One of my amigos rang me today, I hadn’t spoken to her in a while – it’s kinda cut down (actually it's cut down a lot) since she decided that she wanted to ditch London for Manchester (why oh why oh why?) after she and the Mr. got pronounced “man and wife”.
It wasn’t a long conversation either, mainly just a quick catch up and stuff. But one thing that I didn’t expect from her was asked: “so when are you getting married?”
You what?! Marriage is cool and all but I just finished uni man - Said I (in not so many words - I think I said "Ah whatever" or something)
She continued to say that she wants me to get married because she ‘wanted to come on [my] honeymoon'. Now I’m SURE she said that as a mistake because let’s say – hypothetically, I’m packed and ready to go, the dude (sorry my wonderful, charming other half) is at the door with the bags and my friend runs down the stairs shouting “wait for meeee” – hmm.
A lot of people I know seem to be getting married actually, just the other day my friend from uni announced she had her Islamic wedding done and then (naturally) she and I joked about my wedding and the oh so lucky guy that I am destined to be with – ha ha ha blah.
Realistically I’m not sure how I feel about this anymore, I mean I do want to get married but after having a lot of time to think about it these last few years (during which both my sisters were magically transformed into the significant ‘Mrs’ and have hyphenated their surnames), I want to make sure that I do certain things first (they aren’t exactly impossible after marriage but can be really difficult).
I also think that so many people rush into marriage for all the wrong reasons (well this is half my own opinion and half the opinion I formulated after watching the final episode of “Before you say I do” hosted by Yassir Fazaga (Peace TV) and I just don’t want to be one of those people.
By the way, that series was helpful – even if ‘we know that already’ (I quote my sister here). It’s like even though we may on the surface ‘know’ things, the actual steps he takes us through allow the concepts to sink in.
I like the one example he used about how we choose our food (tomatoes was the specific example he used I think) and how we really check if they’re good before buying while when it comes to marriage we don’t bother to really check anything – it’s true (my mum makes us check 1000 times before buying any sort of fruit or veg – or even canned products where we have to make sure the can isn’t malformed or dented or anything), whereas for the guy that we hope to spend the rest of our days on earth with, well let's just say I've heard and seen various examples of people picking the wrong fruit.
However, I think that I’m at a stage that if something comes along, I’m not going to be a child and rule it out but at the same time I’m not going to be stupid and agree blindly. I want to follow my plans and don’t want to have regrets at the end of it and I know I say this a lot – that the future is a scary and unknown void (I think it’s more a vortex actually where it’s sucking you in when you’re trying hard to hang on to what you already have) but truth be told, marriage was always hovering in the background. It just took me a while to realise it was there.. to stay.
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Or the right reasons... (depends on what you mean, but I doubt there are many bad reasons to get married.)
What did the TV series say?
(as for inspecting carefully, people unlike tomatoes are never perfect. The question is which set of flaws you can live with and which set of flaws you can't.)
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
I don't think you can every go into marriage 100% sure that your going to end up as a happy couple...because tbh your intending to settle down with a person who you may not know or yoy may 'think' you know...its like many people say that 'marriage is a gamble'.
its defnintly not something to be taken likely and tbh i dont think you have much reason to rush taking into consideration your age. Like i'v seen example where girl gets married and finds that here husbands mother is the type that will interfere and never let you live in peace
...so like theres so many factors to be taken into account. Background of the person and what his/her family are like as with the partner comes the full package of the inlaws who could either make your life very happy or completely ruin it. One tip is to get 2nd, 3rd opinions before the engagement and even then at the end of the day it should be your own decision made by your own observance and from opinions of others but mainly what you feel is the right way to go. Marriage full stop is certainly no joke and not to be taken lightly.
@ Suhail - you cannot know everything before hand.
A question - if people decide not to date etc... what other way is there than "rushing in" at some point? it may be a few months or even years, but at some point it will be rushing in because they have kept to the limits before hand.
(and even then, you hear of cases where people have cohabited for years before getting married and then it fell apart and within months they are in court applying for divorce.)
