By Sajid Iqbal

Ali bumps into Jamal at a local wedding…

Ali: Salaaaaaaaaaaaaaam Jam! Wagwaan?

Jamal: Wasalaam Ali. I'm OK, alhamdulillah, how are ya bro?

Ali: I'm buzzin'. Just had me grub and now I look like I'm up the duff!

Jamal: Yep, six months I would say! Hahaha...

Ali: You're a funny guy for an ayatollah rock n roller!

Jamal: So how's the new and improved Ali? You not gone back to your old ways I hope?

Ali: You got it Jam! I am the new and improved, the master of disaster, the king of sting, ya know the main digger behind the trigger.

Jamal: Haha, I like the lyrics... but tell me you still the gigolo I know? Will the real Ali please stand up?

Ali: Eminem u ain't! Ali I am. And as I said to you last time I am changing. Doing my best...

Jamal: That's great Ali...

Ali: I've started my prayers, but the first and last ones are solid I'm telling ya! Ain't there no L plate for beginners man!

Jamal: Three is a great start and before you know it bro, it'll be five a day and you will buzz off ‘em!

Ali: What!? Get stoned on prayer!!! What the...

Jamal: The spiritual high bro. The Don of all buzz!

Ali: Raas! You serious? That sounds sick!

Jamal: What's a better buzz than peace of mind, bro?

Ali: True, I defo need that. And also at the mo I also need to find that chick that is slick so I can be a gigolo, no more!

Jamal: You're talking about the 'M' word aren't you Ali?

Ali: Mariah Carey? Nah she's not my type, Jessica Alba is more my style…

Jamal: What?!! I'm on about tying the knot, settling down and completing half of your faith? 'Marriage' bro!

Ali: Of course... that's exactly what I was talking about Jam. I was only kidding… I'm sick of the flings, these gals are just after my bling. I wanna complete my faith bro but...

Jamal: But what...

Ali: But spending the rest of my life with ONE gal is scary! I'll get bored Jam. I want a bit of Jessica Alba, a little bit of Angelina Jolie, some of Aishwarya Rai and a slice of Beyonce! Now that's what I call bow chika wow wow!!!!

Jamal: No Ali, that's what I call a perv! Marriage is there to fulfill your sexual desires but your wife is your soul mate too. There for you when you want romance. There for you when you're down. There for you to strengthen your faith. And you being there for her whenever she needs you. Live the journey of life together. Not wham bam, thank you mam, and then 'Next Please'!

Ali: You sure you didn't nick that line from a Bollywood movie or summat?

Jamal: Actually this is Islam. The Prophet (pbuh) said: "Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e. his private parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse etc), and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power." [Sahih al-Bukhari]

Ali: Fast! Nah man... I suppose marriage it will have to be then...

Jamal: Now Ali did you know that if you fulfill your sexual desires with your wife you will get reward for it!

Ali: Nah... you're just chattin' innit. You get reward for bow chika wow wow wid da missus?! Raas man!

Jamal: You get reward coz your desire is fulfilled in a Halal way and not through Haram, i.e. Zina. You see the Prophet (pbuh) said: 'In the sexual act between the husband and wife there is a Sadaqah (charity or gift)." The Companions replied: "O Messenger of God! When one of us fulfils his sexual desire, will he be given a reward for that?" And he said, "Do you not think that were he to act upon it unlawfully, he would be sinning? Likewise, if he acts upon it lawfully he will be rewarded.' [Muslim]

Ali: I'm still buzzing off that Jam... but tell me does Islam say anything about marrying a fit gal and not a minger from back home?

Jamal: Of course you should marry someone you are attracted you, but simply marrying someone that is 'sexy' is crazy. The Prophet (pbuh) said: “A woman is married for four reasons, her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. Choose the one who is religious/pious.” [Sahih al-Bukhari] Of course the same applies to men as well.

Ali: Why do I want a holy moly taliban chick?

