I'll start with giving u my brothers and sisters Salaam, i hope u are all in the best of health. I am a new memeber and i really, really need some advice.
I'll briefly tel u my story,i went pakistan a last year and as they do, they asked for my hand in marriage for my cousin,who is not my type at all and i would never get married in Pakistan because there not on my level, most are more cultural then religous.
mum really wanted me too, and when i got back to England my aunty who's son they wanted me to get married went and told the whole family,that i got engaged to her son before i came back to England,which wasnt true.
so the whole family thinks we are engaged which isnt true so i stopped talking to family in pakistan because it really hurt me.
mum still wants me to go back home but it isnt happening.
anyway iv come across a muslim who has reverted to islam mashallah and has been a Muslim for over 3years and is practicing. we get on really, really well even support the same football team. he has asked me to marry him, i want too but i know family are going to have a problem with it.
i dont care about extended family just imediate.
sister and cousin know about him and are being supportive but i know my brothers and mum will not accept it and will end up dis-owning me. they will think i don't want to get married to cousin because i was sneaking around with a white boy, they are very cultural. my dad might support me 50/50 chance.
i've tried finding a Pakistani to marry but i don't connect with them and it doesnt feel the same.
what shall i do, please help with advice?
You won't really know til you ask.
They are your parents and there is every chance they will agree with you. Either straight away, or after some convincing.
They may have reservations - even legitimate ones - but you will never know if you do not ask.
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
The best thing to do is do research on this matter gather hadiths etc and present your argument to your parents but keep in mind respect for them because after all they are your parents. Also you can say to them would you rather i ran off with some non-muslim or something along those lines, i think you should do istikhara prayer(i think that is the right spelling) and ask for ALLAH swt help in this situation.
InshALLAH you will resolve this.
Those who danced were thought to be quite insane, by those who couldn't hear the music...
A very similar sitution happened in my family, where my cousin was forced to get married in pakistan, and then down the line she divorced him and married a white revert and her family disowned her.
my mum and brothers dont agree with it and think her family did good by disowning her.
i love my family to bits but i have to start my own family one day. the type of guys they like i dont. e.g. back home or a Pakistani cultural etc.
i have also been praying to Allah and asking him to give me a sign or some feeling about it whether i should go ahead or not.
i really do like him just something about him, dont know what it is.
i try putting him off me and telling him my family are going to be an issue etc but he wont leave me no matter how much i try.
Another thing you can do is read surah yasin at fajr time because i heard that, who ever reads that his issues for that day will be take care of by ALLAH s.w.t, i need to get the reference inshALLAH by tomorrow.
Those who danced were thought to be quite insane, by those who couldn't hear the music...
1. Things are different when it is your own family. They may be more understanding.
2. Do you defend her infront of your family? if so, it may help getting them around to the idea.
3. If the guy is not leaving you alone even if you asked, does not sound very positive...
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
thank you inshallah going to start reading yasin with fajr.
i do defend cousin infront of them but its still a no no.
i've told him my family situation and he said he still wants me no matter what, and that we can work on something but at the same time he also feels sorry for me because of family and said thats what makes him take a step back. but his step back isnt backing off or leaving me alone, not that i want him to but making it harder for me.
The longer it goes on, the more difficult it will be.
One thing is certain, do NOT start 'seeing' this brother, and try to stop talking to him as much as possible (explaining that it is not because you don't like him, but because it is un-Islamic).
You also have to make sure that this is not merely an infatuation. If you truly are right for each other, and if Allah (swt) Wills for you to be together, then everything will fall into place.
Could you mange to introduce the guy to your family (even without saying WHY you are introducing him)? If he meets your mum and dad separately then they may really get to like him. Then HE will have to ask them if they would agree to letting you marry him, insha'Allah. I'm sure you parents would respect him for that, much more than if you go to them and say 'I met this boy and I really like him etc.'
Don't just do something! Stand there.
Ya'qub has a point.
You should see if you "arrange/co-ordinate/manipulate" the circumstances so that he meets your parents. Dismissing a random person who you've never met is easy, but once you've met them it may become more harder for them to say no. If it was my dad he had to meet, id arrange for him to "bump" into my dad at the mosque after Jummah prayer.
Once they know and recognise him, it should become alot easier.
Back in BLACK
In total agreement there.
How do you know if you havent even asked?
If that case why dont you approach your dad first. Explain to him why you dont wanna marry your cuz from back home and how you have found a practicing Muslim who wants to marry you. Make it absolutely clear that you havent done anything wrong with him and that you havent been going out like boyfriend and girlfriend. Say you wouldnt do anything like that coz you got too much respect for him etc.
One of my distant relatives wanted to marry my step aunties bro. Her mum werent having it saying that she werent gonna give her daughter to a no gooder (she had a point). Her dad agreed and married her off. The mum had no choice but to sit in the wedding and accept her daughters choice.
If they wont let you marry this guy them just tell em that if you cant marry this guy then you aint gonna marry anyone. Your gonna live your life as a spinster. That will get em thinking.
No not the gum drop buttons! – Gingy
DON'T do that!
That is emotional blackmail.
