Recent attempts to define the nature of the jihadist threat that we are fighting against have fallen short of the mark. Muslims, as we are oft reminded, are a varied bunch. Todays freedom fighters and compliant friends are the rebels and pariahs of tomorrow.

However if one was to map this out it would undermine the numerous phd’s that are underway on this subject, putting many hours of research on wikipedia at risk. Here, for your elucidation, education and entertainment is the A to Z of Muslimists. We start of with the letters A-H today.
Affirmist – This group of Muslims requires celebrity endorsement of Islam, and find affirmation in famous converts, or almost converts. Lately Britney Spears, Princess Diana have been revealed to have almost converted to Islam. The most glittering prize for the affirmists is Michael Jackson, the perennial almost-convert. We love them because no matter what is happening in the world around them, the still get excited by any would-be Muslim.
Barelvist – Muslims who follow the Barelvi branch of the Indian subcontinental Hanafi school. They are very similair to the Deobandi school of thought, but differ in subtle but fundamental ways, the principle one being that they are NOT Deobandi. We love them because they love the Prophet.

Chemist – this fine profession is the career of choice for the hordes of failed doctors scattered through the UK, Europe, north America and Australia. In terms of being a security threat, the chemists are mostly harmless, as they are still reliving the torment of not getting the required A-Levels / SAT’s /Highers. They are derided by that tribe of treehuggers known as the Homeopatheticists. We love the chemists (and the homeopatheticists) because they give us pills, and pills make us better. C is also for Contortionist – these are highly trained media spokespeople for those Muslim organizations that engage in doublespeak and different messages for different people. When confronted with dubious comments, they can twist and turn in the most dextrous fashion, a true wonder to see. Famous contortionists include Dr Azzam Tamimi and his support for suicide bombers, and Ed Husain when confronted with the possibility that some jihadis may from a sufi background. We love them because its entertaining watching someone so singular in their views persist in the face of failure.
Deobandist – Muslims who follow the Deobandi branch of the Indian subcontinental Hanafi school. They are very similair to the Barelvi school of thought, but differ in subtle but fundamental ways, the principle one being that they are NOT Barelvi. We love them because they are sincere and they do try very hard to do the right thing.

Egotist – also known as ex-ist (those that were formerly something or other), adherents of the Egoism school, where the only criteria of making media appearances, giving talks, writing books, is that the sheer force of your own exuberant personality is the only value you can add. We love them because they show us we are all human after all.

Read the rest here (all the other parts are linked from there too)