My life story... Ish

Well i did warn you...

Alright, it's not actually my life story, more like a vent my feelings, get your advice kinda thing...
If , at any point, you get too bored to carry on- by all means leave

This is my time to whinge, not yours XD

Well basically, my big problem right now, that seems to be eating up my whole life is this.
The fact that i feel i have two identities
The way i feel that i'm only HALF a Muslim
and i know that probably makes no sense
but you see, the thing is right- that i feel like there are two separate Mes- two halves of the same person- if that makes sense...

I don't know if you read my other blogs about Eid and Hugging, but i guess in a way it's kinda similar...

I mean, there's the Ash half of me
the extrovert part of me with the Black and purple hair
Designer clothes, permanent smile and brimming with confidence

Then there's the part of me that only seems to exist internally, the part of me that at night regrets things i did, and feels bad about being ashamed and i don't know how many times i've promised myself that right, TOMORROW- i'll start, even if it's only baby steps

but then i never do and my reasoning that works with myself when i'm "out" doesn't work

The clutching-at-straws reasons
like I'm only young, i'll still have time
it's not my fault, it's my parents for bringing me up undisciplined

those reasons seem pathetic NOW but not at the time
In fact at the time, the fact that i'm "a muslim" doesn't even Occur to me

I don't know tbh, if i even deserve the title
i mean, isn't a Muslim someone who does all the things it's compulsory for a muslim TO DO ?

I believe in God, yes but it's not ENOUGH is it
It's strange, but i've never even CONSIDERED the fact that if i AM a Muslim, i'm a bad one- i guess because i've always been around people that are worse i just thought i was borderline OK but the fact that other people are BAD doesn't mean I'm Good.
Does that make sense?

Congratulations if you made it this far
you have my undying love

But i have a little more to say
*deep breath*
So yeahh well basically i mean i wish i could just take that big leap and make a first move
but i can't even CONSIDER just walking into college with a hijab on because to me it sounds absurd but i think, for me to ever advance spiritually, i'd have to do that
because it would mean that i wasn't ashamed

I mean i'm NOT ashamed, but it's easy to say that NOW
And if someone asked me i'd answer but if i think of it like
If someone approached me and asked me about myself, i wouldn't.... i DON'T mention that i'm a Muslim

i guess it's because of the way people stereotype Muslims and i wouldn't want them to prejudge me...partly, i suppose

i mean, i wouldn't deny it if i was asked
but i wouldn't willingly say it without being prompted

I'm sorry if this blog makes you think badly of me
but it's something i feel i have to say

I don't believe for a second you've read this all from start to finish, but thank you anyway XD

Any thoughts/comments/opinions/advice?

Because that would be great if you're offering

Please and thank you