God allows and orders disobedience to parents if they ask you to do something haram, in other cases it all depends on the merits of the individual case. We can't give a generalised answer for that.

Its generally discouraged. As parents know best due to their life experience.

HOWEVER they are not infallible. They are after all human and will make mistakes. So I believe under certain circumstances where they may make mistakes its okay to disobey.

But even still there's a way to do it.

Courage wrote:

But even still there's a way to do it.

Ofcourse. Politeness can not be over-stated in such a circumstance.

there is no obedience to creation when it means disobedience to the creator.

As long as anything they say doesnt go against Islam then u hav to obey.
If on the other hand wat they say DOES go against Islam then i dont think u shud. :doubt:

Omrow wrote:

You dont want to throw that away over a girl, or a boy, who may be showing you flowery dreams.

Would you?

Some boys and girls seem to be doing exactly that.

Ditto. Its those marriages that dont work out for the simple reason that they dont have their parents blessing.

That depends on the individual cases, however family support is generally of some help.

I want to talk about obeying your parents.

There is a difference between merely obeying your parents and actually doing Birr (goodness) towards them. That is the next level. Sometimes the two intertwine with each other, and it also depends on what each individual person is able to comfortably and naturally sustain, maintain and succeed in acomplishing. Obviously, we love our parents and wish to obey them and be willing to do things for them:

Some children will be happy to 'yes' to that cousin of theirs who lives next door in Pakistan even they've never seen them. Some will be able to wear that top that their mum bought them even though it is neon green with yellow poka-dots. Some will comb their hair a certain way because their dad likes it that way. Some will take that particular subject because their dad wants them to become a doctor/lawyer/engineer/insert other profession here. If you find any of these difficult, its understandable, especially in the society that we live in today. But there is still that next level that you could reach Each individual has their short-comings and limits. As long as you are working towards improving yourself, and striving to be the best towards your parents, then its all good.

Never think that what you do is enough. I can give you examples of obedience and goodness towards parents from the Salaf that will make you drop your head in shame. :oops: :o Ask your parents how they treated their own parents when they were young to perhaps get an idea.

Question is, how can you deal with any frustrations that you may have as a youngster growing up with the inevitable (generation gap) differences and views, thoughts and outlook on life between you and your parents? Make this dua after every prayer:

Rabbir ham huma kama rabbayani sagheera

Oh my Lord, have mercy on my parents, as they raised me up (from) when I was small.

Courage wrote:

That depends on the individual cases, however family support is generally of some help.

ok let me rephrase what i said the marriages which i know and have seen whereby the parents have not been happy but nevertheless have agreed for their son/daughter to marry someone who they disapprove of has NEVER worked out.

Your always gonna have that conflict where both families dont get on and it can take its tole on a marriage. Other times the guy and girl havent know each other long or havent seen their dark side until they get married.

Naz wrote:

Courage wrote:

That depends on the individual cases, however family support is generally of some help.

ok let me rephrase what i said the marriages which i know and have seen whereby the parents have not been happy but nevertheless have agreed for their son/daughter to marry someone who they disapprove of has NEVER worked out.

Your always gonna have that conflict where both families dont get on and it can take its tole on a marriage. Other times the guy and girl havent know each other long or havent seen their dark side until they get married.

So what are you saying? Its wrong to choose someone for yourself, if ur parents disapprove? What if they disapprove for silly reasons. Are you implying that theres little hope of it succeeding.

You will always find conflict in life. If its not one thing its another. Thats what life is, one big conflict after another. Doesnt mean we should just sit on the sidelines and let other people pull our strings. Thats not how it works.

Call me optimistic, but as long as theres a fools chance of it working. Im all for it.

Well, I don't think Naz was suggesting that at all. Sometimes it doesn't work out. But ultimately people need to realise that the marriage is about the two people and there needs to be some growing up on the bickering families's part. The two people need to totally trust each other and be prepared to give the benefit of the doubt.

But like I said, every case needs to be judged by its merits.

@ the Seraph no thats no what I'm trying to say.

I have the upmost respect for those ppl that have gone out their and found their own partner through halal means. They have done all the hard work of finding someone compatible without relying/expecting their parents to do it. Lets face it, its not easy finding someone. For that reason I respect them.

Yes I agree SOME parents do deny their child the partner of their choice for ridiculous reasons, the common one being “caste” issues, which dont conform to Islam at all. However, most of the time if our parents are denying us the right to our chosen partner then 9 times out of 10 there is a valid enough reason for it. They are our parents at the end of the day and they only want whats best for us. You also have to bare in mind that our parents have life experience, they know the essential ingredients that are required in order for a marriage to work so surely can we not give them the benefit of the doubt when they make a decision we may disagree with? When your blinded by love you don’t see or listen to anyone else, you think your parents are against you.

If marriage was just about husband and wife life would be sooo beautiful but it isn’t. Theres your family and your partners family. Now if both your families are at header logs then it will cause undue stress on your marriage and before you know it your gonna be arguing as well.

