there is a difference between running away and leaving home.

running away = doing an undercover mission and leaving without your parents knowing.

leaving home = telling them that you can no longer stay with them because of whats happened/happening and going and living with relatives/friends. they no where you are and they are free to contact you.

Naz wrote:

If your parents said no the first time by persist and argue with them? Not only is it disrespectful but your also sinning. Your parents are still your parents at the end of the day and the Qur’an clearly states no matter what they are like you are suppose to speak and treat them kindly. You hurt your parents today and one day when you have kids of your own theyr gonna do the same to you.

thats a bit harsh. the sis is doing nothing wrong, if anybody is in the wrong then its the parents. what else is the sis meant to do? shes tried talking to them but they're having none of it. theres no obedience to creation when there is disobedience to creator. they are ignoring the words of Allaah and his prophet (saw).

naz i think ur wrong, parents have far too much power over thier kids and they absue that power, and how do u kno they loved her if they did they would accept her wishes and accept her 4 what she is and what she really wants.i believe that some parents r only ur parents biologically coz da role of a parent is to support da child in everything they want not what the parent wants for them. i think dat da asian ppl just make babies 4 da sake of it they dnt kno da real reason 4 having babies.

stress i really do feel 4 u i kno where ur coming from coz to tell da truth im in a similar situation, and i dont kno about u but i hate my parents for what they r doin to me, i kno its sinful to hate parents but i think i just have to, its unfair but lifes not fair. i really dnt kno wot 2 say 2 u for da situation ur in but i kno dat if my parents say 1 more thing 2 me im gona be out of here and loose contact with every1 i kno, if ur runnin away dats da best thing to do coz then u dnt have 2 face da family ever again.

im 21, i never sed to my family i wana get married straight away i sed agree to the marriage and get to know each other. they jus blaming me for the problems we have at hme. im worried and depressed about all this n now the guy has gone pakistan i dnt no if he is going to get married which scares me. my family jus ignorant and judgmental and i do hate my family 4 wat they are doing.

stress wrote:

im 21, i never sed to my family i wana get married straight away i sed agree to the marriage and get to know each other. they jus blaming me for the problems we have at hme. im worried and depressed about all this n now the guy has gone pakistan i dnt no if he is going to get married which scares me. my family jus ignorant and judgmental and i do hate my family 4 wat they are doing.

how long have you and this guy known each other for? was he adamant on marrying you? if he was then i doubt he’d marry someone else and if he did then it goes to show how much you really meant to him. if he really liked you he will/would stuck round and tried to convince your parents wa Allaahu alam.

Noor wrote:

Naz wrote:

If your parents said no the first time by persist and argue with them? Not only is it disrespectful but your also sinning. Your parents are still your parents at the end of the day and the Qur’an clearly states no matter what they are like you are suppose to speak and treat them kindly. You hurt your parents today and one day when you have kids of your own theyr gonna do the same to you.

thats a bit harsh. the sis is doing nothing wrong, if anybody is in the wrong then its the parents. what else is the sis meant to do? shes tried talking to them but they're having none of it. theres no obedience to creation when there is disobedience to creator. they are ignoring the words of Allaah and his prophet (saw).

I know its harsh but im finding it really hard to have sympathy for someone like that. If she knew her parents would never accept someone of a different cast why did she let herself get so close to this guy? She has brought this on herself and now she wants ppls sympathy and tell her she is in the right. I agree that her parents shouldnt be bringing cast into the marriage coz there is no such thing as cast in Islam. But arguing and fronting up to your parents when they have made it clear the first time the answer is no is just wrong! Her parents will be judged accordingly by Allah(swt).

Running away or leaving home is the same thing in my book. I dont know how ppl can do that to their parents.

Call me a heartless cruel B**** i dont care but i think it bang out of order to disrespect your parents even if they are in the wrong.

"stress" wrote:

now the guy has gone pakistan i dnt no if he is going to get married which scares me...

what does that tell you?

"LR" wrote:

naz i think ur wrong, parents have far too much power over thier kids and they absue that power, and how do u kno they loved her if they did they would accept her wishes and accept her 4 what she is and what she really wants

If they didnt love her mother would have aborted her while she was in the womb. If her mother didnt love her she wouldnt have gone through hours of labour to bring her into the world. If her parents didnt love her they wouldnt have fed her, clothed her, have gave her pocket money, sent her to school, let her go to college and uni (which most ppl take for granted). Just coz your parents dont agree with your every decision dont mean to say that they dont love you. And to make assumption is wrong! They are your parents, they want what is best for you. They are not out to make your life hell. They have experienced more of life then we have.

