I Aint Marrying No Paki

MuslimSister —

Salaam

There’s always been a massive stigma attached to marriages from “back home”.

I’m speaking from a girl’s point of view (guys may feel free to differ). I have a massive stigma attached to this type of marriage too…this is cos of personal experience.

My mum was brought up in this country and my dad was from “back home”. Their marriage isn’t exactly what I’d describe a “happy marriage”. I feel that the only reason why they have remained married for 22 years is cos mum is extremely tolerant by nature…she can take a LOT of crap.

In my opinion there are cultural elements that exist which can make people very incompatible. I feel this is truer for women who marry men from back home….I’ve also personally witnessed many nightmare marriages in my community usually cos the husband from back home exerts culturally embedded authority over his wife….domestic violence is also very common.

So maybe I’m generalising and tarring all guys from back home with the same brush, I KNOW you get good and bad people here, there and everywhere but this is just my personal opinion based on what I’ve seen…

The way I look at it……I’ am “home” so “back home” wouldn’t be MY home….

Interestingly though, when guys marry girls from “back home” such marriages are more likely to succeed. All my uncles have married girls from “back home” and they’re very happy.

But what’s wrong is parents pressuring their kids to get married to someone from “back home” so that ties would be made stronger....some parents feel a “financial obligation” towards their family from back home…..a cousin of mine and an uncle (who are extremely westernised) are being pressurised at the moment…..why do parents over look compatibility?

My friend just recently got out of a nightmare marriage to a guy from “back home” AFTER her older brother ended his marriage to a girl from “back home”….parents don’t even learn from the mistake from one child, and continue making the same mistake over again with the rest of their children.

In my town this is a massive issue…parents are forcing their kids to get married back home….these kids have a stigma attached to this type of marriage….kids have been through school making fun out of “freshies” and when they can not take marriage pressure any more they run away….

When David Blunkett advised all Asians to avoid getting their kids married back home, this caused uproar….but at the same time this was seen as relief to those kids who have parents who have “promised” them to people in some village as soon as they were born….

SO, can marriages from back home work? And why do more girls have issue with this kind of marriage then boys do?

Is cultural compatibility a problem, or should Islamic compatibility be prioritised? DO parents have a financial obligation towards their family “back home”?

And why do many people make fun out of “freshies”?

Are we so westernised that we have lost our connection with our roots? Would more marriages from “back home” solve this problem?

My thoughts on all of the above is not back and white. But please share your thoughts.

Wasalaam

Forum

MuslimSisLilSis — Sat, 10 Sep 2005 - 14:27

[quote="almas"]do not marry from 'back home' unless absolutely necessary or in love

the gulf of difference may eventually annihilate the spirit of at least one if not both[/quote]

but if u love someone-wouldnt u overlook their diff?

You — Sat, 10 Sep 2005 - 14:54

[quote="Seraph"][quote="Admin"]Mirror.

Pot.

Kettle.

Black.[/quote]

Pot. Kettle. Black is the name of a Blog Space... so i perhaps the mirror refers to a certain blog. Coincidence... perhaps, but thats one theory.

Another theory is that its actually part of a phrase "The Pot Calling The Kettle Black ( which is to say something about someone else which is actually true of you yourself)" however where the mirror comes into it is open to speculation.[/quote]

The first bit is 'look in a mirror!' you got the second bit right. (no not the blog...is there one? link?)

10 points to Seraph!

Seraphim — Sat, 10 Sep 2005 - 17:41

[quote="Admin"][quote="Seraph"][quote="Admin"]Mirror.

Pot.

Kettle.

Black.[/quote]

Pot. Kettle. Black is the name of a Blog Space... so i perhaps the mirror refers to a certain blog. Coincidence... perhaps, but thats one theory.

Another theory is that its actually part of a phrase "The Pot Calling The Kettle Black ( which is to say something about someone else which is actually true of you yourself)" however where the mirror comes into it is open to speculation.[/quote]

The first bit is 'look in a mirror!' you got the second bit right. (no not the blog...is there one? link?)

10 points to Seraph![/quote]

sweet... im all about being the man. 8)

Medarris — Sat, 10 Sep 2005 - 19:24

I think it is better to marry back home. It strengthens our ties with our homeland, maintains our mother tongue in coming generations and if you marry relatives it further establishes stronger kinships and closeness in the family.