Hope that clears up your misconception

To all those ppl who are not considering an arranged marriage may Allah(swt) make your path easy when finding a pious husband/wife. Ameen

ps maybe for the next issue you can find a couple who have had a love marriage and present their views. :doubt:

Naz wrote:

To all those ppl who are not considering an arranged marriage may Allah(swt) make your path easy when finding a pious husband/wife. Ameen

ameen.

Have you heard of the concept of patricide?

"Every son is born to slay his father."

I assume it is a metaphorical statement.

oh, and there is a semantic difference between allows and accepts. As for the current question and its wording, I have gone by option three: "God often allows disobedience to parents".

I went to my friend's Walimah today, and the cirumstances of the marriage are EXACTLY like those being discussed above.

Racist parents.

But they've accepted the marriage?

Naz, isn't marriage ultimately about the two peple? And if our parents have any objections, shouldn't they be prepared to tell us? Shouldn't some get over the racism and accept that there's more to it that race and caste, and it's actually virtue that needs to be looked at?

Courage wrote:

Naz, isn't marriage ultimately about the two peple? And if our parents have any objections, shouldn't they be prepared to tell us? Shouldn't some get over the racism and accept that there's more to it that race and caste, and it's actually virtue that needs to be looked at?

Incorrect.

Marriage is not just the joining of two people but also the joining of two families, as a result they must also be compatible. This is where the question of race and caste come into it. Altho it SHOULDNT! But it does.
Any objections made by the parents for whatever reason, should ideally be voiced so those matters can be addressed. However some parents believe in blind obediance without question.

Virtue is also looked at, but in my experience its looked at through the eyes of other people. He may act like a saint when infront of you, but the people will know what he is otherwise like.

Its not a perfect world ppl. There will be dishonesty, prejudices and heart brake till the end of time.

Seraphim wrote:

Courage wrote:

Naz, isn't marriage ultimately about the two peple? And if our parents have any objections, shouldn't they be prepared to tell us? Shouldn't some get over the racism and accept that there's more to it that race and caste, and it's actually virtue that needs to be looked at?

Incorrect.

Marriage is not just the joining of two people but also the joining of two families, as a result they must also be compatible. This is where the question of race and caste come into it. Altho it SHOULDNT! But it does.
Any objections made by the parents for whatever reason, should ideally be voiced so those matters can be addressed. However some parents believe in blind obediance without question.

Virtue is also looked at, but in my experience its looked at through the eyes of other people. He may act like a saint when infront of you, but the people will know what he is otherwise like.

Its not a perfect world ppl. There will be dishonesty, prejudices and heart brake till the end of time.

Which is why I said "ultimately". It should be looked at from everyone's point of view, he/she might be an angel around them, but YOU might see them for what they really are.

Talk to them like they're your friends, (or at least try). Think, how would you like your friends to talk to you, and apply a similar rule here.

You can be the most calm person and speak politely and it will go through one ear and out the other. Its like banging your head against the brick wall, pointless!

Naz wrote:

You can be the most calm person and speak politely and it will go through one ear and out the other. Its like banging your head against the brick wall, pointless!

However shouting is equally as pointless as well as far more destructive.

Ive had that talk with my parents. The only thing it accomplishes is you both know how you feel about the subject.
And apparently they're okay if other ppls kids do it, then its all Islamic this and that. But its not acceptable for your own kids tut tut. How disappointing.

wednesday wrote:

I suppose you're old and mature enough to

lol, not really.
Im surprised how many people online think so.
Someone once described me as being 'unable to be serious even for a second' lol.

But that aside. The conversation really just happened. I was driving my mom to a work thing she had. And just for a laugh she brought up the subject. And ofcourse i used all the Quranic references and mentioned various things the prophet (pbuh) did in his life time at the end of which all she could say was 'shut up, or ill smack you!' to which i whole heartedly replied 'Main bhi chona menu maar pava' lol (which means 'I also want you to hit me') and then she cracked up laughing again.

Funnily enough alot of our serious conversations happen this way. hmmm.

wednesday wrote:

*sigh* i think it's a serious and fair case of trial and error, I always end up falling out with me mum everytime we talk abt a step cousin who got married and now she's not happy cos of their bleeping parents were being 'pushy' ... i've never spoken to me parents openly abt this sort of stuff, and don't want to either :roll: Didn't and don't need to but it's now that I realised that i'm creating an emotional trap for myself... and it's HARD to communicate appropriately, when you know they are firm with their traditions (and if you tell them that most of it isn't Islam, do you think they will beleive you?) ... My parent's are cool and i think I can trust them but I do pray that they rememebr to give me the yes or no key! Insha'Allah

Take it from me just dont even go there. Your wasting your breath and it will all end in tears. The thing about Pakistani parents is that they hold their tradition more dear than Islam, very saddening. I think deep down they know they are in the wrong but they wont ever admit it coz it makes them look weak. All we can do is pray to Allah(swt) that He guide our parents to the striaght path. Ameen.

Seraphim wrote:

wednesday wrote:

I suppose you're old and mature enough to

lol, not really.
Im surprised how many people online think so.
Someone once described me as being 'unable to be serious even for a second' lol.

LOL, yeh rite! Wat was it ur imaginary friend who said that? haha