I really pity the ppl that resent their parents. Maybe you will understand when you have kids of your own one day.

yea so much for letting her go to uni theyve only gone and pulled her out of it when she only had a year lft - wot kind of love is that???? and y they do that coz she stood up for what she believed.

Quote:

now the guy has gone pakistan i dnt no if he is going to get married which scares me...
what does that tell you?

well maybe he didnt have a choice but to go, u kno as much as girls guys are also forced into a marriage they dont want to have.

Naz: your a heartless cruel w****! lol What? You said i could call you that.

You cant take make such a bold statement sis. Every situations different. Altho I agree parents deserve our respect and so on. But kids also deserve the love and kindness of their parents dont forget that. IMO any parent who has to resort to beating up their kids simply to satisfy their own ego have already failed.

Parents are a strange thing. And logic and reasoning seem to go right out the window when it comes to their kids. But I agree in theory; parents wouldnt do anything to make their kids lives a living nightmare... in theory.

I know it sounds a little cliched but you cant really help who you fall for. Even if you werent planning on it... it just sorta happens. IMO its one of those miracles of Allah (swt). You can either accept that or you cant. It doesnt change the fact that its true.

There comes a time when a person gets to a certain age, they're able to make decisions by themselves. But before they do they should be willing to suffer the consequences. Altho I generally believe running away never solves anything. But leaving is a totally different thing. However it shouldnt be done lightly. Theres all sorts of risks involved.

She's 21, if her life and health are in danger by staying then if she can she should leave. There are women refuges up and down the country that would take her in and help her. However, its no holiday... and certainly shouldnt be taken lightly. Only under threat of severe violence should this step be taken. Id doubt saving ones own life can ever be a sin.

Seraphim wrote:

I know it sounds a little cliched but you cant really help who you fall for. Even if you werent planning on it... it just sorta happens. IMO its one of those miracles of Allah (swt). You can either accept that or you cant. It doesnt change the fact that its true.

exactly.

the sister has done nothing wrong. parents dont always no whats best for the kids nor are they always right! if sis stress does decide to leave or what have you than that is down to the parents. they have driven her out with their stupid desi mentality. they are the ones who need to educate themselves regarding the deen cz nothing they are saying or doing is from islam but from culture. it really ticks me off to see sisters/brothers suffering because of their parents. the prophet saw said if there comes a good rishta accept it or else their will be fitna. if they are ignoring sahih hadith then there is something seriously wrong.

i don't recall the prophet beating his children up for no apparent reason, this aint from islam? the sister hasn't disrespected her parents at all, all she said to them was this aint from islam and i wana get married to this guy. if she doesn't try to educate her parents then who will? she has to at least try and no one can knock her for that.

i’m sure your parents do love you but unfortunately culture has overtaken them. They can’t seem to see past it. ukhtee make loads of dua and i urge you to get in contact with an imam or shaykh cz the way things are looking your parents are probably going to force you to get married to someone you don’t want.

naz wrote:

Maybe you will understand when you have kids of your own one day.

well the way things are looking this may never happen. she may stay single for the rest of her life if her parents dont let her get married to who she wants.

ive known the guy over three years, i always knew my mum would not accept but i always thought my dad has a good understand i guess i was wrong. my family has broken down from the start, i dnt chat 2 my older brother and sister and wen they found out about this they balckmailed and threatened me. my father is never around and my mum always tells ppl about our family problems. we already got 1 failed marriage in the family because of my mum pressured and forced my sister to get married and now they gona make the mistake again. i agree u shud listen and respect ur parents but what about when they done trust u, accuse u of summat u havnt done, putting too much responsibilies on u, n not treating u as same as other daughters, swearing really disgustingly, and at the end she bitches about her own daughter to random ppl and puttin her daughter down wat r u suppose 2 do then. wat can the guy do2 convince my family. his father came to my house n my family sent him away and my family blamed me 4 calling him to my house which i never did

@ stress are you from Dewsbury (think its spelt like that)?

Seraphim wrote:

Naz: your a heartless cruel w****! lol What? You said i could call you that.

No i said you could call me a heartless cruel b**** not witch. Take that back lol.

Naz wrote:

Seraphim wrote:

Naz: your a heartless cruel w****! lol What? You said i could call you that.

No i said you could call me a heartless cruel b**** not witch. Take that back lol.

lol, i cant call you the 'b' word... even as a joke. So i improvised.

no im not from there im from manchester

Naz wrote:

@ stress are you from Dewsbury (think its spelt like that)?

dewsbury the wahabi and deoband centre in the uk.

