I Aint Marrying No Paki

MuslimSister —

Salaam

There’s always been a massive stigma attached to marriages from “back home”.

I’m speaking from a girl’s point of view (guys may feel free to differ). I have a massive stigma attached to this type of marriage too…this is cos of personal experience.

My mum was brought up in this country and my dad was from “back home”. Their marriage isn’t exactly what I’d describe a “happy marriage”. I feel that the only reason why they have remained married for 22 years is cos mum is extremely tolerant by nature…she can take a LOT of crap.

In my opinion there are cultural elements that exist which can make people very incompatible. I feel this is truer for women who marry men from back home….I’ve also personally witnessed many nightmare marriages in my community usually cos the husband from back home exerts culturally embedded authority over his wife….domestic violence is also very common.

So maybe I’m generalising and tarring all guys from back home with the same brush, I KNOW you get good and bad people here, there and everywhere but this is just my personal opinion based on what I’ve seen…

The way I look at it……I’ am “home” so “back home” wouldn’t be MY home….

Interestingly though, when guys marry girls from “back home” such marriages are more likely to succeed. All my uncles have married girls from “back home” and they’re very happy.

But what’s wrong is parents pressuring their kids to get married to someone from “back home” so that ties would be made stronger....some parents feel a “financial obligation” towards their family from back home…..a cousin of mine and an uncle (who are extremely westernised) are being pressurised at the moment…..why do parents over look compatibility?

My friend just recently got out of a nightmare marriage to a guy from “back home” AFTER her older brother ended his marriage to a girl from “back home”….parents don’t even learn from the mistake from one child, and continue making the same mistake over again with the rest of their children.

In my town this is a massive issue…parents are forcing their kids to get married back home….these kids have a stigma attached to this type of marriage….kids have been through school making fun out of “freshies” and when they can not take marriage pressure any more they run away….

When David Blunkett advised all Asians to avoid getting their kids married back home, this caused uproar….but at the same time this was seen as relief to those kids who have parents who have “promised” them to people in some village as soon as they were born….

SO, can marriages from back home work? And why do more girls have issue with this kind of marriage then boys do?

Is cultural compatibility a problem, or should Islamic compatibility be prioritised? DO parents have a financial obligation towards their family “back home”?

And why do many people make fun out of “freshies”?

Are we so westernised that we have lost our connection with our roots? Would more marriages from “back home” solve this problem?

My thoughts on all of the above is not back and white. But please share your thoughts.

Wasalaam

Forum

Medarris — Thu, 8 Sep 2005 - 22:14

dont get too excited.

Her swearing at the parents in law is wrong. Her abusing his wealth is wrong. But he should hopefully mend his ways.

Ideally she should be the ideal wife and be nice to her husband and change him with her good character. Stealing his wealth is something he deserves but she shouldnt be doing it.

You — Thu, 8 Sep 2005 - 22:17

She has a right over his wealth.

Its ironic that he thought he was the user, but got used himself!

MuslimSisLilSis — Thu, 8 Sep 2005 - 22:17

i dont think he's gonna give her a chance

he planning on sending her back home

and get married to some other girl from back home

playa's/good for nothing guys dont deserve decent girls

You — Thu, 8 Sep 2005 - 22:20

When your first roll don't work why roll again?

He is an diot. Lets hope no sucker falls into his trap again.

MuslimSisLilSis — Thu, 8 Sep 2005 - 22:20

[quote="Admin"]She has a right over his wealth.

![/quote]

but she dont have a right to put him in debt

she brought two gucci handbags only-the bill came up to two grand

she's a typical JLo story

but he deserves it

MuslimSisLilSis — Thu, 8 Sep 2005 - 22:22

[quote="Admin"]

He is an diot. Lets hope no sucker falls into his trap again.[/quote]

thats the depressing bit

there's bare decent girls back home-many from poor families

many families cant afford to get their daughters married

thats why they agree to wed their daughter to ANYONE-regardless of how the guy is like

and the scums from my town are known to take advantage of this :evil:

Medarris — Thu, 8 Sep 2005 - 22:25

Yes. People give their daughters to any1 with a burgundy passport. I think it is OUR responsibilty to find good matches for good girls from back home and bring them here rather than let them marry any donkey.

MuslimSisLilSis — Thu, 8 Sep 2005 - 22:28

[quote="Medievalist"]Yes. People give their daughters to any1 with a burgundy passport. .[/quote]

extreme poverty makes people to do all sorts

to a certain extent I cant blame them

its easy to talk when hunger pains are not in our stomach

MuslimSisLilSis — Fri, 9 Sep 2005 - 13:07

i cant stand guys who come to this country SOLELY to work and make money to send home

some think that the streets are paved with gold

there's a guy we know who does this a lot

him and his wife are living in poverty and yet he sends nearly ALL of his wages back home

that lady sumtimes has to ask others for money-just to make ends meet 😢

Sirus — Fri, 9 Sep 2005 - 13:08

thats a shame....

but can you blame them? the poverty back home stinks

they need it there more, no benefits

here you can get by somhow...there ur left to starve and die

MuslimSisLilSis — Fri, 9 Sep 2005 - 13:11

i know but

he should be more fair

his wife dont say that he should send NOTHING back home

she just wants to make ends meet

stuff like this aint fair on teh wife

Berachia — Fri, 9 Sep 2005 - 15:31

[quote="TheRevivalEditor"][quote="Berachia"][quote="Darth Hayder"]why is it discouraged?[/quote]

Taken from the Ihya.

