Ali has been sent down for 18 months for selling Cannabis and Jamal has gone to Egypt to study Islam. In their place we have:

Jameela: Asalaam alaikum sister. I haven't seen you in time.

Aliyah: You'll never guess who just asked me out!!!

Jameela: Who?

Aliyah: Iky baby!!!!!!

Jameela: Ikram? The one who looks like Sonic the Hedgehog? Why you messing around with that good- for- nothing unemployed dosser. All he does is drive round the same block 50 times a day!

Ali has been sent down for 18 months for selling Cannabis and Jamal has gone to Egypt to study Islam. In their place we have:

Jameela: Asalaam alaikum sister. I haven’t seen you in time.

Aliyah: You’ll never guess who just asked me out!!!

Jameela: Who?

Aliyah: Iky baby!!!!!!

Jameela: Ikram? The one who looks like Sonic the Hedgehog? Why you messing around with that good- for- nothing unemployed dosser. All he does is drive round the same block 50 times a day!

Aliyah: What-ever! You’re just jealous innit. I’m meeting him in ‘Tasty Chicken’ tonight so I need you to do me a favour. I’ve told my old man that I’m at your yardz tonight, so if he bells ya just say that I’m with you yeh.

Jameela: Sorry sis, there’s no way I can get involved in something like that.

Aliyah: Why? What’s your problem girl? You know I’d do the same thing for you - any time you wanna link up a mad mullah – or whatever it is that you’re into. I’d cover up for ya.

Jameela: If I covered up for you, I’d be sinning too. And dating is strictly FORBIDDEN in Islam. There’s lots of verses in the Qur’an that talk about this.

Aliyah:Nah, you don’t understand. My baby’s different innit. We went to get some munch once from the chippie and he let me share his chips. He also thinks I’m a boff. That’s why he makes me do his homework. He is SO romantic too, he makes me top up his phone every week so that he can speak to me every night. I know he’s the one I’m gonna marry.

Jameela: And what if you don’t marry him? God Forbid, say you both died in a car accident – which ain’t that unlikely given the way the boy drives – and you were both standing in front of Allah(swt) on the Day of Judgment. Do you really believe that Allah(swt) would accept the excuse that “you were gonna marry but you died before you could do that?”

Aliyah: Why you gotta be so friggin’ negative for? I’m way too young and buff to die innit. I AM gonna marry him. We’ll have beautiful kids, he’s gonna buy me bare bling, we’ll live in a massive house, my wardrobe will be full of designer garms... we’ll be the next Posh n Becks – everyone will be so jealous of us!!

Jameela: People die at all ages. It ain’t just old people who die. Don’t assume that you’re gonna live till the old age of 80. Death can come knocking on your door any time .The Qur’an says ‘Wherever you are, death will find you out, even if you are in towers built up strong and high!’ (4:78). And how exactly is your unemployed boyfriend who only passed 2 GCSE’s gonna fund your extravagant lifestyle? How do you even know that he’s gonna stick around and not dump you?

Aliyah: Coz he loves me innit.

Jameela: Look Sis, if he REALLY loved you, he’d respect you. He wouldn’t meet you on the sly. The first thing he’d do is knock on your door and ask for your hand in marriage. If he’s always refusing or making lame excuses then you should know that he doesn’t give a damn about you and only considers you a timepass. You’re worth a lot more than that, so don’t allow yourself to be messed about like that. Don’t ruin your rep in society over a dosser.

Aliyah: Yeh, I get ya. When I see Iky tonight I’ll force him to come around this weekend and speak to my old man. If he don’t come, he’s well DUMPED!

Jameela: Also Sis, people lose all respect for girls and guys who’re involved in the dating game. Everyone talks about such people.

Aliyah: That just reminded me. You need to help me smash the windows of the silly old cow who lives at number 25. That old witch G’d me up to my mum and told her that she saw me flirting with boys outside the library. Mum smacked me on the head with her chuppal cos of her…dozy cow, why can’t she look at her own mingin’ daughters. I saw the middle one in town last week, flirting with some rudeboys in town –WITHOUT her hijaab …I’m gonna spit in her tea next time she comes to my house.

Jameela: Why you stressing for? It’s your own fault. If you weren’t flirting with guys in the first place none of this would’ve happened. Next time you decide to flirt with the local rudeboys somewhere that you know your dad, the local Imam and that big mouth aunty down the road wont see you, always remember Allah(swt) is ALWAYS watching you. There is no place on Earth where you can go where you wont get clocked by Him(swt).