Naz i think you need to think about what you said and then think again.

i dnt wana walk out or run away,i jus want them to agree. but im jus stressed abot if the guy is gona get married in pakistan and hes gona stay in pakistan about 4 or 5 months i think, he hasnt got in touch with me as jus gone but i have chatted to his little brother how is here and hes sed the guy has not been in touch when he is suppose 2 and he doesnt no if the guy is gona get married or not. my family jus thinks ive messed up the family, i cnt even stay in my own room and cnt have talk 2 my own little brother. my auntie is trying to "fix" the family which i told her there is not point its broken from the start and i never had any sibling relationship with my older bro and sister.

Funzo wrote:

Naz wrote:

@ stress are you from Dewsbury (think its spelt like that)?

dewsbury the wahabi and deoband centre in the uk.

what in Gods name are you on about Funzi?

"Funzo" wrote:

Naz i think you need to think about what you said and then think again.

I have thought about it (for like 2 seconds) and i aint said nothing wrong :?

"stress" wrote:

i dnt wana walk out or run away...

Its your home you shouldnt have to. Glad to hear your staying put.

Ok firstly you need to stop stressing so much (I know easier said than done but try to) coz it aint doing you no good.

Secondly make dua to Allah(swt). If Allah(swt) wants you both to be together then no one can get in the way of Allah(swt) plans, not even your parents. If on the other hand your prayers are not being answered maybe that tells you something, maybe its just not meant to be, maybe Allah(swt) has something else planned for you both which does not involve you two being together. I know the latter is something which you probs dont want to happen but your creator knows you best even if you cant see it right now. I believe everything happens for a reason.

Now there is a 50% chance that this guy has gone to get married or there is a 50% chance that he hasn’t. If and when he comes back if it turns out he has got married there aint nothing you can do. You are just gonna have to cut your losses and try to forget about him. If you dont and you get yourself worked up like you are doing right now its gonna eat away at you until your brain cant function no longer and your gonna be on anti-depressants for the rest of your life. Is that what you really want?

You said your not close to your parents and siblings and at a time like this you need ppl around you that will listen and comfort you. Make sure you have good friends around you or you can always chat to ppl on here, they are good bunch (well most of them lol). Sometimes by talking about it helps to get it out of the system instead of keeping it bottled up.

In the meantime keep yourself busy coz that way your not thinking about it. Get yourself a part time /fulltime job if your allowed. If not just keep yourself busy with housework.

Naz wrote:

Now there is a 50% chance that this guy has gone to get married or there is a 50% chance that he hasn’t. If and when he comes back if it turns out he has got married there aint nothing you can do. You are just gonna have to cut your losses and try to forget about him. If you dont and you get yourself worked up like you are doing right now its gonna eat away at you until your brain cant function no longer and your gonna be on anti-depressants for the rest of your life. Is that what you really want?

or you could always be wifey number 2.

my family wana control me, i cnt talk 2 any one, 2day after i read quran my cuzin rang me talking about a holiday that she is going 2moro, my mum overheard me talking on the fone and started to listen, i told my cuzin that mum thinks ur a guy and told mum if u wana talk to her and handed the fone to her, she put the fone down and told me i cudnt have my fone back and started swearing and i tried 2 get my fone back from her den she beat me up scratched my face and hand and started swearing more and saying i was talkin to a guy. i rang my dad and he blamed me 4 everythin. at least 20 tyms a day my mum has to check where i am and searches 4 me. i spoke to my auntie and she said she will try and speak 2 my mum but the last tym she spoke to her my mum kicked off with me calling me stupid and i dnt no nethin and was close in hitting me and 2day she hit me.

I hate parents who hit their kids. Im tempted to say 'give them the finger' and then leave, but that would probably make things worse (the finger i mean ... not the leaving part).

Id go with Naz suggestion. Get a full time (since your not studying anymore) or part time job. It will allow you some freedom and some finance to support yourself.

Theres all sorts of womens aid groups up and down the country that help with this sorta thing. You may wanna consider talking to them, and seeing if they can help. They can sometimes move you out of there and into a safehouse or something.

thats if they let her leave the house to work.

No where in the Quran does it state if your children dont listen to you beat them, exact opposite actually, you need to teach them with love and patience.