Marrying back home also helps our economy and helps our own communities who live in such poverty otherwise. Marrying from back home brings financial security for the in-laws and is also a gateway for other marriages to take place between on uk person and one pakistani person.

laila — Sat, 10 Sep 2005 - 19:51

[quote="MuslimSisLilSis"][quote="almas"]do not marry from 'back home' unless absolutely necessary or in love

the gulf of difference may eventually annihilate the spirit of at least one if not both[/quote]

but if u love someone-wouldnt u overlook their diff?[/quote]

yes lilsis i did mention marry if u are in love or if there is no other way

MuslimSisLilSis — Sat, 10 Sep 2005 - 20:03

I'm anti marraiges frm back home cos

1-culture diff (i.e diff in thinking/ideas/upbringing)

2-accent diff

3-financial difficulties (if your calling a guy over-takes ages for him to find a job)

4-languge diff (many people in my generation dont know their langauge-I dont)

laila — Sat, 10 Sep 2005 - 20:18

yes lilsis your reasons are valid and wise and should not be ignored

the first and to an extent the third reasons are most valid and a lifetime may not even be enough to solve them

marriage is hard enough without bringing such complications into it

MuslimSisLilSis — Sat, 10 Sep 2005 - 20:25

[quote="Admin"]

The first bit is 'look in a mirror!' ![/quote]

when i look in the mirror I dont see a Paki Paki girl looking back at me

I see a British Paki

and when I spend time with my cousins frm back home-i see an ENORMOUS diff in thinking between me and them

so ur "mirror" theory aint applicable :roll:

laila — Sat, 10 Sep 2005 - 20:37

from Pakistan of course and so are those of most of my friends thats why i know a lot about this subject and i consider mine a partly happy marriage!

my sister and other brother are definately not going to marry from Pakistan

one brother is married from Pakistan and i must say most british born men do not seem to feel the difference as much as british born asian women

MuslimSisLilSis — Sun, 11 Sep 2005 - 17:33

[quote="almas"]

and i must say most british born men do not seem to feel the difference as much as british born asian women[/quote]

i agree

its a MASSIVE diff

Dave — Sun, 11 Sep 2005 - 17:38

[quote="MuslimSisLilSis"][quote="almas"]

and i must say most british born men do not seem to feel the difference as much as british born asian women[/quote]

i agree

its a MASSIVE diff[/quote]

So I take it ur not in the "marry back home" camp?

Do u prioritize out of the muslim guys in UK?

Like would you rather marry a 2nd or 3rd gen paki over a 2nd or 3rd bosnian or african muslim?

MuslimSisLilSis — Sun, 11 Sep 2005 - 17:46

i'm anti GIRLS getting married back home

not guys (cos its diff for them)

I'm gonna marry any guy who's from MY genaration but he has to be British and Muslim of course

You — Mon, 12 Sep 2005 - 00:49

[quote="MuslimSisLilSis"]i'm anti GIRLS getting married back home

not guys (cos its diff for them)

I'm gonna marry any guy who's from MY genaration but he has to be British and Muslim of course[/quote]

That's hypocritical.

It all depends on the two people.

why is it different for guys?

Seraphim — Mon, 12 Sep 2005 - 09:28

[quote="Admin"][quote="MuslimSisLilSis"]i'm anti GIRLS getting married back home

not guys (cos its diff for them)

I'm gonna marry any guy who's from MY genaration but he has to be British and Muslim of course[/quote]

That's hypocritical.

It all depends on the two people.

why is it different for guys?[/quote]

Simple alot of guys dont like the girls from here.

They're too westernised and lack propper etiquette, need i say more.

MuslimSisLilSis — Mon, 12 Sep 2005 - 09:40

a lot of girls dont lik the guys from back home

they are too sexist, backwards and cultural

having said that-

this forum made me realise that such stupid cave men exist in this country too

so girl has to be very very careful

yuit — Mon, 12 Sep 2005 - 09:56

I agree with Seraph, some girl from here are far from perfect, I think too many have been taken away from reality by these Bollywood films.

MuslimSisLilSis — Mon, 12 Sep 2005 - 10:13

[quote="almas"]from Pakistan of course and so are those of most of my friends thats why i know a lot about this subject and i consider mine a partly happy marriage!

my sister and other brother are definately not going to marry from Pakistan

[/quote]

yeh-I know where ur coming frm

my opinion about this issue is also shaped by numerous people who have also been thru this

so they are in a position to speak from a "been there done that" angle

they were decent, sweet girls like you-not the "westernised ones" :roll: :roll:

yuit — Mon, 12 Sep 2005 - 10:20

I also see poor lads come over from pakistan and be treated like rubbish by their wives. I think that islam should play the biggest role when choosing a parnter. We also should look at how the Sahabah and the prophet saw used to act as husband and wife, rather then what going on today, which is more concern about keeping up with the Jones. It so easy to blame the other side, but if everything is done isamically I can't see where a problem can develop.

