Marriage Recipe
[quote][b]Recipe for a successful marriage by Mufti Ebrahim Desai (db)[/b]
"Our Lord! Grant that our spouses and our offspring be a comfort to our eyes, and give us the grace to lead those who are conscious of You" (Furqaan 74).
Q: Every human being by nature has an instinct to dispute. This instinct becomes more manifest between the husband and wife, thus leading to marital disputes. How can this instinct be controlled?
A. Consider the following ten points to control the instinct of dispute and maintain a happy marriage.
1. Fear Allah: It was the noble practice of Nabi ﷺ to conscientise the spouses about the fear for Allah before performing a Nikah by reciting the verses (Nisa v14, Ahzab v69, Aali-Imraan v101) from the Quraan. All the verses are common in the message of Taqwa (fear of Allah). The spouses will be first committed to Allah before being committed to their partner. There can be no doubt in the success of a marriage governed by the fear of Allah.
2. Never be angry at the same time: Anger is the root cause for all marital disputes. One Sahabi came to Rasulullah ﷺ and sought some advice. Rasulullah ﷺ replied, control your anger. The same advice was rendered three times. (Mishkaat pg.433; HM Saeed)
3. If one has to win an argument, let it be the other: Nabi ﷺ said: "Whoever discards an argument despite being correct shall earn a palace in the centre of Jannah. (Ibid pg.412)
4. Never shout at each other unless the house is on fire: Luqman (AS) while offering advice to his son said: " and lower your voice for verily the most disliked voice is that of a donkey". (Surah Luqman v19)
5. If you have to criticize, do it lovingly: Rasulullah ﷺ said, 'A Mu' min is a mirror for a Mu'min.' (Abu Dawud vol.2 pg.325; Imdadiyah) Advise with dignity and silently.
6. Never bring up mistakes of the past: Nabi ﷺ said: "Whoever conceals the faults of others, Allah shall conceal his faults on the day of Qiyaamah." (Mishkaat pg.429; HM Saeed)
7. Neglect the whole world rather than your marriage partner:Nabi ﷺ confirmed the advice of Salman to Abu-Darda [RA] for neglecting his wife. "Verily there is a right of your wife over you." (Nasai Hadith2391)
8. Never sleep with an argument unsettled: Abu Bakr [RA] resolved his dispute with his wife over-feeding the guests before going to bed. (Bukhari Hadith 602)
9. At least, once everyday, express your gratitude to your partner: Nabi [sallallaahu alayhi wasallam] said, 'Whoever does not show gratitude to the people has not shown gratitude to Allah.' (Abu Dawud pg.662; Karachi)
10. When you have done something wrong, be ready to admit it and ask for forgiveness: Nabi [sallallaahu alayhi wasallam] said, 'All the sons of Aadam commit error, and the best of those who err are those who seek forgiveness.' (Tirmidhi Hadith 2499) [/quote]
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he was possibly tryna lure her for 5 years, and in the process, concealing his true self?
why, i dont know
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[quote="Black Prince"]he was possibly tryna lure her for 5 years, and in the process, concealing his true self?
why, i dont know[/quote]
so does the fault lie in him being so clever
or the girl being so naive and blinded in love?
God knows
but personally...I think I would have clocked what a person is REALLY like after being with them for five years
who wouldnt?
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true
the fault lies with both
but sumtymz u cant blame her - depends on how good the guy was
OR
if he changed for sum reason
which is a possibility - could have joined some Caveman organisations....and The End for the wife as we know it
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surely he wasnt like that all the time
i mean maybe he changed
a friend of mine said he knows a couple, they were together through uni, then got married when they left.
were happy together, have children. been married for 10 years and he now beats her. she took the kids and i think is planning to get a divorce.
he wasnt like that when they started seeing each other, but gradually changed over time.
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Fizzy dont depress me any further 😢
we've been with that girls family all evening
u think u know someone but u dont-
Maybe I will be happier living on my own with 50 cats :?
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lol
what you gotta remember is that there are happy marriages as well
but the messed up ones always seem to stick out more for some reason
marriage - you make it what it is IMO, but sometimes theres things outta your hands true.....but its all a test of character
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im going to tell you a story. are you sitting comfortably???
there was one girl who wanted to marry a guy. he considered himself religious, and likened himself to the Taliban, make of that what you will.
anyway the family did not approve. she was adamant she wd marry him.
when they went to set the date, he was foul and rude to her uncle, who was much respected.
the family had second thoughts about him, they didnt want some one so disrespectful in their family.
she ran away that nite, stayed with a friend and said she wd not come home until they promised to get them married.
silly girl you may say, after what he was like to her family, but the family agreed as they were afraid she may not come back and may do something shameful.
begrudgingly they let them get married.
after marriage the son in law continued to cause problems for the family, wd follow the sister home, poured paint stripper over her car three times, argued with her father and gave him a black eye, police were also involved.
they now have a child and both families have started talking again, but still distant with him.
moral of the story?? sometimes the family can see that the person is bad for you/for the family, but the person getting married can be stubborn and refuse to see it.
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lol
i thawt there was gonna be a twist or sumfin!!
thats jus plain stupid on both sides
such people i guess deserve each other 😂
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the above girl's sister on the other hand liked a guy, but didnt want to say anything to parents because of what they had already been through.
anyway told them, families met, got on really well, they left it a while before they got engaged so they cd get to know each other. then had a long engagement, year and a half.
then got married. happy together, thank god and are now expecting their first child. he tries extra hard with her parents to make up for their other son in law.
it works both ways, but best to have family's approval and not to rush into anything.
