The *all new* jokes topic

You —

I am sure we had one (or more) before...

There is only one rule: make them funny.

Ok, first one:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

Forum

Seraphim — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 - 17:30

Two guys, who we'll call Ahmed and Ezra are at the cinema and one of them spots a skinhead (possibly racist violent type, u knw wat i mean) a few rows over to the left. His head is soo shiney with the light from the screen reflecting off it. That the 2 guys just cant stop staring at it. And the thing with skinheads is... you're tempted to slap them on the head. 🙂
So Ezra turns to his friend Ahmed and says 'ill pay you £5 if you go over there and slap him on the head. Taking the bet, Ahmed goes over and sits behind the Skinhead and........ SLAP!! Slaps him on the head and the guy turns around and goes
Skinhead:'OI! WATS ARE YOU DOIN!' :evil:
And Ahmed goes goes:'Hassan! wat are you doin here?'
The skin head looks confused:'My Names Brian'...
Looking shocked, Ahmed replies: 'Oh i is sorry, its a mistake :oops: '... and goes back to sit on his seat.
Seeing this, Ezra goes to Ahmed: "ill give you £10 if you go over there again and slap him on the head again!" 😃
So he walks over to the empty seat behind him. Now apparently he slappd him so hard last time that hes still got a red palm print on his head. And the entire cinema audience has turned to watch this. And he slaps him on the head again: SLAP!
The skinhead turns around and goes: 'OI, WAT THE BLOODY'LL DO U WANT?' :evil:
And Ahmed goes: 'Hassan it is YOU! Dont lie to me!' 😃
Skinhead: 'I SAID MY NAMES BRIAN!!' :x :evil:
Ahmed: 'Oh i is sorry, its a mistake again :oops: Pls enjoy the pilm.'
And then goes and sits down back in his seat. The Skinhead gets up and walks all the way over to the otherside of the cinema and sits down to watch the film.
Seeing this Ezra smiles 😃 and turns to Ahmed again and says, 'he's sat over there now. Ill pay you £20 if you go over and SLAP him again!'
So Ahmed goes and sits behind the skinhead again :p By this time, the entire cinema audience is nolonger watchn the film they're watchn wats about to happen. Everyones pointing and whispering.. 'look look over, hes gonna do it again!' :?
And sitting behind him, Ahmed warms up his hand and loosens his muscles in his arm, takes a looooooooonng windup and SLLLLLAAAAAAAP!!!!
Skinhead: "OI!! YOU AGAIN! WATS WRONG WID U?" :x :evil: :evil: shouts the skinhead. The entire cinema goes silent as they watch this.
And the Ahmed goes:"HASSAN! Here you are! Ive been slapping a bold-bas*rd over there all nite! And your here!" 😃
😂

s.b.f — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 - 17:42

[quote=You][quote=You]There is only one rule: make them funny.[/quote]
[/quote]

😂 Oh!

Well I thought the monkey comment was funny.

And I just read Serpahims long long long post...worth it 😂

Dawud — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 - 20:27

@ Seraph: The build up was funny, but not the punch line.

David Cameron and Gordon Brown and out on "important constituency business" one day, when they realise that a bear is stalking them. They look at each other and seeing absolute terror mirrored in the other's face leg it towards the nearest tree and climb all the way up to the top.

When they get there they heave a dual sigh of relief until they notice the bear slowly climbing up after them. David Cameron sniggers and says, "Ha! Just goes to show how good your predecessors policies were. Education, education, education? You didn't even know bears could climb trees."

Gordon Brown chins him in the face and starts thinking. Suddenly he smiles and starts pumping up his 80s 'air Nikes', Cameron looks at him in horror and goes "what are you doing?"
"Pumping up the Nikes."
"But you can't outrun a bear!"

As the bear gets closer Brown grins and grabs a hold of Cameron and jumps out of the tree.

"I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"

TPOS — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 - 20:31

LOL and at the baby one

[quote=Dawud]@ Seraph: The build up was funny, but not the punch line.[/quote]

agreed

Seraphim — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 - 20:35

[quote=Dawud]@ Seraph: The build up was funny, but not the punch line.
[/quote]

Its better when i tell it in person. I make funny faces and hand gestures.

Shaz — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 - 21:40

[quote=You]What's brown and sticky?

[size=8]A stick[/size][/quote]
dont sound very nice lol, but is it chistmas pudding??

You — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 - 21:43

its in the small writing - a stick. it is brown and "sticky" - as in like a stick. Clever I think.

Shaz — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 - 21:45

[quote=You]its in the small writing - a stick. it is brown and "sticky" - as in like a stick. Clever I think.[/quote]
hmmm but that wernt funny, ur not very good at cracking jokes are u?
lol

Joie de Vivre — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 - 19:22

What's blue and sticky?
A blue stick.

What stands on two legs and says "moo"?
Someone saying "moo".

What's round, orange and juicy?
An orange.
[size=8]©Joie de Vivre 2009[/size]

You — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 - 19:51

I love the festive spirit showed in the last two posts.

and welcome back, Ya'qub - only you can make points as poignant as you did as poignantly.

Ya'qub — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 - 00:57

who's the coolest person in a hospital?

the ultra-sound guy

and who takes his place when he's on holiday?

the hip-replacement man

Joie de Vivre — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 - 05:42

Jack is approached by a homeless man, reeking and retching, asking for small change. At first Jack refuses, sure that the man will spend any charity on booze, drugs or at the bookies, but the homeless man is insistent, swearing that he would never indulge in such vices. Jack takes him home. "Honey," he calls out, "I want you to meet a man who doesn't drink, take drugs or gamble..."

Ya'qub — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 - 13:03

I was walking down the road the other day and my friend was driving passed and he stopped to chat. I asked him to give me a lift and he said "you're young, good-looking and the world's your oyster!"

HL (not verified) — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 - 21:17

A old punjabi lady slipped on ice this morning,
"hai meri kismat", she cried.
A white guy heard wot she said and replied,
"Hi, Merry Christmas to you too"

Suhail (not verified) — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 - 21:42

[quote=HL]A old punjabi lady slipped on ice this morning,
"hai meri kismat", she cried.
A white guy heard wot she said and replied,
"Hi, Merry Christmas to you too"[/quote]
😂

RI_RS — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 - 15:37

Urghhh.

CheesyUncleBadJokesOVERLOAD

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What d'you call a sheep on a trampoline?!

A WOOLLY JUMPER!!!

LMiAOw!

kat khan — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 - 02:19

A little guy is sat at the bar, when all of a sudden a thug smacks him in the face and says "that's KUNG FU from japan", a bit later the thug smacks him again and says "thats's KARATE from korea", the little guy gets up and leaves the bar. A short time later he comes back and smacks the thug knocking him out cold and says to the barman "when that tw** wakes up, tell him that was a f***ing SHOVEL from B&Q "

Dawud — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 - 22:23

[quote=Ya'qub]who's the coolest person in a hospital?

the ultra-sound guy

and who takes his place when he's on holiday?

the hip-replacement man[/quote]
Like it.

How many confuciusists does it take to change a light bulb?

Millions! Because confucius say "Many hands, make light work."

Seraphim — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 - 17:09

Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One.But the lightbulb has got to WANT to change 🙂

Sephy (not verified) — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 - 14:47

[quote=Funzo]how many muslims does it take to ruin a joke thread?[/quote]

Only one to condemn it as haraam! lol

Funzo — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 - 00:00

[quote=Sephy][quote=Funzo]how many muslims does it take to ruin a joke thread?[/quote]

Only one to condemn it as haraam! lol

[/quote]
you missed the joke completely