Salaams,

Welcome.

bella wrote:

My husband wants me to respect my family and to be with him also, I kept saying that my family will eventually accept him but in my heart I'm doubting if that will happen. He only married me with the belief that my parents will accept him. Now I am torn, I know that I must respect and obey my parents but I cannot dishonour my marriage, which is what my parents will want me to do. I would really be grateful if anyone would give me insight into what is the correct Islamic thing to do. I know i have made alot of mistakes but I want to rectify them. I believe Allah would want me to stick with my marriage because it is not something I can disregard whenever it doesn't suit me.

Actually you can - it is called divorce and it is halaal.

bella wrote:

But I know one of the fundamentals things that islam requires of us is that we love and respect our parents. Right now I feel I have to decide which Allah prizes more important and I JUST DONT KNOW. Please find the kindness to help me,,,Thank you.

It is a tough cookie to crack and there are no right answers. either you can wait more time or you can't.

There is no point pronouncing judgement on the oriignal circumstances either since they are not known and that does not help anyway, so all you can do is try to do your best now.

Have you tried to sit down with one of your parents and asked exactly why they disaprove? Not a conversation where accusations are thrown about but where you actually frankly discuss things. Maybe you can even show them the good things that you have been involved in since marriage etc...

On a more cautionary note, sometimes people can be extremely stubborn. I know of a girl who got married without her parents permission and afterwards her first chilf became ill, went onto life support for a few months and eventually died. The parents never spoke to her, never visited and probably did not even attend the funeral. So if there are others considering eloping and hoping things will be fine in the long run - it is not necessarily the case.

I am not encouraging you to divorce - just laying out the facts. The time period is to allow for people to cool down, think over what they have done, allow for reconciliation, get a confirmation of pregnancy (where if the woman is pregnant, the divorce period extends til the end of the pregnancy).

There are no restrictions on divorce - if people want to divorce then it is allowed. It is a disliked thing (especially in some cultures where it is seen as a bad thing), but it is totally halaal and as far I am aware, requires no preconditions. Islam does not have a "til death do us part".

But that is a separate issue - if possible you need to discuss this with your parents - or one of them if you think you have a better chance there. A non argumentative discussion where you really talk.

If hes a good man I dont see why u have to divorce him
the fact that he wants u to reconcile with ur parents shows that hes decent, to me anyway

Usually u find that parents disapprove because the person is not of the same nationality or "caste"
which is wrong

they say that if a righteous man waishes to marry ur daughter u shouldnt deny him

wednesday wrote:

Don't you think the parents should eventually "get over it"?

Should and do are not always the same thing.

Before I mentioned the example that I did I hyad suspected that all parents would eventually get over it. all of them without fail unless they were not given the opportunity. But that showed me that that is not always the case.

People can surprise you. In good ways and bad.

oops

double oops.

wheres my post gone. revival acting weird
i did a double post by accident so deleted one right, and now my first post has gone. and when i tried to edit said access denied?

Hajjar wrote:

wheres my post gone. revival acting weird
i did a double post by accident so deleted one right, and now my first post has gone. and when i tried to edit said access denied?

I deleted it thinking it wa a duplicate :oops: - can you click the back buttona few times to see if you can rescue the text?

yeah got it. it was a duplicate weird.

assalamu alaikum Bella

perhaps things could have been done more amicably in retrospect, but perhaps you knew your parents would not accept this man so you had to proceed in secrecy.

Presently I advise you to remain with your husband since you love each other and are happy. You have done the halal thing to avoid Zina and Allah can see your intentions even if parents may not. Do not seek a divorce in your bid to regain relationship with your parents, because divorce is a reprehensible sin especially if it is not done for the correct reasons. I don't see any pressing reason here for you to divorce, you are happily married, your parents aren't happy with your marriage big difference.

You should persevere daily to make your parents see sense, and do not ever sever the relationship as you know this is a huge sin in sight of Allah.

As for quandry about obeying parents or husband. Well once you are married your loyalty goes to husband first and then parents. So you are to obey your husband as he is the dominant figure of the household, no longer your father or mother. He is merely asking you to try and patch things up with your parents, i'm sure he does not want divorce.

Obeying parents seeing to their needs is something that we are duty bound to do till death. But with women the husband still ultimately has authority over this also unless there is a pressing need, in all other circumstances you need his permission.

So i would say as far as Allah tells us you should obey your husband and remain happily married not divorce him to salvage relationship with parents which may or may not be repaired no matter what course of action you take.

oh, good. Lucky.

Normally I would try to hide all evidence of the oops and double oops taking place, but I think I will leave it as is now. learnt my lesson for a few minutes.

i think i deleted one copy and you the other so they both went lol

I agree Hajjar
(for a change!)

ur married now so ur fam should get over that
after all
in our culture we're no longer our father's responsibility wen we marry so I dont see the big deal
hope that made sense