Jamal: Why not kill two birds with one stone, huh? The Prophet (pbuh) said: 'The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit in the world is the pious woman.' So bro, find a good-looking girl who you find attractive AND who is a practicing Muslim as well. You see, a good Muslim girl will help you stay on the straight-and-narrow.

Ali: What! By dobbing me in if I go back to my gangsta ways? Nah sack that man!

Jamal: That's not what I meant. She will help you to increase your Islamic knowledge and then slowly you’ll start to practice more and more of your faith. You see looks, bling and 'respect' as you would say, is material and can be gone tomorrow. But piety is what keeps you on the right track and keeps you together through the thick and thin!

Ali: Raas! That'll be sick actually...

Jamal: Remember bro, just like you want a good Muslim girl, your wife also wants a good, decent, honest husband. Ya know what I'm saying?

Ali: Don’t worry, no wife of mine is gonna be complaining about me! I'm more handsome than Beckham and Brad Pitt put together and I've got a better body than that Bond geezer Daniel Craig. I'm God 's gift to women....

Jamal: You probably have no mirrors in your house Ali!

Ali: Hey! Jealousy is Haram isn't it Jam? Hahaha. I get what you're saying about my wife wanting me to be a good Muslim as well... I told you dude I'm getting there.

Jamal: That's cool...

Ali: But hang on...

Jamal: What?

Ali: The thing is... fit good Muslim gals don't exist. It's either the goody goody ones that look dead mingin’ or if they do happen to be fit they just wanna talk about God and chill in the mosque 24/7!

Jamal: Ali, you're talking rubbish now. You really don't know many practicing Muslim girls do ya? There are many Muslim sisters who are knowledgeable, practicing and modern.

Ali: Well Jam when it comes to the ladies I'm very knowledgeable, very practising and definitely modern... if I do say so myself!

Jamal: You should be a comedian Ali!! No, really!

Ali: I’m a talented dude what can I say! The thing is Jam me old man wants me to get married to me little cousin from back home. I ain't marrying no cousin from no village in Pakistan. Is that Islam?

Jamal: Bro, in Islam you don't have to marry anyone you don't want to. If you are not attracted to her and she is not compatible for you then make it clear to your dad. Marrying your cousin is allowed in Islam but in no way compulsory.

Ali: HAHAHA!!! Talk to my dad! You don't know him do you?! He'll beat the crap out of me man! And my mum says if I don't marry me cousin she’ll die of a heart attack!!!

Jamal: Forced marriage is Haram in Islam. You know, your mum is emotionally blackmailing you... but you have to stick your guns. Once when a case of forced marriage was reported to the Prophet (pbuh), he allowed the woman (who was forced into marriage) the option to revoke the marriage, if she desired to do so. [Abu Dawud]

Ali: Just wait till I chat to me mum and dad... I thought I had to go along with it, coz it's what Islam says and that.

Jamal: The sad reality bro is that a lot of Muslims today follow culture rather than Islam when it comes to marriage. To make it compulsory to marry within the family is not Islam. To force anyone to marry someone against their will is not Islam.

Ali: You're a lifesaver Jam. I love you! Come here let me give you a ...
Jamal: Woah! Calm down bro!

Ali: Nah seriously Jam, I can now speak to my parents with respect about this issue from the view point of Islam, But Jam... it will be a massive help if you came with me…

Jamal: I ...erm... erm…

Ali: Oh come on! My dad’s not that bad... I think. Nah, seriously Jam you was the one that said I gotta stick to my guns. You said I should marry... and I do wanna marry but not to my cousin back home, but to someone here I can relate to. My dad respects mullahs like you!

Jamal: Erm... ooh, is that the time! Ok, you know what... I WILL come with you and Inshallah your dad will understand and then we can start looking for a practising Muslim bride for you here in the UK.

Ali: You're the Don! So did you say you got life insurance? Nah, I'm joking… hahaha!