MuslimSisLilSis — Mon, 12 Sep 2005 - 10:24

[quote="yuit"]I also see poor lads come over from pakistan and be treated like rubbish by their wives. .[/quote]

I never claimed that this doesnt ever take place

I've also pointed out that girls from back home who are "supposed" to be more decent and good can treat their guys like crap

i also said that girls dont like guys from back home cos they are sexist, cultural and arrogant

BUT i also said that u can get such guys frm here as well

I'm aware of all this

but I'm also entitled to my PERSONAL pref as we all are

MuslimSisLilSis — Mon, 12 Sep 2005 - 10:25

[quote="Mujahidah"]

About marrying a paki if his 4rm pk then im certainly sayin no coz i h8 the place (mainly pple). Even if i explained u the whole reason y u wuldnt understand, its just too much.[/quote]

Muj

could u explain where ur coming from pls

Mujahidah — Mon, 12 Sep 2005 - 11:00

[quote="MuslimSisLilSis"]
Muj

could u explain where ur coming from pls[/quote]

Asalamualaikum!

Like i sed even if i explained u wuldnt understand.

I remember wen i to the UK, the age of 10, two years after i used 2 recieve calls 4rm rellies in pk, mainly uncles n aunties been nice 2 me.

As i was only 12 i thought u no they r been nice but at the age of 16 i really founded out wat they were after. I aint talkin just bout 1 family im talkin bout my whole handan n since then they just wont leave me alone.

Wen i say i h8 pk i dnt mean the country its mainly the pple dat ive seen there, nt dat every1 there is like dat coz there r sum nice pple but id hav 2 admit most of em r.

hpe u understood sis, if nt then if u can break ur question in2 sections i mght b able 2 explain more detailed.

Jazak'Allah khair

MuslimSisLilSis — Mon, 12 Sep 2005 - 21:55

[quote="yashmaki"]Assalamu Alaikum,

Women from back home aren't necessarily more well mannered. They may appear to be more well mannered, obedient, and reserved, but that's because they don't have a red passport. But from my experience once they arrive here it only takes a few months for you to realise they can be as bad, as women in the west. Just as you can get good and bad women in the west, the same can be said of women from back home.

The brothers in particular seem to have this false notion that women from back home are somehow "angelic" figures, with pristine clear characters. I wouldn't want to be present for their rude awakening.

My parents are very reluctant of going back home for a bride. They are aware of this problem. They seem to realise that you can get decent girls here. So why waste a lot of time and money going abroad for something which could very well be in your back yard?

My parents also realise there is a difference in the way muslims in the west think, versus muslims back home. Naturally the environment we live in will effect our thinking. This can pose a problem. Cultural practises, and even language barriers.

This emphasis on going back home, doesn't it seem to assume that muslims should marry only into their own ethnic background? i.e pakistanis should marry pakistanis, white converts to other white converts. Shouldn't we be trying to do away with these narrow minded attitudes?

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with marrying into your own culture, merely that it shouldn't be looked upon as an obligatory duty, (as many parents make out) Piety is the mark to look for not culture etc.

Overall you can get a a decent god fearing muslim husband or wife in the west, or abroad. But you could also get a dead beat.[/quote]

right on

v good post

MuslimSisLilSis — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 - 16:03

I'm suddenly feeling very very attachd to this topic

just when I begin to think that "not ALL Paki Paki's are crazy/sexist or backwards"

someone always proves me wrong :roll:

yuit — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 - 16:08

[quote="MuslimSisLilSis"]I'm suddenly feeling very very attachd to this topic

just when I begin to think that "not ALL Paki Paki's are crazy/sexist or backwards"

someone always proves me wrong :roll:[/quote]

Well not all of them are, have you met every single one. :?

MuslimSisLilSis — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 - 16:09

[quote="yuit"][quote="MuslimSisLilSis"]I'm suddenly feeling very very attachd to this topic

just when I begin to think that "not ALL Paki Paki's are crazy/sexist or backwards"

someone always proves me wrong :roll:[/quote]

Well not all of them are, have you met every single one. :?[/quote]

no I havent

BUT i have YET to come across a decent Paki Paki (man) in my 18 years of existence

so I'm beginning to wonder whether they exist :?

yuit — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 - 16:12

Ain't you dad one?

Also there is many, but it depend on what you call decent, some women could agrue there no decent men non stop.

MuslimSisLilSis — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 - 16:13

[quote="yuit"]Ain't you dad one?

.[/quote]

my dad is a fantastic dad

best dad in the world

but a crap husband-both mum and dad have also said this

yuit — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 - 16:16

[quote="MuslimSisLilSis"][quote="yuit"]Ain't you dad one?

.[/quote]

my dad is a fantastic dad

best dad in the world

but a crap husband-both mum and dad have also said this[/quote]

But he decent, that what the question was?