This situation is beyond your hands stress, get professional help from outside, you're in a prison not home!

there is no trust in this family, my mum is thinkin da worst of me. they scared now coz they think im gona run away dats y they restricting everythin, i am applying for jobs and do wana concentrate on other thinks but my family are not giving me space and they keep arguing about nethin and everythin and it is making me angry. i cnt have ne convo with my family it does hurt that i cnt tlk 2 my mother properly she neva had faith in me 2 go uni or college coz she always says im thick and stupid and im messin up my family more

Noor wrote:

stress wrote:

my mum is, bt she is one of the mothers who think backwards and so does not want shame in the family. i do love my parents but there are some things that what they say is not in the quran and when i do confront her about this she does not wish to listen and says that i acting like i am older than her

ask your mum how is marrying another muslim bringing shame on the family? what the hell! big deal if he's from another caste. on the day of judgement will Allaah subhanu wa ta'alla say rajey you enter through jannah through this door, [b]gujar[/b] through that, bengalis through that and white through that? no i don't think so! so why does it matter? this desi mentality really ticks me off, theres is no logic behind it!

sis if you can't find all the ayah and ahadith i will do it for you, print it off and get your parents and brother, sit them down and read it to them.

give them this situation, a really practicing brother came to your house asking for your rishta. he's an imam, an alim, done hifz, teaches fiqh, aqaid, really good top guy, is able to support and provide for his wife etc and he's a [b]gujar[/b]. will you reject him on the basis of his caste? i gave that scenario to my uncle and he walked out the room!

why do you keep saying "Gujjar" for ...... don't pick on my koame !!!!

Noor wrote:

Naz wrote:

Now there is a 50% chance that this guy has gone to get married or there is a 50% chance that he hasn’t. If and when he comes back if it turns out he has got married there aint nothing you can do. You are just gonna have to cut your losses and try to forget about him. If you dont and you get yourself worked up like you are doing right now its gonna eat away at you until your brain cant function no longer and your gonna be on anti-depressants for the rest of your life. Is that what you really want?

or you could always be wifey number 2.

Most guys cant handle having one wife let alone two

Plus it aint nice pinching someone elses husband!

"Seraphim" wrote:

I hate parents who hit their kids.

That would be roughly 90% of the Asian population.

"Seraphim" wrote:

Theres all sorts of womens aid groups up and down the country that help with this sorta thing. You may wanna consider talking to them, and seeing if they can help. They can sometimes move you out of there and into a safehouse or something.

You really aint helping Seraphim. Her mum caught her on the phone to her cuz and she gave her a beating, imagine what she gonna do to her if she finds out that she been talking to one of these groups.

@ stress i find it very hard to believe that your mum is spying and beating you up just coz you want to marry someone of a different caste.I think theres more to it then that. I think you have given your mum a reason to distrust you thats why she is spying on you. Once that trust is gone its hard to get back.

Naz wrote:

"Seraphim" wrote:

I hate parents who hit their kids.

That would be roughly 90% of the Asian population.

Sometimes you have to erm... discipline your child. And it may require sandals... or the broom :p.

But shouldn't include beating the cr@p out of the child.

Sometimes it is necessary, coz it's the only way a child will listen. They'll thank the parents when they're grown up.

Even if a child isn't praying when they're 10 years old, the parent is allowed to hit them. Unfortunately some parents think it's alrite for the child to delay prayers until they've gotten married.

my mum is always been like that, she always wants to know what im doin. before i started university i was at home 4 a year coz my mum didnt want me to go university. cookin, cleaning and look after my little bro, i started to feel depressed and started to lose alot of weight she realised den she should have let us to go university. where we live is a gossip place and people love chating load of crap even when they were lies but my family always believed it. ive neva go out wid mates, ive neva go out after 6pm, even on eid im always at home. since day 1 my mum always hated me having friends but she is always on the fone talking to her friends. my mum has a temper and if she doesnt like the convasation she would lash out dats y we never talk all our lives we always kicked off wid marriage proposals.

"Naz" wrote:

"Seraphim wrote:

hate parents who hit their kids.

That would be roughly 90% of the Asian population.

Yep... thats about right. I hate them all lol.
Although i agree somestimes you have to smack a kid to discipline him, but theres a difference between a smack and beating the kid up. At which point they're no better than a common bully. And bullies only understand one thing. So you'll excuse me if I layth the smackdownth on their rudy-poo-candy-a$$.

"Naz" wrote:

You really aint helping Seraphim. Her mum caught her on the phone to her cuz and she gave her a beating, imagine what she gonna do to her if she finds out that she been talking to one of these groups.

Well actually i was implying she should leave. Her life seems to have been a living nightmare for quite some time now. Sitting around hoping her parents are gonna suddenly change is nothing short of stupid. Especially when they dont seem to want to talk and seem to have refused mediation.
Its time for tough love; I get it you love your family, but I think they need a wake up call. That you're not simply gonna sit there and take this crap from them 24/7 and do nothing. In the words of the Godfather: its time to take it to the mattresses.