I Aint Marrying No Paki

MuslimSister —

Salaam

There’s always been a massive stigma attached to marriages from “back home”.

I’m speaking from a girl’s point of view (guys may feel free to differ). I have a massive stigma attached to this type of marriage too…this is cos of personal experience.

My mum was brought up in this country and my dad was from “back home”. Their marriage isn’t exactly what I’d describe a “happy marriage”. I feel that the only reason why they have remained married for 22 years is cos mum is extremely tolerant by nature…she can take a LOT of crap.

In my opinion there are cultural elements that exist which can make people very incompatible. I feel this is truer for women who marry men from back home….I’ve also personally witnessed many nightmare marriages in my community usually cos the husband from back home exerts culturally embedded authority over his wife….domestic violence is also very common.

So maybe I’m generalising and tarring all guys from back home with the same brush, I KNOW you get good and bad people here, there and everywhere but this is just my personal opinion based on what I’ve seen…

The way I look at it……I’ am “home” so “back home” wouldn’t be MY home….

Interestingly though, when guys marry girls from “back home” such marriages are more likely to succeed. All my uncles have married girls from “back home” and they’re very happy.

But what’s wrong is parents pressuring their kids to get married to someone from “back home” so that ties would be made stronger....some parents feel a “financial obligation” towards their family from back home…..a cousin of mine and an uncle (who are extremely westernised) are being pressurised at the moment…..why do parents over look compatibility?

My friend just recently got out of a nightmare marriage to a guy from “back home” AFTER her older brother ended his marriage to a girl from “back home”….parents don’t even learn from the mistake from one child, and continue making the same mistake over again with the rest of their children.

In my town this is a massive issue…parents are forcing their kids to get married back home….these kids have a stigma attached to this type of marriage….kids have been through school making fun out of “freshies” and when they can not take marriage pressure any more they run away….

When David Blunkett advised all Asians to avoid getting their kids married back home, this caused uproar….but at the same time this was seen as relief to those kids who have parents who have “promised” them to people in some village as soon as they were born….

SO, can marriages from back home work? And why do more girls have issue with this kind of marriage then boys do?

Is cultural compatibility a problem, or should Islamic compatibility be prioritised? DO parents have a financial obligation towards their family “back home”?

And why do many people make fun out of “freshies”?

Are we so westernised that we have lost our connection with our roots? Would more marriages from “back home” solve this problem?

My thoughts on all of the above is not back and white. But please share your thoughts.

Wasalaam

Forum

MuslimSisLilSis — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 - 16:22

[quote="yuit"]

But he decent, that what the question was?[/quote]

decent aint enough-that aint what the Q was

husbands should have the full package.

yuit — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 - 16:24

[quote="MuslimSisLilSis"][quote="yuit"]

But he decent, that what the question was?[/quote]

decent aint enough-that aint what the Q was

husbands should have the full package.[/quote]

Too be honest there no such thing as the full package, it about accepting weaknesses on both part and being able to live and cover each other.

MuslimSisLilSis — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 - 16:25

i guess girls in our generation just expect a lot more then women in my mums generation did

they also a lot less tolerant

Sirus — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 - 18:42

expectations with todays girls jus makes u :shock:

they fail to look at their own weaknesses and faults....and concentrates on the guys.

why do girls love to hate guys? lol

i like to consider myself decent 8)

laila — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 - 21:36

i'm sure u are decent and decent is good enough. there are still some girls who know that in reality there aint no perfect and yet the most imperfect can seem perfect. its a matter of tolerance, keeping expectations within reason and looking on the bright side.

there are women in their thirties looking for Mr Perfect and they'll be looking forever

just get what you're given and be thankful was my advice to myself.

i keep telling them these women in their 30's give the guys a chance, you may have pleasant surprise and if you dont well thats life - there are no guarantees

MuslimSisLilSis — Thu, 15 Sep 2005 - 15:37

[quote="Darth V-Hayder"]expectations with todays girls jus makes u :shock:

they fail to look at their own weaknesses and faults....and concentrates on the guys.

why do girls love to hate guys? lol

i like to consider myself decent 8)[/quote]

girls dont have high expectations (some may do)

but most just expect what they deserve

You — Thu, 15 Sep 2005 - 19:22

[quote="MuslimSisLilSis"]girls dont have high expectations (some may do)

but most just expect what they deserve[/quote]

yeah right!

everyone can be self centred.