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LilSis what do you mean, "the guy's family was beating on her (as well as the guy)"
These things aren't doing wonders for my anger restraint.
🙁
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[quote="MuslimSisLilSis"]but u know whats shocking-this girl dating her fiancee for about 5 years
both parents knew-
parents had decided to wed them when they both finish Uni
...and after FIVE odd years of dating the girl didnt know that her man was capable of raising his hands[/quote]
[quote="MuslimSisLilSis"]guys she wasnt dating him :roll: [/quote]
so, who do we believe - lilsis or.... lilsis? 😛 😉
5 years is outrageous for an engagement. it just gets silly, wot u DO or DONT know about the person just gets mixed up after that long a time - say the girl fell for him in the first 6 months, so if she was in lurve from then on she would overlook any bad changes in his character.
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true, it is too long
but what about those who get engaged before they start studying, then agree to marry when they have finished?
how long is acceptable?
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IMO you should get married quickly after engagement.
Do all the searching before you get engaged.
When its time to get married, get engaged, and very quickly married.
Its a bad idea keeping someone in tow for years. People will chagne, the situations will change, and you know what asian families are like. Engaged is as good as married. I something goes wrong, there will still be hell to pay, so why set up for a fall? Get over and done with it.
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[quote="Admin"]IMO you should get married quickly after engagement.
Do all the searching before you get engaged.
When its time to get married, get engaged, and very quickly married.
Its a bad idea keeping someone in tow for years. People will chagne, the situations will change, and you know what asian families are like. Engaged is as good as married. I something goes wrong, there will still be hell to pay, so why set up for a fall? Get over and done with it.[/quote]
well said. i agree.
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i agree
but sometimes it may be a good idea to get them engaged before they go to uni, then they are less likely to misbehave.
or do you think im wrong?
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They will be just as likely to misbehave IMO.
But will try to keep it under wraps a bit more.
If they are engaged, why not get over and done with it in a timely manner?
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[quote="Admin"]IMO you should get married quickly after engagement.
[/quote]
true...otherwise u get yourself caught in a TRAP and you cant get over next man you fall for unintentionally
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ok
guess it can back fire on you
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[quote="Aasiyah"]
so, who do we believe - lilsis or.... lilsis? 😛 😉
5 years is outrageous for an engagement. it just gets silly, wot u DO or DONT know about the person just gets mixed up after that long a time - say the girl fell for him in the first 6 months, so if she was in lurve from then on she would overlook any bad changes in his character.[/quote]
u can call it "dating" or "getting to know him with parents blessings"
the reason they never got married ASAP was cos they were both doing their GCSE parents wanted both to graduate first
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shudnt be falling for next mans if you aint gonna marry em and make em happy.
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things happen unintentionally, BUT meeting another person could also be the best thing happenin even if its ONLY for a short time
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maybe.
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whats the best present u can give to your husband? anyone
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speaking as a man, the best present my wife could give me is to love me more than any1 else (not including ALLAH & Rasul salallahu alayhi wa sallam).
Her marrying me and loving me more than any1 else would be the best gift. Followed by chastity and loyalty to me. Nothing more. Not food or washing or ironing. Love and loyalty.
Whats the best present you can give to your wife? anyone.
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[quote="naj"]things happen unintentionally, BUT meeting another person could also be the best thing happenin even if its ONLY for a short time[/quote]plz explain... not sure i get wot u mean.
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That girl’s story made my heart feel heavy. It’s terrifying the ordeal that some people have to go through.
I was just speaking to my parents…they were telling me about the importance of tolerance, Sabr and compromise.
I don’t know..
The thing is, girls in this country have been brought up in a very pampered, loving way. They’ve been treated like “princesses” by their fathers. So, obviously for such girls it’s so hard to tolerate being treated like crap by others…
Part of the solution is to live separately… sometimes people get along a lot better if they don’t live under one roof. Top scholars have also recommended this.
Its so dangerous to be deluded in love. Love really IS blind. It makes one oblivious to the faults of their beloved...if someone criticises their love, that individual is quick to jump in their defence..and thats WRONG....I really don't understand how one can get to "know" someone for so many years and still be oblivious to their faults...
Anyways, I’m babbling here. All I cant say is the importance of character and deen in a partner can not be emphasised enough. I think there was a hadith (I’m paraphrasing here) which basically said to marry someone with good character and deen…so that even if he dislikes/hates her he will never be cruel to her.
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IMO the girl was blinded in love
she overlooked too many flaws
she spent five years loved up instead of actually getting to know what that guy is like, what he expects from her etc
its impossible for me to beleive that u can be close to someone for so many years and not know the person
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its possible lilsis its also possible to go through you're whole life and not know your partner - it's called delusion.
ever heard of those women or men that live all their lives with one person and when the person dies or one significant event happens then they find out he she has been living another complete different life ie like having a wife somewhere else or committing crimes?
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Sometimes you can be married to a person for a few years and then things go wrong. Not because you never knew the person but because ppl change it's a natural part of life. We mature, we get new tastes, we have new ambitions. And if the other partner doesn't change or wants to remain the same then the problems can begin.
i mean you can't expect for you or your husband to be the same person you were from 22 to 32, time changes ppl. If you learn to grow together. Compromise, keep the lines of communication open that helps. Most relationships break down coz ppl stop talking, and if they do talk they just yell at each other.
[quote="fizzy1"]
my mum says same thing. she is adamant the guy i marry, we have a long engagement and get to know each other properly, and the family gets to know each other before we get married.
[/quote]
makes sense to me and my family
BUT what scares me is that thats what that girl did too for FIVE bloody years
how could she have not clocked what he's really like 😢