Jokes!

There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.

If you told a lie it would suck you in.

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.

Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take
the day off and go relax."

Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.

He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?"

Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

[quote=islam4eva]

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here. [/quote]

LOL man!

Judge: What's your name, occupation and what are you charged with?
Defendant: My name's Sparks, I'm an electrician and I'm charged with battery.
Judge: Stick him in a cell!

That reminds me of another joke:

Did you here about the two guys who were arrested for stealing a car battery and a box of fireworks?

The judge charged one and let the other one off.

Hahahahahha

here's another:

I went to the shops to find a pair of camouflage trousers, but I couldn't find any.

(think about it....)

Two drunks saw that a mosque was under the sun. "Let's push it in the shade, it must be getting hot," they suggested.
As they were pushing an imam came out and asked them what they were doing.
"The mosque's getting hot, we need to push it into the shade," one of them replied.
"You stupid drunks, you should be ashamd of yourselves! How dare you!" he roared before going away.
Then another imam came out, and asked them the same question. He got the same reply.
"Well done your nia is good, keep going."

😃

Sweet.

A man was making some cider,but a pig came and licked it. After chasing the pig away, he went to the mosque and explained to the imam what had happened.
"Is it halal and still pure?"
The imam grunted. "Yes it's pure, just drink it and don't waste my time!"

what do you call a deer with no eyes?
no idea!

what do you call a deer wih no eyes or legs?
still no idea!

[quote=Courage]A man was making some cider,but a pig came and licked it. After chasing the pig away, he went to the mosque and explained to the imam what had happened.
"Is it halal and still pure?"
The imam grunted. "Yes it's pure, just drink it and don't waste my time!"[/quote]

I don't get that at all.

[quote=Sumaiya]what do you call a deer with no eyes?
no idea!

what do you call a deer wih no eyes or legs?
still no idea![/quote]

I see you've conveniently missed the third joke in that series...

[quote=Ya'qub][quote=Sumaiya]what do you call a deer with no eyes?
no idea!

what do you call a deer wih no eyes or legs?
still no idea![/quote]

I see you've conveniently missed the third joke in that series...[/quote]
spill

Not appropriate for Islamic forum I'm afraid.

thats never stopped you...

[quote=Ya'qub][quote=Courage]A man was making some cider,but a pig came and licked it. After chasing the pig away, he went to the mosque and explained to the imam what had happened.
"Is it halal and still pure?"
The imam grunted. "Yes it's pure, just drink it and don't waste my time!"[/quote]

I don't get that at all.[/quote]

The imam is being sarcastic, cider is haram with or without a pig licking it.

Um, Yaqub, Sumaiya, what sort of argument are you having?

[quote=Courage]Two drunks saw that a mosque was under the sun. "Let's push it in the shade, it must be getting hot," they suggested.
As they were pushing an imam came out and asked them what they were doing.
"The mosque's getting hot, we need to push it into the shade," one of them replied.
"You stupid drunks, you should be ashamd of yourselves! How dare you!" he roared before going away.
Then another imam came out, and asked them the same question. He got the same reply.
"Well done your nia is good, keep going."[/quote]

dont get it...

The only thing to get is two imams that are totally different.

[quote=Courage]Um, Yaqub, Sumaiya, what sort of argument are you having?[/quote]

err... a non-existent one?

[quote=Courage]Two drunks saw that a mosque was under the sun. "Let's push it in the shade, it must be getting hot," they suggested.
As they were pushing an imam came out and asked them what they were doing.
"The mosque's getting hot, we need to push it into the shade," one of them replied.
"You stupid drunks, you should be ashamd of yourselves! How dare you!" he roared before going away.
Then another imam came out, and asked them the same question. He got the same reply.
"Well done your nia is good, keep going."[/quote]
THATS FUNNY LOL

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks,

"Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Why doesn't Gordon Brown like mornings?
Because he's a PM!

Why did Hitler commit suicide?
He saw the gas bill!

Where does Saddam Husein keep his CDs?
In Iraq (a rack)!

Why is it encouraging to see a fat lady wait?
Because she's motee-vaiting!

Motee=Fat (feminine)

im sorry but these jokes are getting lamer and lamer as time goes by.

OK, do you want to suggest a joke?