Aliyah: Nah, she’s just a dozy cow who has nothing better to do than chat crap about other peeps daughters. She’s just jealous that I’m so beautiful and she has hairy moles all over her mingin’ face, and a big fat…

Jameela: How comes no one ever talks about me?

Aliyah: Probably coz you know of some dodgy, secret, undercover alleyway that you ain’t told me about…hahahahahahaha.

Jameela: You know why. It’s coz I don’t do dodgy stuff in private that I wish to hide from others. If I did, I’d have people talking about me too.

Aliyah: Forget about the lady from number 25 for a moment and check out that guy across the street... don’t make it obvious…but don’t he look exactly like Jay Sean innit? Don’t you wish you had a man just as fit as him?

Jameela: Astagfirullah!! What you on?!

Aliyah:Chill. Don’t get your Hijaab in a twist. Don’t you swing that way? I’m only looking. Don’t tell me looking is haraam too?

Jameela: ‘Just looking’ ain’t a minor thing. It’s a sin and ALL sins bring about the punishment of Allah. The Holy Prophet said: “The adultery of the eyes is looking (at [that] which is not allowed)…” (Bukhari, Muslim).

Aliyah: Easy… I didn’t know that. But guys are always checking me out. So are they sinning 24/7 too?

Jameela: How comes guys don’t check me out?

Aliyah: Well maybe if you made an effort every now and again…let your hair down, sorted out your nails, sorted out them gorilla eyebrows of yours…guys would check you out too innit…hahahahahaha.

Jameela: You know why guys don’t check me out. It’s coz I don’t dress like you. My clothes are always loose and my hair is always covered. People know that I’m a Muslim so they don’t even go there…but with you, how do I even know that you’re a Muslim? You could be a Sikh or Hindu girl…

Aliyah: You tryin’ to say that I look like a Hindu? I don’t worship bare Gods….

Jameela: No, I’m trying to say that as a Muslim your identity is important. When you cover up, people know that you’re a Muslim without even having to ask you. Guys stop flirting with you and actually listen to what you have to say. They begin to take you seriously and you won’t have to put up with their hands on your waist or shoulders coz they’ll have bare respect for you.

Aliyah: I can’t help it if I’m so fit! I don’t walk around with a massive sign on my backside that tells guys to bog at me do I?

Jameela: When you get decked up like a Bollywood heroine and go out, guys check you out. You KNOW that – you ain’t thick. It’s irrelevant whether or not you’re a decent girl. Most people judge others based on their appearance, so do you really want to be judged on your size, shape and beauty? Guys will not wake up one day and have a new sexual orientation. How you dress can either put off or encourage unwanted attention from guys. So why play the game?

Aliyah: OK I get you now … I really respect you and that. But I ain’t really into this holy moly malarkey. It’s coz of Islam that Sonia, who used to date some fit white man, was forced into marriage to some stupid farm boy from a village back home. He had no teeth and was always spitting and burping in public. Sick man. And then there was Marina, you know the one who used to take her scarf off at the top of the road. She was forced to marry some asylum seeker who was hairier than a gorilla, didn’t know what the hell deodorant was and would always greet his guests by farting…

Jameela: OK I get the picture … I know where you’re coming from but you’re mixing up Islam with culture. In our religion forced marriages are strictly against Islam. The issue of forced marriages is not one that is limited to only Muslims, but Hindus, Sikhs and other religions also acknowledge it as a problem. If a woman or a man were forced into marriage then the marriage would not be valid and would therefore need to be cancelled.

Aliyah: I didn’t know that. Wait till I tell my mum, she can’t get off my case about my mingin’ cousin from back home. Like I’d marry someone who wasn’t as fit as Jay Sean. As if… I’m too good for him. I’m pretty enough to become Britain’s Next Top Model, whilst he’s so fat he could cover up the hole in the ozone layer. He’s so ugly that…

Jameela: Anyways, you gonna think about what I said?

Aliyah: Yeh, I ain’t gonna link my baby tonight. You’ve talked me outta it. I’m gonna stand the boy up. It ain’t like he ain’t skanked me a trillion times before…Oh crap! Is that my dad across the road?! I better leg it, he’d kill me if he catches me in this top!