Aphrodite — Thu, 15 Sep 2005 - 19:27

[quote="Admin"][quote="MuslimSisLilSis"]girls dont have high expectations (some may do)

but most just expect what they deserve[/quote]

yeah right!

everyone can be self centred.[/quote]

I have to agree with you there, Admin. And in all honesty, I think in marriage is one of the few places you SHOULD be looking out for yourself; you want someone you can get along with, like, gelle with; someone who will help YOU in being a better person

yuit — Thu, 15 Sep 2005 - 20:21

Yeah, I can't help but feel that most girls here in England are spoilt. Alhumduillah some are very good and devote, but alot of them are indeed too self centred as admin has mention in general.

Also a wise man in my community said something and when he say something it normally good and very true. He was commenting on the fact that a little while ago that Men had no shame and women had modesty, he then said that now it the opposite way around and women have no shame and men have decency. It kind of true, women are shameless today. I not including the sister who are devote to islam, just general street girls.

Ofcourse it easy to blame the man for everything, but alot of the problem we see with marriage today stem from the woman as well IMO. They just ain't realistic anymore, they demand and expect too much, when they ain't giving too much in the process as well.

yuit — Thu, 15 Sep 2005 - 20:34

[quote="Admin"]That is most people. Not just girls.[/quote]

Of course, but of late especially on this website, it seem that the man has been getting alot of the blame. But I think the women have alot to answer for themselves.

Aphrodite — Thu, 15 Sep 2005 - 22:03

[quote="yuit"][quote="Admin"]That is most people. Not just girls.[/quote]

Of course, but of late especially on this website, it seem that the man has been getting alot of the blame. But I think the women have alot to answer for themselves.[/quote]

Works both ways, Elmer. As my darling mum says 'you can't clap with one hand alone'

MuslimSisLilSis — Fri, 16 Sep 2005 - 09:46

since when does our society show that girls are worse then guys

BOTH are equally as shameless as one another

and like Afro said-it takes TWO to tango

Mujahidah — Fri, 16 Sep 2005 - 09:48

[quote="MuslimSisLilSis"]since when does our society show that girls are worse then guys

BOTH are equally as shameless as one another

and like Afro said-it takes TWO to tango[/quote]

i totally agree wid u sis.

MuslimSisLilSis — Fri, 16 Sep 2005 - 09:50

[quote="Aphrodite"]

I have to agree with you there, Admin. And in all honesty, I think in marriage is one of the few places you SHOULD be looking out for yourself; you want someone you can get along with, like, gelle with; someone who will help YOU in being a better person[/quote]

EXACTLY

and what's wrong with being careful and fussy?

after all the person u end up marrying can either become ur source of misery or happiness

so I dont agree with them people who say that a person "shouldnt be fussy" :roll:

Aamna hayaat (not verified) — Sun, 13 May 2018 - 14:12

I would like to say it is so quick for people to say yes and no each have their own lives own experiences etc the ones who are saying yes to marriages in pakistan are the ones who are ok with it the ones who say no have had hell with it.

The truth is no one should marry where people are not so good and most likely 90% cases from freshies turn out bad no one wants to marry them. Has anyone ever tried to wonder why people don't wanna marry freshies ok to say British people think highly of themselves well if the other is getting a passport for free they would do.

And i also agree men who marry freshie girls are living better because they are men and they can make women dance to their tunes. Whereas men from they are bastards they like to come here have the passport and then earn money and piss off leaving kids and ruining girls life.

They want this respect and think they can do anything once their mission is achieved and most likely the run away after getting a passport. several cases, most cases where men use women for the passport. You must have no option if considering Pakistan freshies.

i won't recommend big NO