaan (faith), is removed from the fornicator until the evil act is finished. The Prophet of Allah said "Faith comes out of a person whilst he commits fornication" (Mishkat).
It has also been stated in another hadith related by Imam Tirmidhi, Abu Dawood and Baihaqi that the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said “When a servant in Allah engages in fornication, his faith leaves him, for it is like a piece of cloth covering his head (and is removed), and when he finishes his sin, his faith returns”.
Another point to take in to account is when young men and women look for a suitable partner, even if they were themselves involved in such acts, they will want a partner who was pious and had protected their chastity, hence, modesty and Haya (Shamefulness) is a part of Imaan as advised to us by our beloved Prophet. (Bukhari)
Mahram or non-Mahram?
Islam categorises and defines the relations from the opposite sex who are not allowed to be a marital partner and therefore are known as Mahram. All other types of relations or people are regarded as non Mahram hence marriage is allowable with them and therefore individual contact is not permissible unless it is open and necessary or the person is beyond marriageable age.
Mahram - people who you are not allowed to marry
(Extracted from Reliance of the Traveler) It is unlawful for one to marry one’s ancestors, descendents, parent’s descendents, or the first generation of one’s grandparent’s offspring, meaning one’s paternal or maternal aunts or uncles. One’s un-marriageable kin (mahram) are those one is forbidden to marry forever.
For a man:
- Mother
- Grandmothers (paternal or maternal) and on up
- Daughters
- Daughters of his children, children’s children and on down.
- Sisters
- Daughters of brothers or sisters, their children’s daughters, and on down
- Mother’s sisters, grandmothers sisters and on up
- Father’s sisters and father’s fathers sisters and on up
- Wife’s mother, Wife’s grandmother
- The wives of his father, father’s father and on up
- The wives of his children, children’s children and on down.
All the mentioned relatives are unlawful to be married. However, the first lot are due to blood relationships and hence it would be incest.
The last four are unlawful due to the fact of his marriage, i.e., wife’s mother (she was lawful but became unlawful when he married his wife) and this is what this means and will now remain unlawful for him even if he was to divorce his wife. The same applies with the other three.
Also, all of his wet nurse mother’s kin made un-marriageable to him due to being breast fed by his milk mother.
It is also unlawful for a man to marry both of these together (whilst being married to the other):
- A woman and her sister
- A woman and her father’s sister
- A woman and her mother’s sister
- He may marry the other if he was to divorce (or by death) the first partner.
For a woman:
- Father, grandfather and on up
- Son, son’s son, daughter’s son and on down
- Brother
- Father’s brother, meaning the brother of any male ancestor
- Mother’s brother, meaning the brother of any female ancestor
- Brother’s son, sister’s son, or any other descendant of brothers or sisters
- The husband of her mother, grandmother and on up
- The husband of her daughter or other female descendant
- Her husband’s father, grandfather and on up, and the husband’s son and descendant’s
Also, all of her wet nurse mother’s kin made un-marriageable to him her to being breast fed by her milk mother.
To conclude: Mixing freely with the opposite sex (non-mahram) without necessity is not allowed in Islam. Having a boy/girlfriend is totally haram. We need to understand what relationships are allowed and what are not.
We ask Allah to protect us and help us guard our Chastity.
Have any questions? Send them into editor@therevival.co.uk
Comments
Hi people don't you believe that all this is too far-fetched? Please don't get me wrong, I am non Muslim, still I totally respect all religions. I understand the no-sex before marriage concept.. but how,HOW can you marry someone if you are not allowed to spend time together alone as you are supposed to do for the rest of your life once married? without kissing him/her and know how his/her lips taste like? HOW can that be a sin? It is the most wonderful thing in life.. Please consider that times have changed and it is now right to marry the one you truly love and not some 'stranger'' that you will get to -really - know after marriage. As for me, I'm in love with a boy who believes in Islam, very dedicated to his religion and one of the sweetest people I've ever met..w
Please do not be strong minded and blindly follow rules that have been written many many many years ago when the times were completely different. I am not saying not to follow them, I am just saying that it is not always black and white.. khodi balek
Don't you think that is a bit of a contradiction in terms there - where he is compromising his faith yet "very dedicated".
That is easy to say when they are not your rules. But lets say you get married and have children. How will you bring up the kids? following your "its not important" ways or his "I am very dedicated to religion" ways?
Emotions can blind people from the truth and the truth is that there are serious compromises needed for cross religious relations where either one or both have to compromise their beliefs.
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
To answer your first question abot far fetched and to avoid any further discussion the simple answer is no
As a non-muslim you are entitled to your beliefs, be they religious, personal or taken from a fashion magazine. We also respect everyone beliefs and religions.
You know what else is the most wonderful thing in the world? Chocolate. But eat too much and it become blah! and you get diabetes. Same principle here. Too much lip action and soon after it becomes meaningless and ull want to move onto "other things" (wink, wink, you know what im talking abot). And that can lead to all sorts of other things... so lets not go there.
And what do you mean, wat lips taste like? They dont come in flavours! Its not ice-cream you know.