Don't just do something! Stand there.
Its an ultimatum... but i agree. Its too soon in the game for you to resort to this.
Back in BLACK
No its not. Cultured parents only care more about their reputation and the very famous quote "what will ppl say". Quoting from the Quran and hadith is pointless.
After i posted it occurred to me have this person even read an Istikhara to determine whether this person is right for them. Dont be making a decision to marry someone based on how well you get on and the fact you support the same footy team.
No not the gum drop buttons! – Gingy
Im sure its based on a lot more than that.
But you are right about one thing: cultural parents tend to disregard even the most well reasoned arguement with Quranic and hadith references. Bcoz of "what people will think?"... to which i reply "Who are you more concerned about, what people will thnk? Or what God will think about you disregarding his laws?"
Back in BLACK
Im shocked that you would say such a thing.
Those who danced were thought to be quite insane, by those who couldn't hear the music...
what she meant was that giving references from quran and ahadith to cultural parents is pointless cz they will ignore it anyway.
If they ignore it how can they be classed as muslims.
Those who danced were thought to be quite insane, by those who couldn't hear the music...
exactly... rightly said funzo
If you desire Allah to be persistent in granting you the things you love,, be persistent in doing the things that he loves - (Imaam Ahmad Ibn Hanbal)
because there is not verse in the Qur'an that says "Thou must not marry your cousin". Nor is there "Thou must Not marry from Back Home".
If there was and they supported it, that would become an issue.
What the case is is that except for a new explicitly stated relations, everything else is allowed. And the thing with something being allowed is that not everyone does everything that is allowed. Some people have reservations. Some have stronger reservations.
In short, this issue is not one of kufr.
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
But you've got to agree that it can be used as a last resort.
Chin up, mate! Life's too short.
thank you, for all of your opinions and advice i appreciate it.
I know they will disagree because they said from the start "no white man". i know its racist but you do get some of that in the culture, which i hate.
plus cousin got dis-owned n bro was agreeing with the dis-owning and still does.
we dont do anything unislamic, like sneak around and see each other etc we want to do everything the right way. Its hard because my family taste is not what i want, and what i want is not what they want. i don't want to be selfish because i love bros too much as they have done sooooooo much for me, but what am i suppose to do.i have been praying and asking allah to help. going to do istikhara once i find out how too.
At some point you will have to talk to them. No point worrying before that as things can go either way. You will know your options for sure.
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
ukthi have you made it crystal clear to your parents that you wont marry your cousin? if yes then tell them about this brother and explain everything i.e. what islam says about this all, how this brother is top, you haven't done anything wrong etc. if your parents still say no then continue to fight for him, if you really, really like him and want to marry him you have no choice but to fight for him, however if you can move on and accept that your parents will never allow it then why not look for someone else who is from the same culture as you? that way your parents cant say no cz you have already refused someone who you really like and if they don't allow you to marry who you desire, then say to them i'm gona do what i want cz you'll never be happy, that should do the trick.. or maybe not :s
keep making dua sis. may Allah make it easy for you. ameen.
http://www.therevival.co.uk/forum/general/373 - isthikhara thread
The original quote was they ignore quran and hadith.
Those who danced were thought to be quite insane, by those who couldn't hear the music...
Be facetious if you like.
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
It's hard, somtimes it feels like i have to choose between him and family and it shouldn't be like that. Islamically its right but in the culture NO. What do i do, choose family who have known me all my life and brought me up, or a guy that i want to spend my life with but how do i know its going to last. I know im being negative but just have alot to loose and i wont know how long it lasts or not till in the situation, inshallah forever if it happens.
sooner or later i have to start my own life and family too, which makes it harder because me and family have totally different taste..
going to start istikarah tomarrow inshallah.
what would you do, it feels like im going round in circles, which i am. feel stressed too, marriage is complicated when culture is involved....
everytime i try bringing him up indirectly and mum knows there's some1 there deep in her heart and i say mum what would you do if i was to get married sometime soon, to a good muslim, who prays 5times a day, is practicing and trying to better himself mashallah but isnt pakistani, she gets really angry and says you have some1 already waiting for you in pakistan, this really really hurts me and gets me really down and upset but still she says it. then i get angry and think u don't consider my feeling or happiness and it pushes me to getting married to the practicing guy, but then think of my brother who doesnt say anything to me and has always been there for me.
Pakistan dont help because they minipulate mum and have got her wrapped around their little finger, i've even said this to mum but she defends them soooo much it's like they are her offsprings and children more than me..
i hate the situation im in and wished that i never went to pakistan.
he keeps and playing mind games with mum telling her how much he wants to marry me but i feel so hurt i'd rather some1 chopped me up and fed me to the a dog than marry him. i had really bad experience when i went to pakistan and do not intend to go in my entire lifetime.
if your parents aren't listening whatsoever, why don’t you get a shaykh involved?
How old are you? You've not really said.
If you wanna marry this guy then maybe you should consider if its worth you fighting for him. If it isnt then theres no point. Stop seeing him and give in to your family.
Back in BLACK
I thought in Islam a women cant marry without her parents consent.
No not the gum drop buttons! – Gingy
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