You're a Muslim living in a Britain that has become hyper-sensitive to all hints of Islamist terrorism. So how do you convince people that their prejudiced assumptions about you are wrong? Urmee Khan offers an irreverent insider's guide

Thursday August 31, 2006
The Guardian

1: Don't wear a big coat

Terribly bad things, big coats. Palestinian suicide bombers during the intifada often wore unseasonal overcoats to hide their explosives. This has led to sartorial choices being forced on Muslims everywhere, and is a particular inconvenience in Britain, as in most English northern towns the sight of a grumpy-faced Muslim elder, fiercely wrapped up in a parka against the ravages of a perfectly mild day, is a very common sight.

2: Don't go on holiday to Pakistan

What's the mantra that comes out whenever the police arrest someone for terrorist offences, the clinching final demonstration that, like the Mounties, they've got their man? "Thought to have spent time in Pakistan." That's how we know Siddique Khan and Shehzad Tanweer were the ringleaders in 7/7 - they had "spent time in Pakistan".

The problem is, spending time in Pakistan is what thousands of British Muslims do every year; it's the equivalent of white Britons trooping off to see old aunt Beryl in Bournemouth
So, Muslims - holidaying in Pakistan? Do yourselves a favour and don't bring your holiday snaps into the office.

3: Don't have a beard

The beard is top of the "Watch out! Muslims about!" charts. We're not talking about designer stubble or a George Clooney five o'clock shadow - we mean scary Bin Laden bumper bum fluff. Think of those two Forest Gate lads. Yes, those two big bushy beards.

The beard is not an essential Islamic feature, yet any Muslim sporting one is instantly seen as a radical. And so, brothers (and a few sisters), get your razor out and shave it off!

4: Don't join groups or clubs

Somewhere there is a dusty office in Whitehall whose function it is to ban organisations (which are always labelled as being "proscribed"). The room is probably full of mildewed, dusty files about Northern Ireland's paramilitary groups, and there is no doubt a faded map of Belfast peeling from the wall. But now the dust has been blown off, because there is a use for the office again.

If you are a barking mad, dangerous extremist, in a group prepared to countenance violence to get their way, then you better make sure that you are white. For Muslims, this is a no-no. So, to be a fully accredited ordinary, decent Muslim, you should join only the Scouts, the Brownies or - if force is your thing - the British army.

5: Don't wear the veil

The veil: up until the declaration of the "war on terror", when guns, bombs and bottles of Lucozade took over, it was the hijab which, to many white westerners, was the symbol of being Muslim. It meant oppression - but with a vaguely sexual undertone. Whole BBC2 documentaries were made about it. But now, never mind that veils are a great way of repelling lechers and economising on lipstick, they symbolise either a) a militant female jihadist or b) a male bomber in disguise. (Mind you, John Simpson in a burkha wasn't exactly convincing.)

So there you go - chuck out your salwar kameez and headscarves/jilbabs/veils, and dress like them next door - as long as they are not also "ethnics".

6: Don't live in High Wycombe/ Luton/Beeston/Walthamstow

Up until a couple of weeks ago, High Wycombe had a happily glum existence as one of Britain's many crap towns. But now, since several terror suspects were arrested there, it is vying for entry to the newly forming premier league of terrorist breeding grounds, along with Beeston, Luton and Walthamstow. Bad news for Muslims from those areas. I would advise packing up shop and going to live in, say, Lyme Regis, Wales or Cambridge. These days, it is perhaps best to live in an "integrated" way, as far away as possible from your family and friends.

7: Don't be apathetic

A funny one this - many Muslims make the mistake of thinking that what mainstream Britain wants from us is apathy, a withdrawal from presumptuous political comment, a retreat to the days of corner-shopkeeping and waggling our heads as we talk. But no, this is denial. My 13-year-old brother is more interested in the World Wrestling Federation than global jihad.

8 Don't be a 'community leader'

The phrase "community leader" when used in Britain today is almost never applied to anyone who isn't a Muslim. Frequently it has "self-appointed" added to it. Almost anything can qualify; any form of elected office, of course, but even owning a business or shop on some fleetingly significant street. Being cast as a Muslim community leader is a thankless task.

9: Don't be a successful sportsman/woman

Or, in fact, show any sporting prowess at all. It isn't worth it. A Muslim sports star nowadays carries a burden of representation that black athletes have long since sloughed off. To evade it, there is really only one course of action - wrap yourself in the union flag the way black stars did in the 1980s. Amir Khan now must follow where Daley Thompson trailblazed.

10: Don't draw cartoons

Hold on, I've got that wrong - it was we who were trying to ban this after those crazy Danes drew the Prophet (may peace be upon him) in a series of offensive "comedy" depictions. But we can all get carried away.

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