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
You - the series simply stated that a person shouldn't get married as a result of one thing for example: desires or duty lets say. He pointed out that although these things can be important reasons to get married, it shouldn't be focused solely on these (hence making them the wrong reasons). He also emphasised (countless times) that people shouldn't have dream like expectations but he used the example of the tomato only to highlight the fact that people take more time and effort to choose good veggies than to choose a good life partner.
Suhail - Yep marriage is a gamble but why not take the best precautions when you can? (which is all the series and i am saying). Oh and the in-law thing is one thing that i would think about (someone, i think it was my pops but i'm not sure, said 'when you get married, you don't just marry the person but you marry their whole family') and funnily enough the series mentioned it too, Fazaga called them 'Toxic In-Laws' lol
Jihad of the Nafs (The Struggle of the Soul)
I would say burn that series and the presenter alive.
They try to be too prudish and ignore that simplicity of Islam. Its almost like they want to become catholics!
Islam does not deny pleasure or any of the other reasons. While faith may be the best one, it is not the only one.
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
The series was simple, it was a practical guide to marriage - i seriously think you're being way too hard on it! There was nothing Do This and Do That about it, it was kind of like giving you food for thought.
Jihad of the Nafs (The Struggle of the Soul)
I haven't seen it, so I wouldn't really know. I was just commenting on the prudish idea of "its not about pleasure" etc and that that is the wrong reason to get married...
...it would be for catholics, but not for Muslims. IMO. I would say that physical attraction is a very good (the best?) reason to marry someone. After all, would you really want to marry someone who physically repulsed you?
Apart from that the rest of the series may have been perfect and really useful to those watching. More knowledge is always good and they must have covered important stuff (such as inlaws).
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
Yh take the best precautions because its probably oen of the biggest decisions you'l ever have to make, and yup your Dad is right you do end up marrying the whole family which can be a problem, especially the mother in law i find.
yh as dating is probably not the method peopel will go through, so like find otehr ways to get to know the person best you can and talk to their friends and defnintly discuss it with your own family and express any doubt you may have...
this probably doesn't even apply but the traits of a partner are not just family status and money and amount of education << useless if persons just immature and has no discipline or manners...basically good to look for the quality that the partner puts some emphasis on islam in their life.
People actually don't take the effort to choose properly, look "research"? thats kinda stupid isn't it?!
"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi
I don't think it is fair to say that they don't - they may just look for the "wrong stuff" in your mind.
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
Yeah but how do you find out about the other person? Hire a PI?
In most cases you're unlikely to know anyone who knows them or isnt just buttering you up so asking 2nd 3rd person is pointless.
You could have them around a few times and they could be all nice and sweet for the time being and turn out to be a$$-holes after.
Its a complete gamble. When I look at how my brother got married its some scarey shiz. My parents virtually did no research or checking up on the background of the family. They simply went off the recommendation of the introducer 'that they're good people' and we met them a few times before we sealed the deal. I honestly believe we were lucky that they are good people and my sister-inlaw is the nicest person to meet.
But in hindsight we were just plain lucky that time.
Hhhmmm datings looking more and more appealing LOL (im joking)
Back in BLACK
You can't date the whole family though, so it won't help.
I think a part of it would putting your trust in Allah (swt).
(a problem with the asian community and asking for many opinions would be third parties gossiping or even worse - meddling.)
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
He didn't say it WASN'T important,mate, he said that it shouldn't be the sole reason, otherwise you'll burn out and have problems,if you ain't compatible and don't have the right amount of compatibility, trust or respect. He was just being rational.
“Before death takes away what you are given, give away whatever there is to give.”
Mawlana Jalal ud Din Rumi
im surprised nobody mentionned making salatul istikharah...
Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?
He actually covered that too
Lilly: I was going to say that but i think that we should do the best we can then turn to Allah, it's like that proverb (is it a proverb or a Hadith..proverb i think): Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
Jihad of the Nafs (The Struggle of the Soul)
completely agree, and yh its a complete gamble if you dont check on the family background and if you fall for the sweet talk and the acting that goes on before the marriage itself..sometimes its genuine and sometimes its not.