"The eighth quality is that she should not be a close relative, as that would lessen desire. The Prophet* said, “Don't marry close relatives for then the child is born scrawny”;59 that is to say, weak; such is the weakening effect it [marrying close rela­tives] has on desire."[/quote]

salaam

It is well known that prohibited marriages are outlined in detail in Verses 22, 23 and 24 of Surah 4, entitled "Women", or "An Nisaa." The first of these verses starts with a clear order: "Do not marry women whom your fathers had married...The second begins with a simiclear prohibition: Forbidden to you in marriage are your mothers, daughters, etc. When the list is complete, the third of these verse states: And lawful to you are all women beyond these, for you to seek out, offering them of your possessions, taking them in honest wedlock, and not in fornication, etc." [b] Marrying your cousin is totally lawful according to the practice of the Prophet who married his own daughter, Fatimah, to his cousin, Ali. Had there been any restriction on the marriage of cousins, the Prophet would not have allowed such a marriage to go through.[/b]

wasalaam[/quote]

The point being made was that the law recommends that the spouse be not related closely, irrespective of the fact that one closely related(excepting the obvious violations) is equally as lawful. In which the [i]hikmat[/i] presiding is the fact that there are clear advantages in the case of the former.
More so, we are all related some way up the line which thus prevents the phrase from being "related" instead of "related closely".

Beast — Fri, 9 Sep 2005 - 16:25

A Koranic verse often quoted at weddings runs: 'Among God's signs is His creation of spouses for you, that you might find peace in them'. If we want peace in the world, we should stop trying to turn everyone into versions of ourselves, and acknowledge that some differences are made to be respected, not ignored.

Abdal Hakim Murad

Thought for the Day

[url=http://www.bbc.co.uk/religion/programmes/thought/documents/t20050701.sh…]

[url=www.bbc.co.uk/religion/realmedia/thought/t20050701.ram]Audio[/url]

MuslimSister — Fri, 9 Sep 2005 - 16:34

[quote="irfghan"]A Koranic verse often quoted at weddings runs: 'Among God's signs is His creation of spouses for you, that you might find peace in them'. If we want peace in the world, we should stop trying to turn everyone into versions of ourselves, and acknowledge that some differences are made to be respected, not ignored.

Abdal Hakim Murad

[/quote]

Thats very intresting.

Care to elaborate a bit more?

(I cant open the links at the mo)

Beast — Fri, 9 Sep 2005 - 16:44

The 'Thought' is primarily about Muslims in the West marrying Christians.

I think it is telling that some of us can't even reconcile ourselves with the thought of marrying Pakistanis.

MuslimSisLilSis — Fri, 9 Sep 2005 - 19:12

[quote="irfghan"]The 'Thought' is primarily about Muslims in the West marrying Christians.

I think it is telling that some of us can't even reconcile ourselves with the thought of marrying Pakistanis.[/quote]

I've lost you

i cant reconcile myself with the thought of marrying a Paki Paki

but that dont mean that I wish to marry christians

Beast — Fri, 9 Sep 2005 - 19:32

[quote="MuslimSisLilSis"]
I've lost you

i cant reconcile myself with the thought of marrying a Paki Paki

but that dont mean that I wish to marry christians[/quote]

OK... Let me start again.

In [url=http://www.bbc.co.uk/religion/programmes/thought/documents/t20050701.sh… 'article'[/url] Sheikh Abdul Hakim Murad is generally talking about Muslim/Christian marriages in the West. He recognises that some people in our communities disapprove of such marriages, but he approves.

Anyway, this quote at the end of the article seems apt for this thread.

[quote]A Koranic verse often quoted at weddings runs: 'Among God's signs is His creation of spouses for you, that you might find peace in them'. If we want peace in the world, we should stop trying to turn everyone into versions of ourselves, and acknowledge that some differences are made to be respected, not ignored. [/quote]

Some of us (Muslims in Britain) do not want to be marrying people from Pakistan because we feel that there are cultural differences and as a result we hold unfair stereotypes and prejudices against them.

What I get from the above quote is that we should accept and respect differences in potential spouses, instead of looking for people who are just like us.

Have a [url=http://www.bbc.co.uk/religion/programmes/thought/documents/t20050701.sh…] or [url=http://www.bbc.co.uk/religion/realmedia/thought/t20050701.ram]listen[/u…] to Sheikh Abdul Hakim Murad for yourself.

Beast — Fri, 9 Sep 2005 - 20:54

[quote="Medievalist"]This gentleman is from cambridge, formerly known as tj winter or is that some1 else?[/quote]

Yes, it is him.

Do you have issues with him?

Beast — Fri, 9 Sep 2005 - 21:00

[quote="Medievalist"]And IF i did have issues with him, what u gonna do about it?[/quote]

I would take on board what you say and make-up my own mind as to whether your issues are reasonable.

MuslimSisLilSis — Fri, 9 Sep 2005 - 21:54

[quote="irfghan"]

What I get from the above quote is that we should accept and respect differences in potential spouses, instead of looking for people who are just like us.

.[/quote]

good point

but negative personal experinces always cement a person's opinion/preferences

laila — Sat, 10 Sep 2005 - 01:50

do not marry from 'back home' unless absolutely necessary or in love

the gulf of difference may eventually annihilate the spirit of at least one if not both

Seraphim — Sat, 10 Sep 2005 - 12:03

[quote="Admin"]Mirror.

Pot.

Kettle.

Black.[/quote]

Pot. Kettle. Black is the name of a Blog Space... so i perhaps the mirror refers to a certain blog. Coincidence... perhaps, but thats one theory.

Another theory is that its actually part of a phrase "The Pot Calling The Kettle Black ( which is to say something about someone else which is actually true of you yourself)" however where the mirror comes into it is open to speculation.