I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE ThIS I HATE THIS MY WHOLE BLOG GOT DELETED BECAUSE OF MY OVERSENSITIVE MOUSEPAD.
so, i was sorting out toys and emptied a toybox and thought it needed a wash. i was weighing whether i should do it or get someone else to do it or just stuff the toys in..then i decided to be a good human and not only opt for the washing but do it myself.
im washign the toybox in the bathtub, not being very care. so its making a bit of noise, banging the sides of teh bathrub and the water is going a bit everywhere.
then i hear panic. in voices. just panicky voicy things coming from downstairs and i know that feeling. so i turn the water off and listen. and i hear a panic filled, not even filled, this was a sound that was more panic than vibrating particles and it said "I think she fell!!". so i make people aware that i am fully conscious and well. and then i get a bit of "We/I thought you fell" more angry than panicky that one.
fell = having a seizure
time is relative isnt it? they must have called my name a couple of time but i hadnt heard it but to them it must have felt like quite a bit of time.
so i get "let off the hook". and they go abt their business, with a few comments abt themselves as stress relievers im guessing.
but my heart is pounding. i feel upset and definitely do not want to get close to that toybox or the bathroom again. im upset. highly. because, this was horrible. I can see their perspective, i can see a myself in that bathtub, unconscious, thrashing about and making all that noise.
then later my analytical mind kicks in:
why call my name if they think i passed out? i can hardly answer
just come up and check
im going to tell my parents that. they need to stop doing that panic strikken name calling. i dont need this. i dont need to feel that way. i dont need to feel the pain im causing loved ones. its a shit feeling.
and i know i know its all down to emotions, emotions make things more real and good/bad but yeah, dont need this crap.
--
there was other stuff in the original blog, cnt remember it now.
off to take my meds now.
Comments
You can't control the pain your loved ones feel. It's second nature to them. Would you have preferred it if they did not worry and left you? There's nothing wrong when people care even if there's no need. Just shows how dear you are to them. You didn't intend to cause pain so you have no reason to feel crap.
yeah..i didnt intend to cause pain but i did so..
and i couldnt bring myself to wash that toybox. in the end someone washed it and put it outside to dry.
i told my mum what i said id told, dunno if she told dad. but its over now so all good.
jazaAllahkhair for your responses!
edit: i have a friend with epilepsy, it feels a bit awkward talking abt it for some reason. maybe because we delt with it quite differently. im all "hakuna matata" and she (not just because of epilepsy but also because of other health issues) took time off school, got picked up and dropped off when she did come back, takes med seriously and stuff like that.
i dont know if the weirdness is just on my side. though i will try and ask her how she lives her daily life. see if she has the same struggles. barakAllahufiq for the suggestion!
I've already forgotten what Hakuna Matata means. That's one phrase which I tell myself i'll remember and by the following day it's already out of my head. One second, just need to do some google-defining. Oh its 'No worries for the rest of your days'. I KNEW that all along lol.
I think you need to remind yourself that there is a reason why they ask and call your name. Why would YOU call and ask someone? It's because you want their attention and want them to respond to you right?
So, when they call, all you have to do is tell them, I'm doing so and so, I'm washing the toy box and i'm fine. They only call your name because they don't want anything to happen to you or for you to get hurt. If you've responded then they can continue doing whatever they were doing.
You might be BIG and almost grown up, but you're still a little person in their eyes because you need their care. Say for example, something more serious had happened, then they have every reason to want to call your name. It's sort of like those reassurance moments. People ask to be 'sure'.
That reminds me of a time when my sister decided she wanted to go to sleep in her school's changing rooms during her lunch break and so she did. One of her friends, whose a white girl decided to pop her head under the door and ask her a series of questions of whether she was okay, is alive, can hear her etc.
By then, my sister had obviously woken up but if you think about it, that little girl probably asked because she knew my sister was fasting and that there is a possibility that she could have fainted in there. It's just about 'being sure that everything is okay'. They all laughed about it in the end anyway!