So we believe in prevention is better than cure. See how that works? Times may have changed but aslong as men and womens biology (and by that i mean nature) doesnt change. The rules make sense and are there for your own protection.
We have nothing against marrying someone you love. We just dont believe in try before you buy. So please do not try and corrupt our youth. Other than that... do not hesistate to come again
w/s
Back in BLACK
@ Seraphim - to be fair, the people cannot be corrupted unless they want to be and allow it. So its not about telling Non Muslims "don't corrupt us" but about telling Muslims "Don't corrupt yourself".
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
Quite YOU! lol
Back in BLACK
lol
well.. first of all, he hasnt even kissed me, we just spend time together, thats all so yeah he is dedicated. Seraphim I know that they dont come in flavors lol it was a kinda romantic thing to say, tell me you know what i mean.
About raising kids an stuff, its a question that ive really wondered about... I guess I would want to show my kids both ways when they are in an age that they understand and let them decide what they want to follow, I d not force anything about religion though although i would make sure that they become aware of all it.
Anyway my point is that I don't think that you can truly love someone you dont spend time with, not knowing his personality BY EXPERIENCE and not by what your family or his family or his friends etc say about him,therefore you have to do stuff alone with that person and by that I dont mean sexual intercourse but activities, spend time together and get to know each other.
PS, your picture is badass Seraphim..cheers
become aware of it* lol sorry
What about cyber relationships?
Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?
Can't argue against that.
But that does not have to be before marriage. The love can grow after marriage too.
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
That's why you get to talk to the person first, ask all the right questions and if the person opposite you have the same beliefs and values then you should be able to get along, if you have stuff in common you should be able to get along, first you become friends then more than friends, all during marriage, safely
Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?
they can turn into real relationships, so the same precautions must be taken
"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi
yep they can
so what about the ... tribune?
Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?
its just like any other chat. i remember when i was pretty new to the forums an older member made a big deal about how its wrong to use the chat and everything :/
but tbh i think its a great way of getting direct answers quickly and easily and also getting into full on debates - its better than having to click in and out of forum pages!
i suppose theres nothing haraam about tribune itself, just the way you personally use it; it *can* potentially become dodgy.
anyway i think people would be more careful on it then something like MSN as tribune is a public chat.
"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi
Tribune is... Tribune.
We are still required to uphold the Islamic requirements on modesty, decency etc on there just like we are everywhere else. It is not in a vacuum to the rest of the world. Same rules apply.
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
But like MSN ,the tribute become a meeting place, you get to know to the people there.
btw, somehow i REALLY love the way you've written this, it just sounds so awesome, mashallah.. (..must be the lack of sleep guetting to me..)
Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?
yes, thats why u gotta take the normal precautions, just like anywhere else
lol, who wrote what?
"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi
That in itself is not an issue - the issues are what happens, and also trying to avoid as best as possible from being with a non mahram in private as that can also lead to things that are less wholesome (as the hadith says, the third person is the devil).
Previous discussion about the Tribune.
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
Anon: Islam is all about modesty. And protecting ones virtue. Therefore such intimacy is reserved for those within marriage. So im glad he has not crossed that line. I think the best way to describe it is as the Diva Beyonce once said: If you like it then you better put a ring on it lol.
Do you even know if he returns the interest?
You have to really consider what your possible future would be like. Bcoz its going to be a clash of cultures here. Its not a decision you should make in haste without knowing all the facts.
Although you've not said i choose to interpretate your posts on here as interest into trying to understand him and his beliefs rather than wanting to change him. Coz if u like someone u dont try and change them into something they're not but accept them for what they are.
And i agree with you, you cant truly love someone you havent spent time with. But whats love got to do with it? It should be about trust. You can always marry someone and fall in love with them afters. Happens all the time. Infact thats how people have been doing it for centurys. This love marriage business has only been around for the last century or so.
Which prompts the question; how do you decide? Well you ask good questions. See if you're compatible on an intellectual level. See if you can stand to be around one another for more than 10minutes. If you have similar beliefs, values etc. Friendship->trust->affection->And then some mushy stuff.
And i resent any accusation that i know anything about romance ¬_¬.... (wat? STOP LAUGHING!!!).
Back in BLACK
Just to add you do not have to alienate yourself from the world and it is possible to know people with the intention of marriage without doing the haraam stuff - but it is hard.
Secondly, have you talked to him about kids - you can live with them "having an option" with either lifestyle, but can he? I would assume that is a no-no for him where he would want them to be brought up strictly Islamic. I could be wrong though.
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
hey Seraphim..to answer your question...yeah i do know lol.
To my knowledge, marriage is a ceremony to ''acknowledge'' your relationship and take God's bless whatsoever.
''Infact thats how people have been doing it for centuries.'' Yeah thats why i said times have changed. And noooo nooo i wouldnt try and change ANYTHING, anything at all hes just perfect the way he is lol, and yeah I'm trying to understand, plus I like learning about religions an' everything.
Anyway, I don't think that this conversation is going somewhere as each one of us has his/her own beliefs and principles that are not going to change (:
Oh btw about the chocolate thing that youve said... yeah chocolate is one of the most wonderful things of the world and I would n e v e r ever get bored of it although i eat ridiculous amounts every day seraphim lol
-and about the kids..... lol its way too early to think of such things
Thee, Power of Silence, wrote
Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?