ALHAMDULILLAH your bro was lucky but in my experience someone in my family pretty much made the similar mistake of not checking the family out and what there really like, o yh we defnintly saw them for what they were like a few days after the marriage....bottom line the people may seem all nice before the wedding but its not always genuine and chances are its just an act....may sound funny but best to do the research and pray for the best.
Yeah..but you're trusting that they are good honest muslim that want to get married for the right reasons...
@Truth. Yeah, hence why you invite the dude over (with your mahraam) talk and stuff and if you feel like he might be potential, pray istikharaah, LOOL i wasnt saying, just pray pray and hope he comes knock on your door
. the good thing about mahraam, they are the one who have to go and "reject" the dude..
lots of family breakup these days..why am i not guetting put off marriage?
Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?
Can it actually be THAT bad?
This could have the potential to be another post altogether but i'll give it a miss this time..
I don't know about you but the reason why i'm not put off by marriage is because males and females need each other. Despite the fact that divorce is increasing and there are countless problems in every marriage, people need (as much as many try to deny it!) the company that, say friends or family members can't give - emotionally and physically (oh and 'financially for those who don't want to work' [my sister]).
It's a new chapter, a new idea, a new type of relationship 'for better, for worse' (even if you have been in a relationship before i think), a new type of love, it's just in a word 'new'.
Howeverrrr this is me hoping, and if i get married before you, i'll try to let you know the reality after the infatuation..
'Pick up your [dirty] socks!'
Jihad of the Nafs (The Struggle of the Soul)
It really can be! I think this can be a barrier to every sort of connection. Gosh imagine how hard life will become, this person is with you all the time and you know that they find you revolting. Ouch.
There has to be an attraction. Has to be, there's no doubt about it!
Jihad of the Nafs (The Struggle of the Soul)
Woah.
Okay.
I don't think I've ever met a revolting looking person in my life.
Ok well not revolting but not attractive at ALL. Maybe it's because the people we see everyday/pass by, we don't focus on whereas a partner is in your face, no getting away from it!
Jihad of the Nafs (The Struggle of the Soul)
Update us when you are married.
Fun times.
Wake up in the morning.
Truth: Argh.
T's husband: What?
Truth: Nothing.
Its when people start comparing real life people to them celebreties that finding an "attractive" marriage partner becomes difficult.
I mean, most guys out there are alright and some just a bit more alright then others, but thats based completely on ME and the way i see people. (but i HAVE been lowering my gaze recently! <.< >.>)
This just created the topic of what's "goodlooking" and i've stopped looking up to trends/fashion/celebrities. Im looking at guys (NOT LITERALLY) based on their deen these days. this DOES rule out crazy hairstyle, pants not on hips, shavedfaces, pierced anything etc... makes life so much simple, that religion does.
not that im looking for partner anytime soon LOL. Right now im looking for a two year relationship with a college that wont ask me to compromise too much.
Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?
LOL
Oh really.
And what is the name of this college?
When did you discover the college?
What will you be studying there?
Just doing a revival check up on your 2 year future relationship.
I wouldn't be thattttt mean.. (i don't think!) I would just not focus on that weird thing on their face and that thing growing on their hands and feet or the blond or brown or any colour highlights in their hair (sorry if any of you guys have highlights) ok i've got to stop. no no no!
Arghh
Jihad of the Nafs (The Struggle of the Soul)
Bahahahaha.
I have decided to come to your wedding.
Imagine you have one of those weddings where they find out what each other looks like in the mirror. LOL.
LOLLL!
Or worse, see each other on the wedding night!
Ok wait - you're talking about me
Jihad of the Nafs (The Struggle of the Soul)
Indeed I am.
Can't wait.
Give us the dates, location and time.
We'll be there.
You can come.. AFTER i check the guy out (ok that sounds wrong)
Jihad of the Nafs (The Struggle of the Soul)
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