All do respect, but this article doesnt answer the question. Why cant boys and girls just purely be friends.
It cant be said that they will definately end up together.
How can we Muslims be expected to prosper in life when we are being told we cant have friends of the opposite sexs. Its the 21st century we are mxied with the opposite gender from birth. Not only that, but the Shariah Law states that when a woman is raped, she must have 3 male witnesses, my Hafiz told me that that is sai dthere because when the Law was written we didnt have technology like we do now to identify who raped who.
So surely if the Shariah Law needs updating, doesnt some of these beliefs.
What it all sums up to is that we are not trusted to have friends of the opposite sex. People can control emotions.
not all can control their emotions. So Islam takes the safe way and tells us to stay apart.
the Shariah Law is based on GOd's words. God is beyond time. so how can the laws need "updating"
its hard to stay "just friend" because you might consider yourself friends but what about the other person? and then, i think its harder to find a life partner when you've got friend from the opposite gender. because you end up comparing or regretting and it just causes YOU to be confused.
and there's half the population of the world to be friend with. Not being friends with members of the opposite gender is just a small sacrifice to get Jannat in the hereafter and the grace and benediction of God in this life.
Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?
Well for those who can control their emotions its not really fair, is it?
So your telling me you still agree with the fact that if a woman wants to prosecute for rape, she must have 3 male witnesses inorder to prosecute? Thats ridiculous.
If the other friend likes you you dont have to like them back, and if you dont like them back that then allows the friendship to not take a step further and turn into a relationship.
Obviously, if you are comparing your life partner to your friend of the opposite sexs, you are feeling something for them.
I have had many male friends, infact my best friend is a male, we have been friends since the age of 5 and we are now 16. I do not feel anything for him, he has been here for through family deaths and all, and no feelings. I see him as a very good friend. And he has a girlfriend. SO we are 'just friends'.
Even so half the population may be the same sexs as me, but what are you meant to do when you work with the opposite sexs?
And another thing is that in Muslim communities today, its alright for a guy to be friends with girls, but when its Vice Versa..God no!! Thats Haram, drastic measures are taken. Arent men and women meant to be equal.
The question was about relationships and not friendships, so it could not really answer the question not asked.
it would depend on what you mean by friendship and what that entails. If the Islamic ettiquette is met, you are not alone together etc and there is the required modesty... that is the basic requirement.
and there is nothing wrong if they do. As long as the means followed are halaal.
There does not need to be three witnesses for rape. We have evidence from hadith and the examples of the sahabahs where rape was punished for on the testimony of on woman.
This hafiz does not know his texts fully - not his fault as a hafiz is not always a scholar, and even scholars can be wrong - but that does not make him an authority or a judge.
You should try to see if you can get some lessons on Islam from a proper scholar to amke sure that any of the information provided to you is not wrong.
No, the shariah does not need updating. Some peoples understanding of it may be flawed, but the qur'an and sunnah is not something that needs to be edited in order to allow us to give into our whims and desires.
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
People pretend that they are in control and sometimes they really are.
What is required is modesty. This cannot be compromised. Well, it can, but that is not allowed (the question was about relationships/dating, not about friendship in general).
If you take your argument further - lets take alcohol. Some people can - I hear - hold down their drink atleast to a certain limit.
So why is it always banned for all people (barring medical necessity)?
Rules etc are for all and not just for some, otherwise that will make a social club instead of something real.
She doesn't need three. There is ample precedence from the sunnah where the testimony of one woman was enough to convict someone with rape.
But what does this have with the topic at hand?
I think you're getting emotional into linking many topics into one here.
As long as you keep to the required level of modesty... and even if feelings develop you could get married. There is nothing wrong with developing feelings. How they are acted on though can be haraam.
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
Spot on Seraph; just a couple more things to add. In Islam you can and are RECOMMENDED to get to know someone deeply before you marry them, you talk to them, talk to people that know them (more objective and rational than trial and error). Also you should find the guy/girl attractive and there should be chemistry, that's what the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said 1400 years ago.
Anon, mate, we welcome your interest and we welcome you and your queries.
“Before death takes away what you are given, give away whatever there is to give.”
Mawlana Jalal ud Din Rumi
To You: By friendship I mean you are friends, nothing more, you hang out, go to places together but with other friends too. Is that considered halal or haram?? Is it that you can only do this with Muslims of the opposite sex?? Because Im being given the impression from many Muslims that it is Haram to just be friends.
What exactly is the required level of ‘modesty’ when with friends of opposite gender? Is it haram to walk beside a guy friend? Because again, many Muslims are giving this impression.
You should be nice and friendly towards everyone. On the day of Judgement Allah (swt) will ask you to how many people were you a friend to (not how many friends did YOU have). So long as you don't spend too much time completely alone together, then things should be fine.
“Before death takes away what you are given, give away whatever there is to give.”
Mawlana Jalal ud Din Rumi
Am also questioning you, what is there for women that they have to hide in the first place?
You got to know that ponder about this.
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